Going For It!

After stressing more than I ever have over this, I took a breath, and submitted my deposit. eek! I have to make this happen is what I landed on. This has been my dream forever and why let it slip away? I have to do this simply as a chapter in my life. I crave adventure and growth, and the people in my life seem to hold me back with negative energy. The wonderful people (and boy) I love more than anything will be here when I get back. So what if my student loans increase exponentially, life's too short not to do the things you love and that make you happy. Why else are we here? To climb the corporate ladder? To get the most consumer goods? Doubt it...

So this is a little bit of a leap for me. A leap towards something, and away from other things, but in the end I believe I will grow big enough to catch myself from falling. If we get too comfortable we don't take risks and grow, and in the end of our lives would we be okay with that complacence we chose? I choose to jump... It's scary but wonderful.

Today, not even kidding, in the middle of a song, my i-tunes switched to one of the few christian songs I have on my computer....and I jammed out to it! Well hello God, got the message, and yes I'd like to invite you back into my life.

Trying everyday to grow, find myself, and find what makes me happy. So far I figured out being healthy equals a must! Going to the gym, although starting slow, is so nice. I get to look in the mirror and see all the things I know shouldn't be there, but then I just smile because it feels good, and that's what matters.

I love writing poetry, nothing complicated, and I stopped trying to rhyme...okay maybe not poetry, but small clips of writing that quietly scream the thoughts in my head. I love it.

I dyed my hair. It's awesome. It sucks that your appearance affects your mood so much, but it does. If you are down, a physical change of any kind can definitely lighten your mood.

School's a little, I don't know, repetitive this semester, but I'm thriving on the books I am reading.

My world gets more and more beautiful everyday! I can't get over this season and all the colors. It takes my breathe away everywhere I look!

We are all lost in this life, but when I accept that and hold on to all the beautiful things, all that matters is finding what happiness means to you, even if you're unsure of who you are;

Tea with a friend
A bright red tree
A new hair color
A good book
A perfect cuddling position on the couch
A rainy day...

Too Excited to Write Well or Say Much...

Soo much to say! New place, new internship, new minor, new job...if I can find the time. lol.

I am so enjoying making my life all that I can right now. I am in love with my internship! It lets me do what I love most, helping people. I get to be the mentor I never had, someone these girls can aspire to and look up to, someone who is not Lindsey Lohan or Miley Cyrus. I am so excited to see these girls have a complete change of their self-concept. I cannot wait to struggle with them to win the fight against negative body image, low self-esteem, no direction, no inner strength or identity. I cannot wait to see what they teach me and how much they inspire a growth in me. Sure I'm not a morning person and haven't woken up this early in *cough* 4 years *cough*, but it's totally worth it. This may be what I want to do with my life: Teach our youth the importance of communication, and positive self-image, give them strengths, goals, and knowledge of consequences. I'm so excited I stumbled into this.

I'm proud of myself for the first time in a long time. I went through an interview, yikes, and got the job. Applied for my internship, stressful, and disciplined myself to go to all the training, and I keep finding ways to make school fun and exciting so I can finish on time. Self-confidence is so hard to come by and many of us get broken down constantly from the media, others and mostly from ourselves, and my internship has taught me how important it is to simply, like yourself.

Now if I could only get to the gym regularly! goodness!

CHANGE: get used to it

We always seem to think that one day we will fall in love and that's it! The screen will flash black and "happily ever after" will be scribbled across it in pretty cursive and we will live our life forever in that state. But the funny thing about relationships is they are constantly in a dialectical flux. They are constantly changing and cannot be determined or finalized...ever! In fact everything in life is always changing.

Lately you could say I'm experiencing all the dialectical tensions in the book. I have learned all about relationships and could give you tons of theories to capture all of the aspects and complexities, and although I understand them even better now that I'm going through them, they aren't really helping me. Maybe just being able to define the problem quicker will put me ahead, but the answer is still no where to be found.

I am feeling things I have never felt before and cannot explain or control them. It's super frustrating. It has been said multiple times that the artist must give himself over to his emotions and work if he is to ever make something great. Well I don't want to turn my disconsolation into artwork, I don't want to sacrifice my life and happiness to make great works. So why am I still totally controlled by my emotions? Why do they effect everything I am and do? But most importantly why are they there and how do I get rid of these particular ones? Especially if I don't understand them.

Basically I'm starting to see how much a relationship changes constantly, and when I feel I have a grasp on mine, well something new is thrown into the mix. It's making more and more sense why the majority of relationships don't make it. So I don't understand the new things I have to go through, and I can't anticipate what will come tomorrow, but I know love is what will get me through a lifetime of changes within myself and my relationship, and I have plenty of that.

So although we wish we could stay in our head-over-heels-honeymoon phase forever it quickly ends, as do all the phases after that. Life doesn't work that way, and at the risk of beating a dead horse, the only thing that is constant is change. But in the end would we truly want things to stay the same? That would just be boring and take a lot of the fun out of everything. Oh the stability vs. change dialectic, the paradox that will forever leave us tossing and turning.

A Heap in Woolf's Clothing

Please read/follow my second blog if you have time. Thanks! http://discovertheadventure.blogspot.com/2010/09/oh-fall.html

I am really enjoying reading old works of literature and learning about amazing women writers, some with such tortured souls.

Book #16: My Antonia by Willa Cather: Maybe I'll write about this later. lol

Book #17: A Room of One's Own by Virgina Woolf

As I read this new seeds of thought were constantly being planted in my head and they grew into ideas that challenged and excited me. There are many things I would like to write about but one that I can't seem to stop thinking about is anger's place in literature, in writing. Woolf seems to take the stance that anger negatively affects a work. That it makes women, people in general “...write in a rage where she should write calmly. She will write foolishly where she should write wisely. She will write of herself where she should write of her characters” (Woolf, 70). I'm struggling with how I feel about this. There are many reasons to write; to inform, to persuade, for self indulgence, but I feel like nobody writes unless they are a little restless in their own lives. It is when someone is suffering, or confused, or seeking change that they are driven to write. This makes me feel like writing is driven by passion. It makes me feel like it is when someone is angry and puts themselves in their writing that good writing gets down on paper because they are motivated. Then I truly thought of the craft of writing, how if you do want social reform, or to get people thinking, you cannot shove it in their face because the rebellious human nature will make sure they do not digest it. Writing needs to be done in a way that is strategic and clever, that circles around the idea so the reader can stumble across it themselves. This is how anger can ruin writing. It gets in the way of a person's ability to plan, and choose their words carefully. But I am still not sure if taking yourself out of a work of writing is a good idea. I am not convinced it can be done at all, but once again I ask, “Why write if not to express yourself? Why write if not for a healthy outlet to release your anger and to direct your passion?” I write because I am restless, because I am angry and passionate, if I did not poses these things, maybe my writing would be better, but I fear I would have no motivation to write, and nothing interesting to write about.

In A Moment Everything Can Change

Life is so silly, right when I'm at my lowest self-esteem God decides to give me a little perspective. Well he doesn't so much give it to me as hit me over the head with it. It literally took a baseball smashing into my nose for me to get it. For me to understand how lucky and blessed I am and how much worse it could be...I look ridiculous right now by the way. This pain is a constant reminder how precious life is, how delicate we are. Life happens and in a moment everything can change and your life can be turned upside down. We should be thankful every moment, love fully, and try to never hold on to negative feelings, or leave a relationship poorly, or at least what we have control over. Sometimes we forget we are not invincible, but it wouldn't take much to wipe us right off this earth, and right out of so many people's lives. Be thankful for what you have, you could always have less, you could always go lower and God is not afraid to remind you of that. Well thanks God, I hear you loud and clear...but please please return me to my natural face.
Love, Carrie

If You Can Look Up, You Can Stand Up.

Low esteem usually starts with the outside world, but it thrives within you. When you start to recognize and remind yourself of your flaws it is a slippery slope to the bottom where you completely internalize everything and really start believing it. Not liking yourself is a dangerous place to be and a hard place to get out of, mainly because it is up to you, the person who believes you are not worth saving, to get you out. No one else can do it, and they shouldn't have to.

I don't know how I got into this state, but all that matters is how I get out of it. In order to find my strengths, I believe I need to identify where I'm weakest, then set goals.

Body/ Physical Appearance: Make a firm work out schedule and stick to it. Eat balanced meals and learn about health and vitamins.

Mind/career goals: Keep reading. Read more. Stop thinking about the future. Take more classes out of my element that challenge me so I can actually be proud of my good grades. Stop doubting what I'm doing and where it's going to take me. Get a job I enjoy. Get an internship.

Spirit/Beliefs: Go to a church on Sundays. Get involved with a college bible study. Read more philosophy on my own. Drink three cups of tea a day and have that be my peaceful reflective time.

Social life/ Interests: Take up a new hobby and take classes in it; Dance, Music, Art. Make health a hobby. Learn more about my existing hobbies. Try and find a youth group I feel comfortable in. Reach out to others. Make lunch dates with old friends. Make more travel plans.

Most importantly take a deep breath everyday and enjoy how beautiful life is. And be thankful that I am healthy, safe, and alive.

Knowledge

There's so much to learn I can't stand it! Not that I'm overwhelmed with learning it all, I just got to figure out a way to keep it all in my head. I literally feel like plugging my ears so it can't spill out!

Nothing is a more wonderful feeling to me than learning...well maybe the joy lies in the thinking aspect.

Today I was once again taken to new depths. Asked what I believed on things that I could talk myself in circles with all day. Told that until I know where I stand it is difficult to know where I'm coming from, knowing my full identity, and understanding myself as a communicator.
I love this wonderful thing called learning! I love when I'm reminded it truly isn't about grades or tests, it's about the pure and simple fact that we have a mind, mix it with the existence of information, and we get a desire, nah, a thirst for knowledge.

We are capable of soo much more! Right now I'm so disappointed with how society is set up, kids go to college, bullshit their way through, and get a piece of paper so they can move on to what's "truly important", getting a job and becoming a consumer. Screw that! Knowledge is the destination for me, I'm not passing through it on my way to get a bigger paycheck. Why is humanity trained this way, why is society set up this way. Bettering my career, that's great but superficial, bettering myself..that will last forever.

It has been such a long time since I updated about my reading list! There is so much to be said but I'm so caught up on the book I just finished I fear I can't write enough on the others. I have so many books I'm reading for my 19th century women literature class that I'm very excited about also.

Book #12: The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society: I think I already wrote about this one. But such an easy cute read that made me want to be apart of something, a community, and very much so made me want to travel to Guernsey. Well written, epistolary format, interesting view of a historical event that I've never thought about before, just simply wonderful.

Book #13: Animal Farm: Another book that just takes an hour or two and worth reading. Nice, short and to the point. One of my favorite books is 1984. Animal farm is a simpler version of a dystopia using animals. A book about how tricky forming a government is, how quickly things get out of hand, how human ignorance, greed and power will lead us to a downfall. It was fun recognizing the events in history Orwell was referencing. Such a neat way to look at them.

Book # 14: Stranger in a Strange Land: Started out so neat! What a cool rare perspective to view the world as. Such a beautiful innocence that viewed this superficial, materialistic sinful world. About halfway though the book it got weirder and weirder. It made me uncomfortable and although a lot of neat things were brought up; religion, freedom, knowledge, sex, enlightenment, gender roles, human limits... I was left feeling angry at the book. It seemed to challenge my morals and values and like anyone, when I feel my world being shaken, I get angry. This book was written well and said a lot of neat things. But I was not comfortable with this cult, their sexual practices and some other things that were brought up, but I think that was the point. The outside world in the book did not understand or support it either. Usually when you are faced with the inside view of something you did not previously understand it opens up your mind and you sympathize with this group. In this book I was standing with the rest of the world rejecting this new prophet and his practices, and I feel horrible for admitting that.

Book # 15: College Girl: This book hit me deep for some reason, it made me want to scream. I got to a certain point and I was overwhelmed with sadness and frustration that I just had to read the majority of it in one sitting because I needed it to get better before I could live again. Even though my life is different in many ways, I felt like I was this girl for some strange reason. It taught me a lot about me, life, relationships, relationships I've never understood before, ignorant people, and just college in general.

There are so many good quotes in all of these books that spoke to me, but since I update so rarely, I'm just going for the basics right now for my piece of mind. Will right more later! Just wanted to get this down quickly before I turn any more pages!

In The Right Place

There are days when I forget who I am, there are days when I don't like how I'm acting, and there are days where I'm lost completely. But today I feel better about who I am than I have in a long time.

In this first week of school, after getting frustrated and being discouraged, I finally settled into the fact that I will be here for 15 weeks. School is not hard, but man is it a work load! I'm not saying I don't love it, cuz for some crazy reason I do, but I am excited to be done with this semester so I've completed more college than I have left. That will feel good. Overall I'm happy with my classes and constantly get little reminders that I am in the right place making my annoying doubts smaller and smaller. You probably all know I've driven myself have insane trying to decide where I should be. I found out I can only take 6 more classes for my major, and looking at my list of 13 I'd love to take, I realized I'm going to be ok if there's that many classes in my discipline I'm excited about. My major is called the crossroads major. This is because where all other majors pass though meaning, I live in it! Meaning and messages are everything! They create our world and wrap there arms around everything else making them possible. For me, someone who wants to do everything, and is a little bit of everything, this seems like my place. I just love language! I love learning how to improve my communication because it allows me to do everything I truly want to; understand others better, build tolerance, grow, help others understand me better, and have the tools to persuade and demand attention to change the world. Who knows what I will do with it, but really my life is not about a career, or what I'm going to do, it's about who I'm going to be, and this is the best major to improve myself in every day life.

Will write about all my good and interesting books soon!

Jump In!

Press play and read on. lol

Hello, well I'm back from Greece (view blog: http://discovertheadventure.blogspot.com/ and follow if you like what you see. lol) and I had just an amazing time! In fact it has been quite difficult to readjust to normal life. I'm so glad I went! I re-found some of my confidence, adventure, independence, and really some happiness. Sometimes you get a glimpse of the person you were made to be, and when you get to be that person you feel in harmony with your inner soul. I felt that way on my trip. I feel that way with my new confidence and motivation. I had many realizations on this trip. I realized that I deserve to have friends who love and care about me, and even though I've been disappointed by lots of friends, I'm ready to put that behind me and find some new ones. There are a lot of amazing people out there, and it's often when you are not looking that you find them. Traveling around the world and seeing people all over, well I realize that I'm pretty lucky with the guy I have, and it's worth working through all the hard things life throws at you to stay with a person like that. I learned I'm pretty great too. My family makes sure to knock you down if you are ever in a good place with yourself. They don't just keep you grounded, they keep you just below the surface and call it staying humble. Well I'm tired of having no self-esteem, and I'm starting to realize it's ok to like who you are. It's ok to be happy, and to be happy with yourself. And since I know it's ok to be happy with myself, I don't have to be scared to work hard to get to there. Often my family seems under the surface, I don't know, jealous of me going on these trips. But that's not really fair. The only difference between me and them is I made it happen. I stopped saying what if, and said sign me up. Because it doesn't come down to money and time, it comes down to fear and laziness. We all say "wouldn't it be cool if..." well I get sick of that and I try to always say "wasn't it cool when..." I encourage everyone to, simple put, make stuff happen. Sign up for that blank you've always wanted. Rearrange your work schedule, start saving money, make life happen! If you don't it's not going to happen for you. Stop making excuses and being lazy because it's worth it when you do. Of course I'm going to take my own advice because I'm scared as hell to do lots of things as well. But one by one I'm knocking those things off the list, and I'm happy every time I do. I hope everyone had an awesome summer and is living it up all the way to the end. But the end is approaching quickly. Which isn't something to be sad about, because there is always something beautiful and something great all the time and around every corner.

Slow Down!

Wow! Life is so crazy right now! I have so much stuff going on! I'm going to Glenwood, then Greece, then school starts, then moving! It's great to have things to look forward to, but it is almost too hard to enjoy where you are at when you have so many exciting things in the future.

We found the coolest place to move and I am soo excited! It feels more like a house than an apartment and it feels so..surreal. I don't feel old enough to live like that. lol. I do absolutely love the apartment I'm in now though and I need to enjoy the time I have in it. I'm also kinda going to miss it but I just have to be so thankful that I had such an awesome first apartment then move on to bigger and better things. I will so miss the park and the Greenbelt though!

Anyway planning things is good and having things to look forward to makes life great and worth living. But I have to keep reminding myself to slow down and enjoy what is now. I'm so excited to be graduated, but I need to just enjoy every second of being in school. It's bad to always be somewhere else in your mind, or always wanting to be somewhere else. I need to enjoy every moment I'm in while I'm in it so I don't miss it. Basically I'm telling myself don't miss what's happening now because you're looking at whats next.

Something to Chew on

It is such a beautiful day! I am having such a great summer!
I had a blast at the Renaissance festival the other day. I cannot even believe how many people are kids inside. It is so fun! I found some of my favorite foods there! My consensus is it is a bunch of people who dress up in whatever they want, get drunk, and watch shows with humor that constantly crosses the line! haha. Can't wait to go back!

Something to think about:
Living with my boyfriend has been an absolute blast! We chose to get a two bedroom apartment because we wanted our own space. When I tell people we actually sleep in separate beds for the most part they all kinda have the same reaction. They think it's weird. I've never really thought about it, we just sleep better that way. We can spread out, get up as many times as we want, move all we want, really it's stress free not having to worry about bothering another person or being bothered. Right now it works out great, but I naturally assumed things would be different when we're married. Then I came across this article, and also a really interesting video about how 1 in 4 married couples sleep in different beds. I don't know how I feel about it in marriage, but I definitely know people who get better sleep are happier. I also know my parents didn't get along until they had separate houses! Where is the future going? Are we getting selfish and independent, or are we getting smarter and learning how to make things work? Here are some of the sources. What do you guys think about sleeping in separate beds? Do you think it is old-fashioned, or modern? Where do you think you would sleep better?

video: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/38411118#38411118
(More married couples sleeping apart)

Here are 4 articles on it:

http://www.therealestatebloggers.com/%20/housing-general/why-married-sleeping-seperately-is-changing-home-designs-in-us/

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/04/23/earlyshow/health/main2715817.shtml

http://www.spaceandculture.org/2007/03/15/rewriting-marriage-two-beds-bedrooms-at-a-time

by Bruce Feiler

My grandparents had a secret. When I was growing up in Savannah, Ga., in the 1970s, my paternal grandparents lived in the house immediately behind us. (My uncle lived next door in a set-up my father likened to Faulkner.) But my grandparents did something in their otherwise typical suburban home that was always something of a mystery to me.

They slept in separate bedrooms.

I speculated that this bifurcated sleeping arrangement had something to do with Southern gentility, Papa’s late-night ham radio habit, or some unseen rift in their marriage. But since my parents slept in side-by-side twin beds, and my wife and I later chose a king-size mattress, I assumed separate bedrooms had gone the way of other bygone relics, like sleeping caps or corsets.

I was wrong. It turns out my grandparents were ahead of their time.

Nearly one in four American couples sleep in separate bedrooms or beds, the National Sleep Foundation reported in a 2005 survey. Recent studies in England and Japan have found similar results. And the National Association of Home Builders says it expects 60 percent of custom homes to have dual master bedrooms by 2015.

Even Hollywood is catching on. The former bodyguard for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt told In Touch Weekly recently that the couple often sleeps in separate rooms. (Ms. Jolie informed Vanity Fair that the couple sometimes sleeps in one “giant bed” with their six children.) In Touch also reported this spring that five months after Kevin Jonas of the Jonas Brothers traded his purity ring for a wedding band, he was sleeping separately from his wife. The reason, a friend said: “He snores like a freight train.”

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Blog number 2!

Hey! As you all know I love traveling and am very excited for my trip coming up soon! I started another blog just to write about my traveling experiences. I'd love it if you followed it! K, Love Care
http://discovertheadventure.blogspot.com/

Rain lovely Rain

I am enjoying my summer so so much, and at the moment am absolutely pleased with this rain! It is beautiful outside, I wish I could freeze this picture forever: dark green, gray, a complete rainbow, and the most interesting glow of yellow from the sunset, all through a rainy haze. This summer I have done so many fun things and have relaxed at the same time! I can't wait for Greece!! Right now life is good, but there are still many things on my mind.

Random: I love this article: http://www.newsweek.com/2010/07/19/man-up.html?gt1=43002

Lately I'm having a hard time posting my blogs, it would be so much easier if a bunch of strangers read them that I would never see. lol

This is all rambling so I can try to understand how I am feeling, so sorry. Obviously you are never going to have everything in common with any one person, especially someone you date. But I think it is important to spend lots of time together when you are in a relationship, and how are you supposed to when you don't have things in common? Should you share all your interest? Should you pick up theirs? What if they don't want or need you to be interested in theirs because they already have others to enjoy those interests with? Is it important to have your own interests? Do you get new interests together? Or are you not meant to be together if you don't have the same hobbies and interests? Other couples seem to have no problem going off and doing their own things, but I don't like it. I feel like your partner should be your absolute best friend in the world, and shouldn't you do the things you love together? Shouldn't they want to do everything with you?

I guess what I am saying, after my training in interpersonal communication, is that I think I am now in the Differentiation stage of my relationship. I have learned all about the stages of relationships/friendships. They totally make sense and now I can always point out what stage I am in with everybody I know. To give you a mini lesson there are 10 stages that do not have to all be reached and often do not go in order. There is the integration stage, stage 4, most people never get here, this is where two people are absolutely in love, spend all their time together, and are basically one person. This is where they can tell each other anything. The stage after that is called the Differential stage. This is where the differences that you did not notice before, or thought were cute, start to appear and matter. This is the stage where both people stop hanging out with each other as much and regain their independence. This is usually where the relationship plateaus off and remains, but much of the time it is the first step on the long and painful road towards termination. I believe I am just entering this stage, and although I know it is usually inevitable and healthy, it is difficult for me. I am perfectly happy in the integration stage and don't have much interest in other friends.

I'm having a great summer and have so many things to look forward to. Relationships are not always easy...scratch that, they are never easy, but I feel so so lucky and blessed to have mine, and I guess we are all learning together how to be successful and make them last forever.

Breaking the Bitter

Sometimes you lose... Sometimes you don't get the promotion, sometimes corruption wins, sometimes you want something so bad and don't get it. We've all been rejected or turned down at one time in our life. We've all had people we trust (friends, family) let us down. We have all been disappointed with ourselves and this world. We've all hurt, we've all done wrong and been wronged. And you know something? Many of us let it win..and once again we lose.

When looking at an adult...whatever that means, it is often we can taste the edge of bitterness. Some people are so bitter. They are angry, they are frustrated, they have given up and have settled on the fact that this world sucks, and life is not fair.

Then you find a jewel. Someone who has been knocked down just as many times, but has gotten up one more time than the rest of us. Someone who just understands and knows this world is a beautiful place and there's a reason for everything. Not to be cliche but "When one door closes another one opens."

I want to be young forever. Not in the sense most people my age mean. I mean I don't want to get anger, and overwhelmed, bitter...I don't want to give up. I don't want to loose, and never try to win again. I always want to forgive, and not hold on to grudges and times that I got screwed over for the rest of my life. This giving up is what makes people old and miserable. I want to get back up every time. Often I let wrong things in the world keep me down. I want to be stronger than that. I have perfect vision now, I can see 20/15. Now I only need to work on seeing the beautiful things in this world more clearly. I will not let time and disappointments and people ruin me. This slowly letting things ruin us and shutting down is horrible.

I will take rejection and move on. I will make new dreams and goals till the day I die. I will stay healthy so I can go mountain biking when I am 70. I will forgive old friends that have hurt me, and open my heart up fully to new ones. The world is beautiful, there is always another day, another dream, and I will stand up every single time.

Thank you to those who always stay positive. Who constantly remind me of the beauty in this world. Who don't let it get you down or beat you. You will keep those wrinkles off my face, and the bitter out of my heart. Love, Carrie

Lucidity

Having the most wonderful days! I absolutely love my family. I am spending more time with friends, and enjoying my summer!

When my Grandpa was asked (in a lucid moment) what his life philosophy was, he said "Do the best you can, then be satisfied with what you can do." I love this. If you do your absolute best, that's all that matters. I can do better, and I will.

Life is crazy, sometimes frustrating, and hard, but beautiful, and I am thankful for mine.

Apples

Sometimes I don't know if I was made for a better world, or if I was made to better this world. The latter seems overwhelming. If one bad apple can spoil the bunch, then what chance does one good apple have in a bunch of bad apples? Maybe I'm looking at it wrong. Instead of just focusing on how one bad thing can easily corrupt everything, maybe I need to focus on one bad thing. Instead of focusing on bad and good, what matters is the number one, one person, can change the rest. That gives me hope. The thing is the world does not want to be changed, and I sure can't be apart of it as is, so maybe I was made for a different world. And maybe I was just made to be alone in this world. This is no good either because all that matters to me are the people in my life. And maybe instead of feeling like it's my responsibility to change the other apples, I need to step out of the barrel completely. Cut the bad out of my life, and search for the beautiful people that do exist everywhere even though they are hard to find. It's hard because when is it time to help others, and when is it time to know you can no longer let them pull you down? Removing the bad from you life seems like your on a boat and you have to remove all the weight so you can stay afloat, so you can save yourself, except that weight is people. Is it ok to save yourself? Isn't the honorable thing to go down with the ship, or risk your own life.

Smell that? That's Life right infront of You

Life is good, there are so many wonderful opportunities! There is so much life to be had. There are so many books to read, movies to watch, people to meet, places to see, mountains to climb, buildings to jump off of, so many landscapes to be appreciated. I want it all, and I'm so thankful that I can have whatever I'm willing to chase.

I over think life a lot, which is holding me back from enjoying it to the full extent. In a way thinking and questioning is how I enjoy life, but getting angry and frustrated is not. I need to stop that. Nah, I am going to stop that, I am going to stop getting in my own way. I'm going to stop getting mad, I'm going to stop letting things get me down. Maybe to do this I need to know what is getting me down? What are the things that make me sad?

Death/growing old- This is a part of life. It is so sad to watch people grow old, but I just have to know that they will die, and death will be a good thing. I need to know that their best days are not behind them and society has not just pushed them aside. I need to believe that they had a good life, and spent it the way they wanted.

Missing out on things/ Not being able to do it all/ Letting myself down- I need to be quiet and listen to my heart. I need to become aware of what I really want, and focus on accomplishing that. I need to know that I am capable of doing a lot of things if I make them happen. I need to not be afraid to go after them.

People- I need to cut them slack. There are tons of beautiful people, and tons of beautiful things people have done. No one is completely good or bad, and that's what comes with freewill, which is a great thing. I need to have lower expectations for people. I can only control myself, and although my expectations can still be high, I can cut myself some slack too.


I think it is important to constantly remind ourselves who we are, and what we want. As long as you can be honest with yourself, you can be true to yourself. As long as you know who you are, what you believe and why, there is no problem that can't be solved and no goal that can't be reached.

We can do better

Music while you read, lol

"The good and the bad, it's a good life all and all..but I'm still going to try with everything I am to make it better"

I've made mistakes, I've grown
I've failed and succeeded
I've been a brat, and I've been giving and selfless
I've let my emotions take me to dark places, I've let them take me to somewhere beautiful
I've created, I've destroyed
I've done the best I can, and I constantly want to do better.
I want to make people smile everyday, I want to save an animal's life, I want to teach a kid to read, I want to build a family a home, I want to give everything I am to making this world better.

We all make mistakes, we are all learning, but I often get the feeling other people don't care like I do when they mess up. I see people making the world worse, I see people that aren't willing to stand up for what is right, and I don't know what to do. It kills me. I want to make the world better, but I feel like everything is against me, I feel like even good people who don't care make it harder on people like me. Why can't we all leave things better then we found them, why can't we all want good and a better world? Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time and efforts here. I want to go somewhere where my efforts will actually affect someone's life. I found a really cool volunteer program and I'm very excited about it. You can go to another country for as long as you want and just help, it sounds wonderful and such a nice break from well...here. I need to make my life an instrument for good. I don't know what else I can do with myself here on earth. I don't want things, or money, or a big name, I just need to make things better. I wish I didn't feel so.. alone on this.

Playing and Relaxing at the Lake

Sometimes the only thing to do is to take a week away from society, away from electronics, away from everything, and just have a good old camping trip. Spending time with people, relaxing, not worrying about time, and playing games. This is the first year that my family camping trip went perfect. No holding down our stuff praying the swirling clouds above won't make a tornado, no holes in the tube, no getting stuck in the sand. It was great. I had so much fun spending time with the people I love. This year my boyfriend's family came as well which was a blast! I spent my time flying on top of the water, sometimes fearing for my life with 8 foot waves, reading, relaxing, and we played so many games, which I love! I am so thankful for my family and that we can go on these trips every year.


The amazing storms that we got to watch but didn't bother us. Man I can't even explain how magical it was! The whole sky was lighting up over the water constantly! I love storms! I also love not dying so it was perfect to watch them and not feel them when camping. So much power, beauty, and a lesson of perspective. When we turned around the sky was beautiful and the stars were showing clear.


The gorgeous spot that Kevin found and we enjoyed together. The sunsets were so pretty every night. Purples, Pinks, Yellows, Blues- Amazing!


Where I spent much of my time thinking, reading and relaxing. I loved my latest book so much! I'll write about it in another blog.
It was a lovely time. I've always hated Nebraska, but there is always something beautiful in every place in it's own way. Being at the lake is beautiful!

Note: I decided to start a travel blog separate from this one if anyone is interested in reading it. I will start writing on it soon!

Hope everyone is enjoying and making the most of their summer!

You're Silly Life

Summer time, oh how wonderful it is. Mornings with tea and reading, sitting by the pool, being active, taking walks..I love it!

Yesterday, for our anniversary, my boyfriend and I got in the car with plenty of good music and headed for the beautiful Estes Park! It was soo gorgeous and I had never been there! There was so much to do there! Rafting, horseback riding, hiking. We have to go back! We had a fabulous day and tried some rock climbing...all I can say is wow, it is so much harder then I remember it being! I realized just how pathetic my little arm muscles are. Walking around the little town and the lake was so much fun. The shops are adorable and the food was delicious. The Stanley hotel is so cool and I am excited to actually stay there sometime. It was a perfect little getaway!

Books: So I have been terrible about writing about them so here are mini reviews..at least for now.

Book #8: Fool by Christopher Moore- What can you say about Moore- Witty, clever, vulgar...basically hilarious! I so enjoy reading his books. they are such a nice break sometimes from really emotionally draining books. I do have to re-read sometimes to make sure I pick up on all of his jokes, but I probably still miss some. He' so clever. Even though he is silly, I still got a lot of good things from his book. I'll probably do more quotes later.
"Is loyalty a virtue when paid to virtue's stranger?"

"I'm a lapsed Christian and a pagan of convenience." So funny and could really be analyzed.

"Without hell, there was no fear, and without fear, there was no further need for the church to supply redemption, and more important, no means for the church to modify behavior."


Book #9: The 19th Wife by David Ebershoff- I loved this book. I have not read too much historical fiction but I loved it. It gave me a new understanding for Mormonism and just religion in general. Everyone has their beliefs, some don't have much of a choice in the matter because they don't know anything else. But everyone is trying to be a good person, trying to be true to their beliefs, and ultimately get to heaven. I also learned that there is a spectrum in every single thing and sometimes we forget that. We must not let a few represent a whole group. There are good and bad people in every religion, in every culture, in every government, in every idea! This book covered the Mormon religion from many different perspectives, and from people at different positions in their life, and throughout time. Last who is anyone to say that their religion is any less crazy than anyone else's? When we say one religion is correct, by default it makes others wrong, when in truth there exists much more similarities in religion than differences. This book took me deeper into the idea of faith then I have really been, questioning and analyzing it. And also I obviously had fun with the gender aspect of the book and the lust vs. love idea. It was wonderful. There are so many good quotes I can't even begin to list them, but I will say this one.
"How you spend your days, is how you spend life." We should always remind ourselves all there is to experience in this life, and what we are capable of, we must not waste life.

Book # 10: Pale Horse Pale Rider by Katherine Anne Porter- A lovely book of 3 short stories. It is for anyone who doesn't know what life is or what to do with it. It asks many questions, and it talks about the act of asking these questions. It is just about life. There is so much more to be said, but I just don't know how. There are lots of cute little things, here's a few.
"Nothing is mine, I have only nothing but it is enough, it is beautiful and it is all mine."

"Beauty goes. character stays."

"...going over old stories and finding new points of interest in them...She knew too many like them, she wanted something new of her own."


Book # 11: The Elegance of the Hedgehog- I absolutely adore this book! Everyone has a book that mirrors what they would of liked to write, and this book is mine. Thank goodness she wrote it because it is done so well. I am about 1/4 of the way into it. I don't know how I'm ever going to write about this one because I love everything! Another book for a restless, philosophical, wondering mind.

In other news I am so excited to go camping, my eyes are doing great, and I'm deciding for good if I want to study abroad.

This Can't just be Chaos!

Life, This earth, Our individual minds, Personality, Passion, Our bodies, Breathing, Love, Creativity, The Universe...What I just exhibited was a list of things that are absolutely, without a doubt, amazing!!

The fact that we exist in such a perfect environment made of all the right factors in a bubble of oxygen in the middle of a never ending universe is absolutely incredible! It can't just be coincidence. We, people, are amazing. The fact that we breath, think, create, and just live is spectacular.

People always tell me to just worry about myself, which is true. We need to focus on growing, improving, and proving ourselves to ourselves at our own pace. But I always feel like I can't just sit by and watch other people drown. If I was on a plank and people were all around me reaching up for help, I would save every single one of them without a thought. Then I realized I'm not on a plank, and these people are not asking for my help. When they do, I do help, more than I have ever realized before. Today I got the biggest complement. Someone told me I really encouraged them to be stronger, and to be confident in who they were just by watching me. They told me I pulled them out of a depression just because I took the time to realize they were sad and talk to them. It made me feel so good. I could not believe I came across that way, because I'm just as lost and confused as most, but I really helped them and I didn't even know it. It felt good to know that I don't have to put myself through hell for people, and frustrate myself trying to reach them. I really can wait for them to come to me, and I can affect other people's lives just by being me and being an example, which is what a lot of people were meaning all along.
Anyway I'm starting to realize that just worrying about bettering myself does not mean I do not help others. It simply means that who you are and where you are in life is just between you and god. And when you worry about yourself you are more equipped when people do ask for your help, and makes it so you can help them just by living your life.

While we are bettering ourselves, and reaching this age of awareness of how amazing it is that we are even alive, we need to know how amazing we are. We have full control in who we are; we are the captain of our minds and ourselves. We are the ones that tear ourselves down. We scream at ourselves for our failures, and remind us constantly that we are flawed and not good enough. We need to realize our control and build ourselves up at our own pace. We need to be patient with ourselves. We need to realize what we don't like about ourselves and know we have the power to change it. We are all amazing people because we are here! We have our own unique interests and personalities, thoughts, and beliefs. We all look a certain way, but that doesn't really matter. We are all beautiful because we work. We are machines that work perfectly. We all breathe, and have a heart beating in our bodies right now.

So I'm done tearing myself down. I will continue to better myself, but I will be still and know. Know that I am amazing, know that I am good enough, know that I help people, know that I can reach my goals. I hope all of you will realize how amazing you are.

fun FuN FUN!

What a fabulous couple of days I have just had! Yesterday was spent with the boy and it was so much fun! I started off the day making strawberry crepes, which were ahhmazing! Then we went shopping and re-organized the apartment, followed by some good old basketball, which I won, an important fact. lol Then we had a gorgeous drive up to Golden to have some pizza. While enjoying the beautiful view from the M, we saw three deers right next to us, so cool! We finished the night off with some new Jack Johnson and painting each other. Just a wonderful day!

Water World is soo much fun! That's where we spent the whole day and I am beat! It was a beautiful day and we had no lines! It was perfect. We saw the fatest squirrel ever! He made me laugh. He ate so much food and was not afraid of us at all.
Tomorrow is my anniversary with my boyfriend. Together 4 years. I feel extremely lucky and am so excited to celebrate.

Happily Awaiting Happiness

Two blogs in one day? I must be crazy. If you only have time to read one, don't pick this one. lol

I am really enjoying my most recent book! I'm flying through it. I absolutely love reading about the great discontentment, sadness, and confusion that many women have carried throughout time and what they have done with it. I feel I am one of these women that empathizes an unhealthy amount, over thinks everything, and is perfectly content in all the restlessness, searching and questioning. It inspired me to write this.

She contained a deep sadness, one held by her mother, and her mother's mother, and closely resembled the sadness a great deal of women have held throughout time. She liked this sadness, or at least was content in it. For it was a contemplative, reflective sadness. It moved her to appreciate, and strive for change. Sadness and happiness, whatever these flawed objective terms mean, cannot be separated, they are two sides of the same coin, two halfs of a whole binary opposition. She got overwhelmed with the ugly things in life, but she was the first one to point out the beauty in any situation. She felt, simply felt, the bad and the good, the sadness and the happiness completely, whole-heatedly, and without regret. She would not have herself any other way, could not imagine it rather. Sure it tortured her to her very core, and she was envious of the other world, the more superficial, free from thought world. The world where no thoughts existed on consequences, and bigger meaning... but she knew she could never be that, not now. It made her happy...to be sad. She liked over-thinking, she liked being different, she liked striving for change and searching for truth even when others discouraged it and told her just to worry about herself. It was a lonely life, especially on the inside, but she would rather be real and alone then fake and have a world of friends. She would rather be confused then not question, and she would rather feel sad, then be blind to hardship and suffering. Only when you have felt sad, truly deeply sad, can you understand what it means to be happy, and understand why we should all contribute and strive for change.


Writing this blog reminded me of a silly little poem I wrote in the ninth grade. So I will include it, silly, kinda dumb, and unchanged from the original.

Happily awaiting Happiness
She sits there perfectly content
Had some advice didn’t know what it meant
Looking at the beauty nothing is wrong
She hums a happy little song
What is she waiting for?
She’s smiling such a pretty smile
Doesn’t look at a watch but she’s been there awhile

She waits patiently with her smile
Whatever she’s waiting for must be worthwhile
What is she waiting for
She looks to the sun?
She’ll be burned in the long run
But she doesn’t care
She is so much more then rare
What is she waiting for?

There are so many places she could be
But she has no intention to flea
whatever she is waiting for?
She’s waiting for more
What are you missing
What aren’t you missing
What are you waiting for?

I watch her so confused
Don’t know if she needs rescued
You seem so pleased
Why are you so at ease
What are you waiting for?
You look so happy
You look so glad
Your forever waiting is to bad
What are waiting for?
You seem so happy
----------yet----------
You’re waiting for your happiness
I never would’ve guess
You’re happily awaiting happiness
What a mess
To happily await happiness
You’re simply complicated

Clouds and Growing Old

Today I was staring up at the sky being alive and all, when I started studying the clouds. I saw many things; a dragon, a face, a heart, letters that I decided were my name, just to name a few. I tried to see things, and interpret what they meant. Were they signs? Were they answers? I tried to make these big masses of water into things that made sense to me, to my insignificant thoughts, my small world, and my one perspective. That was wrong of me I realized. If I really want to learn, to be spoken to by something greater, I need to see things as they are not as I want them to be. While I am creating my own meaning and messages I'm missing something else. Then again maybe there's no meaning in anything. Maybe I should stop looking entirely. One things for sure, if you want to see signs, you can see them anywhere and make anything of them, that's why they don't seem to be of any help.

I find myself learning life lessons from simple everyday things in life, like clouds, and right after that happened, it came into play. From one hospital to another, witnessing the cruel hand of age, I saw two family members today lost, and getting taken over by disease. It happens, it's life, but it doesn't mean it's easy for anyone. I visited my Grandpa, such an amazing man with such a good spirit and a pleasure to talk to even in such a horrible just plain unfair state. While visiting him we learned we must make a decision about putting him permanently in this certain nursing home tomorrow. Here's the kicker "the sign" if you will. The name of his would-be roommate is the same as the new "friend" my grandma has in her life to get her through this. Is that weird or what? What does that mean? What is that telling us? Or in this chaotic insane world we live in, is it merely coincidence? Well probably coincidence, but I still believe God is hilarious and does get messages across in a way we will understand, but we can't assume we know what he is saying. If we don't get it, I'm sure he will be more clear the next time. Anyway, I'm so thankful there are people taking care of our elderly, because I don't think I could do it, it takes a strong wonderful person.

Once again, talking to people who have been here a lot longer than me, I realized:
* We are all just people.
* We are all just doing the best we can.
* We all make mistakes.
* Different things work different for different people.
* There are no answers found on this earth to our metaphysical questions...ever.
* We are all growing and learning till the very end*

Did you See that Sunset?

First I wanted to say I had a blast put put golfing! Adventure golf is Shweet!

Next on a quick note I had to publicly say goodbye to Lost, my favorite show. It took me on such an amazing journey and ended just beautifully.



Last May my dog (which naturally I believe was the greatest dog in the world, lol) died of heart cancer. In her memory we planted a Bleeding Heart plant, which only seemed fitting. Exactly a year later it is blooming magnificently and the flowers, which look like little hearts, are so neat. I would recommend planting one, ours is thriving.


I had the perfect day yesterday! It was a beautiful day and I did lots of fun things, including Casa Bonita! That place is soo cool and I think the food has improved since my childhood. I'm loving having a pool! Sitting by it and reading is just perfect. Oh and I have become a little obsessed with wii fit... I hereby announce June the 5th (yesterday) forever more, as the day I conquered much of wii fit's games (on beginner). The sunset was awesome, the lightning was absolute gorgeous at night, just a wonderful day. The world is beautiful if you let it be.

I've been painting a lot lately. I enjoy it so much. It's not about the final product, or who you show, it's about the process. Next to a bubble bath, Jack Johnson, and a cup of tea, nothing is more relaxing then a brush stroke on a canvas.

The house is officially out of my life in less than two weeks. It's been hard, but change is good, and since it has been slow I'm a little more ready for it. I know I am because I say "the house", instead of my home. I've been spending time putting all of our stuff into boxes. It's really nice getting rid of things, of crap, and trying to get down to the necessities. I've never done it before since we never moved when I was growing up, but it should be done often. We all get too attached to things. I love the backpack metaphor: Imagine everything you own being put in a backpack, then always carrying that around. Getting rid of stuff is a weight off our shoulders.

B-E-A-utiful Day

It has been a beautiful day, I should know for I am now a credible source, I could see for the first time today! I talked my way into some fabulous baseball seats after hundreds before me had been turned away with a sold out excuse. I had so much fun at the game, defiantly wasn't there to watch baseball, I mean who actually is, don't answer that probably lots of people. But seriously, all I'm saying is that if Gladiators still fought lions there would be no need for baseball.

New thought: I always thought you wanted to date someone that you liked yourself with, but now I'm realizing that's not true. You want to know and like yourself before you date someone at all. When we identify and create ourselves based on someone else, it is no wonder we are broken and lost when they are gone.

Also don't you hate when you are not sure if you made the right choice? I mean if you knew you made the right choose, or knew you did not, you could change it, but when you are not sure you have no idea how to proceed.

Mee Eyes!

Me on drugs after surgery...My awesome goggles...All my drugs!!

Not supposed to be on the computer yet, and there is a pretty little orange Valium waiting for me, so I'll make this quick. But basically PRK surgery was the weirdest thing ever! I'm so amazed at what they can do nowadays! It felt like I as in a kaleidoscope kinda with pretty lights. I was so drugged up it was hilarious! I was giggling like crazy the whole time and all the nurses were laughing at me. I've never slept so much as I have these last couple of days and I've had close to a hundred eye drops! lol. It's nuts and it's only just beggining. My recovery is fast and they say since I'm young I'm already more than half way done. Don't get me wrong, it's painful as heck. It feels like eyelashes or dried up contacts are in my eyes constantly, they itch and burn, and the drugs kinda make me nauseous and itchy everywhere....annoying, but it is really going well. I'm soo lucky to have such a good support system. There's no way I would be doing so well without them. I could never get these eyedrops in myself, which would be bad because the medicine in them was like 80 bucks and not even a drop can be wasted!....Crazy! Anyway I am doing good, my vision is already 20/25, when I can open my eyes, and I am just so thankful that I could afford this, and that everything went smoothly, that's the skinny and I hope it sufficed as I am on drugs now. lol

FroYo in Colo

Has had such a fun summer day! I really wish we could get paid for something other then work because life is so much more fun when my boy doesn't have to go.

I have to share this new amazing discovery with the world!!..or at least my few readers..it's a start. So there is this place in California called Golden Spoon, it's a little piece of heaven. I was sad because no place is obsessed with frozen yogurt as much as those crazy southern Californians, so when I found a place TEN times more AwESoMe right here in Colorado, I could hardly contain myself. It is called A Cherry On Top and it is in Cherry Creek mall...hmm, appropriate. If you are looking for a wonderful taste experience..and a stomach ache, then definitely go try it!!

I also have some other really fun places to tell you about, but one thing at a time is probably best.

Anyway now to go eat pizza, watch movies, and enjoy the hot tub. I love love love living with my boyfriend..It's so much fun!

"Beam me up, Scotty!"

It's not always easy to keep our minds out of the dark places. We all have a dark corner in our mind, and most of the time we manage to stay out of it. But when we start to wander back there for one reason or another we are overcome with darkness and all the boxes of storage come crashing down on us. For me there are two sides of me that live in alternate realities. As long as I can keep them separate one can control the other, but when they meet and merge into one, well I am in trouble. That is when the sky is swallowed by blackness, and only an outside source can fish me out with strong enough bait, and fishing line made of metal chains.

I'm pretty happy, and I find myself going back there less and less, but you know what's weird? When you are there, you like it there. You like being overtaken by an emotion so strong and feeling everything, anger, sadness, pity, depression, not hiding any of it or being so afraid you suppress it. Strong emotions, good or bad, cause the same reaction to occur in the body, and we, as people, love to feel. We love these strong emotions that rarely occur in real life. Maybe that's why we can't pull ourselves out.

I'm glad I have someone to pull me out, because when people don't, that's when they don't come back. This also made me realize I can't count on someone else being there. I need to be stronger, I need to never go there, I need to find a way to remove that corner from my mind entirely..but if I did I could not come suck a little bit of it out at times to create art. Then I thought of Monsters Inc. how laughs ended up being stronger than screams. If I could capture the magnitude of that emotion with happiness instead of depression, then maybe I could totally remove the darkness and in its' place have light. That way I could stay in control, and have motivation to be l'artiste.

On another note I saw a bee the other day. Amazing how many kids, well even people are afraid of them. The bee made me realize how amazing God is. When a bee stings you it dies. It doesn't want to hurt anyone, and I wonder if it knows the consequence. It is hurting someone and is making a suicide mission at the same time. Seems like a lose/lose to me. what if people were like that? I mean depending on your ability to empathize it does hurt you when you hurt someone else, it hurts everyone to an extent, with the exception of the sociopaths I guess. But what if we really physically died when we hurt someone? Maybe we should all live like we would... Today I learned a lot from Mrs. honeybee.

Un-Integrating

There's this boy, sure he likes video games, sports trivia, and cult classics, but I love him! I've got my ice cream and my cell phone's buzzin like crazy for the first time in awhile, this of coarse means one thing: I have been left alone this weekend. The boy has gone on a guy's weekend, and for once I decided to identify myself with the female species and stay behind. Ugh It was hard, being a girl sucks sometimes..sure you get free stuff and you don't have to carry your own books, but it's not worth it at all.

After the first, I don't know hour, of missing him like crazy I decided I should really take this time to get in touch with my girlfriends. When you are lucky enough to have your significant other be your best friend, you forget other people are on the planet. This is probably not healthy, about as healthy as only eating one food group. So as hard as it was allowing myself to get ditched this weekend, it reminded me it is important to have girl time. All I needed was him for so long, but him realizing he needs other friends made me realize I need mine, or maybe I'm just bitter because I was perfectly happy ignoring all my friend's phone calls for these past two years. I don't know, but as much as it hurts to know that the more we spend time with friends the less we'll spend together, it is important. I'm too young to give up my whole life for someone else. I need to live and find myself independently of him. I've already given up a lot, and that is how people turn out resentful and I never want that to happen.

So today I hung out by the pool with a lovely girlfriend of mine and enjoyed my summer with girl talk and sunshine. And I have fun plans the rest of the weekend as well.

So to wrap it up, I think for two people to remain individuals in their relationship is important. We have been integrated for so long, it's about time we become our own people again.

P.S. I love the summer! Lasik is less than a week away!

I'm Such A Buzz Kill

Tonight I am disappointed with the world and I'm sorry. lol.

There are many times in my life when I ask myself "Why do I care so much!?" I really wish I didn't. I want to make the world a better place so bad but no one seems to think there are problems where I see them. I should seriously stop caring and join the freaking world. But I really can't stand watching people poison their body, their minds, and watching them poison this earth. It's so dumb, believe me I know, but I wish people would stop drinking pop, stop eating terribly, drinking alcohol, stop littering, stop watching so much T.V. just would care more about themselves and the world around them. I feel like if they don't care about their bodies or respect themselves then why should I..but I freaking do! Goodness I see Pot places popping up more often then Starbucks and it makes me so sad. A part of me wishes alcohol and drugs did not exist at all. I am fine with the drinking age and would be fine if it was even older. But another part of me thinks it's a free country and it only makes since for that stuff to be legal. It really is more true to the American ideals to be legal. I just feel like there is so much fun to be had without that stuff, and they are not solving in problems, if anything they create many more!

Anyway I guess I'm sad. I wish people were stronger, more creative on their own without drugs, and respected their bodies more. I want to be good and healthy so bad, why don't other people?

"Insert Title Here"

Today was a beautiful day!

Sorry I have not posted in awhile, it's not that I haven't been writing, because that's what I do, but I haven't been publishing. I am quite honest with my readers, more honest than I want to be, so by no means am I hiding things from you. The reason you are not allowed to read them is because I'm not sure if the ideas I've been writing have come together quite yet to be in harmony with who I am. I am still crafting and shaping them and do not understand them yet, and how could I possible expect my readers to understand these same thoughts that currently perplex me.

Funny thing- understanding. I think communication is just such an amazing thing! Expressing your thoughts, and doing it accurately (meaning others' perceive it the way you meant it). People do not realize their control in a conversation, how important it is to use language and not let it use you, to take things out of the rhelm of theory and bring in a broader audience. I say this because I see when I am misunderstood, and I do not like it. It is not because I care too much of what others' think, but because I really do want to define myself on my own terms, and to be understood correctly. Communication is an amazing and a truly powerful tool, it is what makes thoughts possible, it is what stirs curiosity and brings peace to the unknown. With communication being so powerful, I believe miscommunication is the biggest problem we have. With these ideas that I hope you understand, if you didn't...Oh the Irony involved, I challenge you to let the world see you and know you on your terms. Realize the power and ambiguity in language, and play with it. Know that your word choice, the order you list words in, and the way you talk about things will all lead to how the world sees you, and when you look at it, is that how you want to be seen?


Next I've been waiting for my story to come, my talent, whatever it is. I really think the universe, god, something bigger will give it to me. But for now the stories and ideas I am given are incomplete. Do I have to keep poking and asking for this perfect story? Do I have to be patient and wait? I feel when I get the idea it will flow through me with ease and have a cathartic effect. But maybe I have to fill in the pieces myself, maybe I have to go get the pieces. Either way I am ready to create what I am meant to in this life. I am ready to have a story that teaches me things, that gets others to question and think..Most of all I'm ready for people to find my book amongst Oscar Wilde and Nathanael West in Borders (By no means am I comparing myself to them, and know I will never be anything close to a great, but these are the W names that came to my mind, lol). I'm young, but I hope it comes soon. It's more than possible I am not ready yet, for one often does not realize how to be ready for the unknown, but I am definitely ready to begin my journey towards finding a story worth writing/reading.

Very excited to write about Book #8, but feel I must refrain until I have discussed it with some people first.

Hope everyone is enjoying the beautiful weather!

Only You

How come men can just be painfully unromantic sometimes? It's like failing a test you already have the answers to. They watch the movies with the men saying exactly what we want to hear, is that so difficult to pick up on? I'm sure they call it cheesy and dismiss it, but cheesiness, when sincere, is exactly what we want. Men always seem to think women are so difficult, and we're really not. I argue they are just super unaware of the situation. Don't listen to the words we are saying, that should be easy enough. The hard part is learning the language of the nonverbal. Everyone should be a nonverbal linguist, it would help in every situation with reading men and women, boss's and friends. Anyway, I know movies totally screw up romance, but movies screw up everything in reality. It is not the media that reflects reality, it is reality that often mirrors the media. So make that romance reality. Not the drama, let's have roadblocks, and break up and get back together constantly. I mean saying cute things, leaving notes, and flowers and such. And I mean romance goes both ways. Girls should do equally cute things for their men. Kindness should be universal. My point is I'm not settling for a life without romance and passion, yes the media screws it up, but lets make it real. I know I am lucky and have a lot more romance then most women do, But let's do sweet things for each other all the time without being asked. Let's remind each other what it is like to feel totally in love everyday.

You Are What You Eat

The other day someone told me that I was too young to worry about eating healthy. This made me so sad and a little angry at society! It is always important to eat healthy! From day one parents should be feeding their kids healthy food and teaching them healthy habits! It may even be more important to eat healthy when you are young and your body is developing. I think our society is dumb, and lazy when it comes to health. I feel like the choices people make affect them the rest of their life! I believe your diet, exercise and your attitude are the most important aspects in keeping your body healthy way into old age. My generation is domestically restarted! Their idea of homemade is adding an egg to a box mix, or opening a can. My generation goes back and forth from the freezer to the microwave and eats the majority of their meals out. Not even to mention how poorly and rarely they clean. This is sad and I don't like it! Real healthy homemade balanced meals are something we should all know how to make and eat regularly no matter what age. I don't care what people say, the stuff you put into your body will affect it no matter what age. Let's learn how to cook and eat healthy. I appreciate and admire those that do do this! I am looking to you as an example to be more healthy in my own life.

Hello Summer

Hello summer!..not the weather yet (Stupid Colorado) lol. I can't believe you're here! That wonderful time of year! Ice tea, trips, staying in the same outfit days at a time, swimming, Popsicles, picnics, tag, so many lovely things!

The end of the semester wrapped up quite well, I can confirm this when I see my grades. lol. I really enjoy school, I hope I always love it and don't get burnt out! As excited as I am to graduate I am glad I still have two more years. There is really nothing else I'd rather be doing than going to school! I'm sure getting married, getting a real job and all that jazz will be fun, but I am in no rush! I'm still trying to make peace with my education choices, but I keep telling myself I can always go back to school.

Lately I am getting along with someone I recently could not stand and I couldn't be happier about it! I hate being on bad terms, so it was nice to turn that around. Someone I used to think belittled me and judged me I now know respects me and it is very nice considering this person could possible be around a long time.

Also the last few months I have felt real jealousy for the first time. I learned that the littlest bit of doubt crawls into our heads, feeds off our insecurities and grows into paranoia. It does not look good on anyone and makes everyone crazy! I never want to feel it or act that way again.

I am also very proud of how organized I am becoming (still have a long way to go, but have come a long way.) I recently re-oranized all of my scrapbooking stuff and that was a blast and a half! My hobbies always seem to be messy, but I have a better system for putting it away now. I can't believe I have 12 scrapbooks! I'm so young, what am I going to do with them all? lol. But I absolutely love it and plan to catch up this summer.

In 15 days I will be underneath a laser to make my life soo much simpler! I watched a video of it ...bad idea! haha. So I am a little more freaked out, but I know it will be worth it!

I'm really enjoying the book I'm reading and am also excited for the two upcoming on my list.

Basically this blog is a bunch of blah and I'm excited for summer!

We are Meant to Grow

As I sit here quite late with a pounding headache, and legs painfully sore, I must admit I am really loving growing up. I was always afraid of it, but what a wonderful thing it is. I love being able to question, have deep conversations, think, just to be aware of myself is wonderful! Thinking back at just how unaware a young mind is, it's nice to get to a point where you are in control of who you are, how people see you, your attitude on life, and your actions! I love being totally in control of that stuff and holding myself accountable for who I am becoming. I love that my parents are now just people, and that we talk like best friends. I love that now we are on an even playing field and we can learn from each other and truly be there for each other. But most of all, I love creating myself! What an amazing thing! We can constantly make ourselves more knowledgeable, more experienced, just better! I can't imagine having kids at this age. I have so much to learn about myself and about the world. I know I'll never have the world figured out, but I at least want to create me to be the best person I can before I try to teach someone else how to...be. lol. Anyway, growing up is beautiful. I never want to be sad that I am a certain age, because each year is another chance to better yourself, learn, and grow.

For the first time in my life I feel totally in charge of who I am and who I become, and I am honored to have the responsibility!

Traveling Tips!

I can't get my mind off this trip I'm just too excited! Everyone picks up their own traveling tricks, and although I'm sure I have a lot to learn, I have picked up quite a few myself. So for my own benefit, and if I can be of help to any of you, I am going to remind myself of some of them. If you know anymore I would love to hear them!

If you are not interesting in traveling, or aren't anytime soon, you don't have to waste your time reading this. lol

Getting ready:
Head down to your AAA. Here it is important to get a travel debit card, one you know will work in every ATM around the world. Also put someone else's name on it, a friend or family member. This way if you get into any trouble you can call them and ask them to transfer money onto it. Or, god forbid, if you lost it they can often cancel the card a lot easier than you can.

Pick up a outlet converter for where you are going. Make sure you read how many volts it supports as well. Often curling irons and such need something different..it totally fries your iron if you don't have it, like serious it gets sooo hot!

Packing:
If you are one who brings lots home, or just can never pack things as neatly on the way home, then pack your smaller suitcase with your stuff, then put it in your big suitcase. This way on the way home you have plenty of space.

Your trip bag, as I like to call it, the one you will be carrying around:
Really, the fanny pack is wonderful. But if it is against your fashion beliefs like mine, or if you don't want anything to scream tourist more than your camera already does, then that's no good. I would recommend a smaller bag with one strap that sits at your side. A small backpack works well too, but one that is more like a purse, and is good quality. Remember with a backpack when you are in a big crowd, on a bus, or on any public transportation to pull it around to your side or put in on your lap.

In this bag: A water bottle, an extra camera battery, your camera at times, although mine is usually around my wrist, a light jackets, chapstick, sunscreen, maybe a contact case and your glasses if you need that. If a contact fell out, well some of us would be screwed! That's about it.
Never never never keep you passport in this bag! They have small pouches that go under your cloths, one around your waste and one around your neck. The one around my waste I did not like. It annoyed me, was hard to get into and when my shirt came up you could see it. So I would recommend getting one around your neck. Keep your passport and money in here. It's easy to hide, and easy to use by just pulling it out from under your shirt. If you are swimming and leave you stuff on the beach, put your pouch in your shoe, or in your jacket. It is easy for someone to walk by and swipe your bag, but they probably are not going to take your clothing.

Don't bring anything that means a lot to you including jewelry, special outfits, or anything like that. Basically pack so that you won't be stressed the whole time of loosing your stuff, and if it did get lost or stolen it is not the end of the world. Basically my advice is hold on to your passport, money, and camera with everything you have, and don't constantly stress about everything else. Of coarse some countries are worse than others on theft. But if you loose your passport, you are f-ed...seriously.

When you are packing, if you are running out of room, remember things like sunscreen, shampoo, and contact solution will be sold there. It will be a lot more expensive, but sometimes it might be worth it.

Tape lotions, shampoo bottles, and everything in this category shut!!! I bring tape to do it on the way home also! This sucked to learn btw.

Bring zip locks- Strange but they do come in handy. For a wet swimsuit, for that messy stuff like shower stuff and makeup, or if it starts to rain, or you are going on a boat, it is smart to put your camera in one.

Cloths:
Say it with me: Capris! They are wonderful! It is super hot in a lot of these places, but often if you are wearing shorts, or something too revealing they won't let you into places, especially churches. So capris are nice. Knee lengthed skirts I found are really good, but I always have to check the itinerary because I don't want to hike or anything with a skirt on. Plus skirts look wrong with tennis shoes, and that's what you will be wearing a lot of the time. Other than tennis shoes, I would recommend just bringing flip flops. These are good for the beach. If you are comfortable wearing cute shoes, often these are fun for night activities, but I can't wear that kind of stuff, especially if you end up dancing. If you take off you shoes, you have to worry about keeping track of them, or walking back to the hotel without any shoes. So I would say tennis shoes and flip flops. Pack stuff you can wear lots, like jeans. Carry around a light jacket for churches and evenings. Stuff it into the bottom of your bag if you can. The less stuff in your hands the better.

Communication:
Pre-paid phone cards are good, but often there aren't any phones laying around to use. I've had one both big trips I've been on and did not use them once. There will most likely be internet in at least one of your hotel rooms, so you could send a quick email home, but lots of people will be in line. At&t works pretty well in some countries, but don't count on it. Leave that in the hotel room. But mostly don't count on too much communication with home, which is okay because you should not be wasting time on that either. Just one "I got here safe email." maybe one "I'm doing great." But save the details for when you get home.

Camera: Just buy an extra battery. There will be time to charge things, but if your camera dies and you are not at the hotel, it is better to just have a spare. If you do charge anything don't leave it in the hotel room!...This stuff is obviously common sense, but it happens to everyone at one time or another.

My camera is the most important thing to me, but remember to not just see your trip behind a lens. I was taught a very important lesson when my camera broke the second day of a two week trip. If this happens it is not the end of the world, like I thought. Everyone there would be happy to make you a CD of their pictures, and to take pictures of you.

Money: I would recommend taking out as much money as you think you can every time. The fewer amount of times you have to use an ATM, the less you have to waste money on the fee. Always keep American dollars, crisp ones for trading. They are worth a lot in some countries. Also keep them for the end of your trip in the airport. It is harder to keep track of your money when you use your card, sometimes when the store actually accepts it you will be tempted to use it, but that gets more complicated and if they charged you wrong you won't notice until way after you can do anything about it.

Don't keep money in your pockets!

Shopping:
Everybody loves bringing back gifts, but don't let that stress you out. If you are taking time out of seeing things to shop for gifts, then your priorities are wrong. When you are shopping and find something you really like, buy it. If you wait to see if it is cheaper somewhere else you might end up without it. If you find little trinkets that you want but are sold everywhere, then don't but them from stores. Small street vendors, or just random people will be selling them on the street for much cheaper! With them you can barter! Learn how to do that. lol. Also certain cities are cheaper and have the same stuff, so be educated before you go.

Sleep:
Let's face it, you are just not going to get any sleep in another country, there is too much to see, too little sunlight, and too many late nights exploring. So bring vitamins! I like to take vitamin C every morning. With that little of sleep, and the new food your body isn't used to, it's almost inevitable that you will get sick. But with vitamins and lots of water at least you can prolong that until after you get home. Nobody wants to get sick on a trip.

Also, sometimes it is hard to sleep on the travel buses because you want to see things, but take that time! If you just close your eyes on a bus ride for five minutes it helps a ton!

Food:
If you are in a group they do not feed you often, or that much. You will most likely be hungry a lot! If you have to buy your own food in a group or on your own, it is quite expensive in many countries! First of all pack your suitcase with things like energy bars and crackers, everyone will be begging you for them. But also if you can help it, instead of going to a restaurant find a market, or grocery store. Usually hotels will serve you breakfast, sometimes its good, and sometimes it's cereal and slices of cheese, either way take advantage of breakfast! This is the one time of day you can go back for seconds.

New food: If your concerned about what something is, and often there is nobody to tell you, try it, unless there are allergies involved. But ya try it, but I would recommend eating a small amount. Your body is just not used to this kind of food. Nutrition/energy bars come in handy when you are unsure of the food you are served as well.

Also:
Don't ever go off by yourself.

Don't stray from the group.

Don't turn down opportunities because you are tired.

Don't put yourself in a dangerous situation because others are.

If they line up girls in front of you, or a women gives you a message, don't take it.

Learn what is rude and polite in the culture you are traveling to.

Learn these praises in the language:
"Where's the bathroom."
"Thank you."
"What time is it."
(Although other countries are a whole better at speaking English then we are at speaking their languages.)

***Journal Journal Journal!! Even if you only have 5 minutes before you go to bed write down things you did and things you saw. Write down funny things and names of people you meet. It is amazing how quickly this stuff fades. Also when you are showing people pictures this helps you tell a unique and detailed story of each picture. ***


I have a ton more but I am sick of writing! I'm going to do research soon, so I'll let you know what I learn from others.

I apologies if there are any spelling errors, blogs like this are too long to edit. lol