Wondering Away

It was always my dream to go to college. For some reason I had it in my mind that everything was wonderful in that magical place and that is where I belonged. Somewhere somehow I ended up at some commuter college that anyone with a GED could get into. It wasn't that I wasn't smart enough to go to a famous university, it's just my poorness to smartness ratio wasn't in my wallets favor to afford one. Besides I'm white, and let's face it, that's becoming more and more of a disadvantage these days. If any of you ever find a scholarship that reads;

Are you an average white female with good grades and no interest in becoming a nurse or an engineer? Are both your parents living, have normal occupations and are considered middle class but can barely afford the cost of books? Do you have little to no community service and did I mention white? If so here is $5000.00!

...please let me know. But the funny thing about life is I made choices and was given different things because of those. I got to travel which is something I could of never afforded to do without a small tuition. And now it is something I'm absolutely in love with that makes me feel alive. I got to experience a silly teenage romance blossom into a love that might possibly make it to rocking chairs on the porch. This is not the kind of thing that tends to happen when your roommate is sneaking boys into your dorm at night, and at parties you ask yourself if making out is considered cheating. And I got to get to know the family that my dysfunctional hectic childhood never allowed. I thought I wanted to run away from them, but now I know I just wanted to be with them more. I feel lucky that none of us got married young or have kids because it allowed for us to grow closer than most siblings ever get the chance to. Now that I feel like I got some healthy family interaction and I do not have to worry about all of them as much I am ready to go out and explore myself.

The funny thing about all of my thoughts about what college would be like and my questions whether I would of enjoyed college life full time anyway- these don't matter now. Because in a few short months I'm graduating anyway and will hold that very same piece of paper I would be no matter where it came from, and I'm proud. But as stressful as picking a college seemed it was nothing compared to how I feel now trying to pick a life.

When I sit in a quiet place in my mind I am perfectly aware that I need to take things one day at a time and let things unfold, but that scares the hell out of me. It should make me feel better, but maybe I really don't trust, maybe I'm not patient...And more than maybe I don't want to end up like everybody else!! I'm so afraid that if I don't take action I will fall into something I hate, something I dread, something I will regret.

I want it all, but don't exactly know what that looks like- So where do I start?

What do I want to be? There are so many things what if I haven't found it yet? How do I look so I have the possibility of finding it? All I know is I want to know everything there is to know, I want to try everything, see everything and breathe air from every perspective I can find.

I guess for now I'll try to go to that quiet place, while keeping an eye open for every opportunity that might lead me to where I'd like to be.

Life is a never ending journey, then you are dead. So why am I so desperate to get to a place where I can stop and look back on my life, instead of looking forward to it...

A New Again

Another year has come again and it is time to reflect on 2011 and happily plan 2012, the year I graduate college and therefore will naturally be filled with excitement and a touch of anxiety. Any day we can wake up and say "this is the first day of the rest of my life." We must not forget about the numerous chances we get to turn our life around. But New Years is special because it feels like a fresh start. It gives us a tangible place to stop one thing and start another. Somewhere between February and December (Closer to February) we lose our way again and New Years once again appears to give us another year of life and another chance to start living it. The reason this New Years post is coming to you so late is because my New Years was nuts and since I just got settled into my new apartment, my year really starts now.

So lets reflect on my year: Here are my goals from last New Years, a year and 15 days ago.

- Travel to two countries

Two Countries... I traveled to 5! What an amazing year of traveling! I accomplished my little girl dream to study abroad and lived in another country completely immersed in something different, uncomfortable and still beautiful! I breathed Italian culture until there was nothing else to do but adjust. At first I was stagnant and missed home, but by the end of it I had changed and my lungs miss Italy so much. I stood in the coliseum, I drank wine and watched the sun set over the massive Duomo. I rafted, kayaked and zip-lined in the beautiful Costa Rica. I got to visit a dear old friend in Sweden and we traveled to the beautiful almost toy-like city of Prague. In every country I went to I laughed and met such neat people and most importantly, I grew... I'm stronger, more patient, and more appreciative of other cultures and my own.
- Read 26 books

Kevin surprised me with a nook which I am obsessed with so reading will only get easier-and much lighter to move. lol. I did not do a very good jobkeeping track of the books I read this year, and if I don't count text books I'm not sure I quite made it to 26, but here are a few;

Flipped- Adorable

Sarah Dessen- (Specifically The Truth about Forever) From reading the backs of these books I thought I might be a little too old for these, but there is always something to be learned from every book at every age and I enjoyed them very much.

The Hunger games Series; OH MY GOODNESS, the only way I could of read these books any faster is if I literally threw them in a blender and shot them into my vein, and believe me I would of. Once I picked up the first book I was a goner.

Water for Elephants- Really enjoyed and got to watch the movie on my way home from Italy.

I think I read The Help this year, maybe last, but loved it of course. Any story where the lead character is a courageous educated woman that has more in her plans than marriage resonates with me!

- keep getting good grades

As of right now I will be graduating with a 3.98, So I think I accomplished this incredibly vague goal.

-take dance

unfortunately this is something I can't seem to find. But I did fall in love with Yoga and went 3 times a week. Although I still would like to dance this year.
- learn an instrument well

This is on my list every year and I'm afraid it will continue to be. But I did learn 3 songs on the Ukelele this year and wrote two songs on the Piano.
- take a road trip

This May my love and I drove to Chicago and had an amazing experience rain and all, more to that story.
-do something that makes me uncomfortable

For this one I am going to once again say living in Italy was uncomfortable. But also I interviewed for a serious job and I knitted! Maybe it sounds strange that that could be uncomfortable but it didn't come easy to me.

- write a book

Although I continue to write, the task of writing a whole book just hasn't come together yet. Each book idea seems to be missing pieces. Maybe the perfect story hasn't come to me yet, or maybe when I have more time after school is over I can dedicate my whole self to some other ideas.
- Work on my spirituality

Still searching, praying, meditating and trying to be in touch with the universe and my creator.
- Smile everyday

Thanks to Kevin, this is almost possible.

- finish all my scrapbooks

Let's be serious how is this even possible when I do so many cool things...darn!
- Stop being angry-forgive, forget, figure out, understand, move on

One thought at a time...

- Cook more meals

I've been doing so well! I even ate Gluten and Dairy free for three weeks! I love cooking and now that I have the support from my boy and an adorable kitchen again I will only get better.

It was truly an amazing year. Right now I am incredible happy in an adorable apartment with my love. But for the first time the road is not laid out in front of me this next year and I can run any direction I please. I'm scared as hell but I'm trying to remind myself how exciting this is! So here are my goals, dreams, hopes for this upcoming year.

-Continue to work out and train for the Camino- I just signed up for an athletic club down the street and am very excited to try more yoga classes and keep running. Last year I got to where I was running a mile and a half, it sounds pathetic, it is, but I was proud. But this year I would like to be able to run three miles.

- Walk the Camino- If you don't know what this is google it. Not much of a reader? Watch The Way. I'm not sure if I'll be able to work it into this year or next. But I want my life to be more meaningful and I want to push myself. This would be an amazing challenge and something that would make my feet burn and my body uncomfortable, and something I could be proud of- hopefully enlightening.

- Once again I'd like to make it to at least 2 countries. I recognize traveling will only get harder to do and to afford but I have to make it happen. "Someday" has never been a word in my vocabulary and I know I will continue to find a way to make it happen. I'd really like to do a volunteer program.

- Graduate- obviously

-Take the GRE

-Figure out what I want to do (for right now) and if that includes Grad-school get into a great one in another state.

- Go out more- I've focused on school and it has paid off, but it's time to have fun and say yes to a crazy night.

- Cook even more!

- Read 26 books and keep track!

- Keep writing! Maybe this isn't my year to write a whole novel either, but I'm sure gonna try.

- Keep playing- any instrument, all instruments.

- Knit well enough to make things. Maybe a simple scarf or something with a round needle.

- Scrapbook my childhood and give myself the baby book I never had.

- Buy a sewing machine.

- Get my life organized.

- Learn to trust there is a bigger picture unfolding in front of me and my life will be beautiful.

- Master Swat on Halo.

- Do more volunteering locally.

- Meet with friends more often.

-Be open to making more friends.

-Be a better listener.

- Go on more hikes and do more things in Colorado in general.

- Go to another state.

Here's to another beautiful year of life living, loving, learning and laughing!