B-E-A-utiful Day

It has been a beautiful day, I should know for I am now a credible source, I could see for the first time today! I talked my way into some fabulous baseball seats after hundreds before me had been turned away with a sold out excuse. I had so much fun at the game, defiantly wasn't there to watch baseball, I mean who actually is, don't answer that probably lots of people. But seriously, all I'm saying is that if Gladiators still fought lions there would be no need for baseball.

New thought: I always thought you wanted to date someone that you liked yourself with, but now I'm realizing that's not true. You want to know and like yourself before you date someone at all. When we identify and create ourselves based on someone else, it is no wonder we are broken and lost when they are gone.

Also don't you hate when you are not sure if you made the right choice? I mean if you knew you made the right choose, or knew you did not, you could change it, but when you are not sure you have no idea how to proceed.

Mee Eyes!

Me on drugs after surgery...My awesome goggles...All my drugs!!

Not supposed to be on the computer yet, and there is a pretty little orange Valium waiting for me, so I'll make this quick. But basically PRK surgery was the weirdest thing ever! I'm so amazed at what they can do nowadays! It felt like I as in a kaleidoscope kinda with pretty lights. I was so drugged up it was hilarious! I was giggling like crazy the whole time and all the nurses were laughing at me. I've never slept so much as I have these last couple of days and I've had close to a hundred eye drops! lol. It's nuts and it's only just beggining. My recovery is fast and they say since I'm young I'm already more than half way done. Don't get me wrong, it's painful as heck. It feels like eyelashes or dried up contacts are in my eyes constantly, they itch and burn, and the drugs kinda make me nauseous and itchy everywhere....annoying, but it is really going well. I'm soo lucky to have such a good support system. There's no way I would be doing so well without them. I could never get these eyedrops in myself, which would be bad because the medicine in them was like 80 bucks and not even a drop can be wasted!....Crazy! Anyway I am doing good, my vision is already 20/25, when I can open my eyes, and I am just so thankful that I could afford this, and that everything went smoothly, that's the skinny and I hope it sufficed as I am on drugs now. lol

FroYo in Colo

Has had such a fun summer day! I really wish we could get paid for something other then work because life is so much more fun when my boy doesn't have to go.

I have to share this new amazing discovery with the world!!..or at least my few readers..it's a start. So there is this place in California called Golden Spoon, it's a little piece of heaven. I was sad because no place is obsessed with frozen yogurt as much as those crazy southern Californians, so when I found a place TEN times more AwESoMe right here in Colorado, I could hardly contain myself. It is called A Cherry On Top and it is in Cherry Creek mall...hmm, appropriate. If you are looking for a wonderful taste experience..and a stomach ache, then definitely go try it!!

I also have some other really fun places to tell you about, but one thing at a time is probably best.

Anyway now to go eat pizza, watch movies, and enjoy the hot tub. I love love love living with my boyfriend..It's so much fun!

"Beam me up, Scotty!"

It's not always easy to keep our minds out of the dark places. We all have a dark corner in our mind, and most of the time we manage to stay out of it. But when we start to wander back there for one reason or another we are overcome with darkness and all the boxes of storage come crashing down on us. For me there are two sides of me that live in alternate realities. As long as I can keep them separate one can control the other, but when they meet and merge into one, well I am in trouble. That is when the sky is swallowed by blackness, and only an outside source can fish me out with strong enough bait, and fishing line made of metal chains.

I'm pretty happy, and I find myself going back there less and less, but you know what's weird? When you are there, you like it there. You like being overtaken by an emotion so strong and feeling everything, anger, sadness, pity, depression, not hiding any of it or being so afraid you suppress it. Strong emotions, good or bad, cause the same reaction to occur in the body, and we, as people, love to feel. We love these strong emotions that rarely occur in real life. Maybe that's why we can't pull ourselves out.

I'm glad I have someone to pull me out, because when people don't, that's when they don't come back. This also made me realize I can't count on someone else being there. I need to be stronger, I need to never go there, I need to find a way to remove that corner from my mind entirely..but if I did I could not come suck a little bit of it out at times to create art. Then I thought of Monsters Inc. how laughs ended up being stronger than screams. If I could capture the magnitude of that emotion with happiness instead of depression, then maybe I could totally remove the darkness and in its' place have light. That way I could stay in control, and have motivation to be l'artiste.

On another note I saw a bee the other day. Amazing how many kids, well even people are afraid of them. The bee made me realize how amazing God is. When a bee stings you it dies. It doesn't want to hurt anyone, and I wonder if it knows the consequence. It is hurting someone and is making a suicide mission at the same time. Seems like a lose/lose to me. what if people were like that? I mean depending on your ability to empathize it does hurt you when you hurt someone else, it hurts everyone to an extent, with the exception of the sociopaths I guess. But what if we really physically died when we hurt someone? Maybe we should all live like we would... Today I learned a lot from Mrs. honeybee.

Un-Integrating

There's this boy, sure he likes video games, sports trivia, and cult classics, but I love him! I've got my ice cream and my cell phone's buzzin like crazy for the first time in awhile, this of coarse means one thing: I have been left alone this weekend. The boy has gone on a guy's weekend, and for once I decided to identify myself with the female species and stay behind. Ugh It was hard, being a girl sucks sometimes..sure you get free stuff and you don't have to carry your own books, but it's not worth it at all.

After the first, I don't know hour, of missing him like crazy I decided I should really take this time to get in touch with my girlfriends. When you are lucky enough to have your significant other be your best friend, you forget other people are on the planet. This is probably not healthy, about as healthy as only eating one food group. So as hard as it was allowing myself to get ditched this weekend, it reminded me it is important to have girl time. All I needed was him for so long, but him realizing he needs other friends made me realize I need mine, or maybe I'm just bitter because I was perfectly happy ignoring all my friend's phone calls for these past two years. I don't know, but as much as it hurts to know that the more we spend time with friends the less we'll spend together, it is important. I'm too young to give up my whole life for someone else. I need to live and find myself independently of him. I've already given up a lot, and that is how people turn out resentful and I never want that to happen.

So today I hung out by the pool with a lovely girlfriend of mine and enjoyed my summer with girl talk and sunshine. And I have fun plans the rest of the weekend as well.

So to wrap it up, I think for two people to remain individuals in their relationship is important. We have been integrated for so long, it's about time we become our own people again.

P.S. I love the summer! Lasik is less than a week away!

I'm Such A Buzz Kill

Tonight I am disappointed with the world and I'm sorry. lol.

There are many times in my life when I ask myself "Why do I care so much!?" I really wish I didn't. I want to make the world a better place so bad but no one seems to think there are problems where I see them. I should seriously stop caring and join the freaking world. But I really can't stand watching people poison their body, their minds, and watching them poison this earth. It's so dumb, believe me I know, but I wish people would stop drinking pop, stop eating terribly, drinking alcohol, stop littering, stop watching so much T.V. just would care more about themselves and the world around them. I feel like if they don't care about their bodies or respect themselves then why should I..but I freaking do! Goodness I see Pot places popping up more often then Starbucks and it makes me so sad. A part of me wishes alcohol and drugs did not exist at all. I am fine with the drinking age and would be fine if it was even older. But another part of me thinks it's a free country and it only makes since for that stuff to be legal. It really is more true to the American ideals to be legal. I just feel like there is so much fun to be had without that stuff, and they are not solving in problems, if anything they create many more!

Anyway I guess I'm sad. I wish people were stronger, more creative on their own without drugs, and respected their bodies more. I want to be good and healthy so bad, why don't other people?

"Insert Title Here"

Today was a beautiful day!

Sorry I have not posted in awhile, it's not that I haven't been writing, because that's what I do, but I haven't been publishing. I am quite honest with my readers, more honest than I want to be, so by no means am I hiding things from you. The reason you are not allowed to read them is because I'm not sure if the ideas I've been writing have come together quite yet to be in harmony with who I am. I am still crafting and shaping them and do not understand them yet, and how could I possible expect my readers to understand these same thoughts that currently perplex me.

Funny thing- understanding. I think communication is just such an amazing thing! Expressing your thoughts, and doing it accurately (meaning others' perceive it the way you meant it). People do not realize their control in a conversation, how important it is to use language and not let it use you, to take things out of the rhelm of theory and bring in a broader audience. I say this because I see when I am misunderstood, and I do not like it. It is not because I care too much of what others' think, but because I really do want to define myself on my own terms, and to be understood correctly. Communication is an amazing and a truly powerful tool, it is what makes thoughts possible, it is what stirs curiosity and brings peace to the unknown. With communication being so powerful, I believe miscommunication is the biggest problem we have. With these ideas that I hope you understand, if you didn't...Oh the Irony involved, I challenge you to let the world see you and know you on your terms. Realize the power and ambiguity in language, and play with it. Know that your word choice, the order you list words in, and the way you talk about things will all lead to how the world sees you, and when you look at it, is that how you want to be seen?


Next I've been waiting for my story to come, my talent, whatever it is. I really think the universe, god, something bigger will give it to me. But for now the stories and ideas I am given are incomplete. Do I have to keep poking and asking for this perfect story? Do I have to be patient and wait? I feel when I get the idea it will flow through me with ease and have a cathartic effect. But maybe I have to fill in the pieces myself, maybe I have to go get the pieces. Either way I am ready to create what I am meant to in this life. I am ready to have a story that teaches me things, that gets others to question and think..Most of all I'm ready for people to find my book amongst Oscar Wilde and Nathanael West in Borders (By no means am I comparing myself to them, and know I will never be anything close to a great, but these are the W names that came to my mind, lol). I'm young, but I hope it comes soon. It's more than possible I am not ready yet, for one often does not realize how to be ready for the unknown, but I am definitely ready to begin my journey towards finding a story worth writing/reading.

Very excited to write about Book #8, but feel I must refrain until I have discussed it with some people first.

Hope everyone is enjoying the beautiful weather!

Only You

How come men can just be painfully unromantic sometimes? It's like failing a test you already have the answers to. They watch the movies with the men saying exactly what we want to hear, is that so difficult to pick up on? I'm sure they call it cheesy and dismiss it, but cheesiness, when sincere, is exactly what we want. Men always seem to think women are so difficult, and we're really not. I argue they are just super unaware of the situation. Don't listen to the words we are saying, that should be easy enough. The hard part is learning the language of the nonverbal. Everyone should be a nonverbal linguist, it would help in every situation with reading men and women, boss's and friends. Anyway, I know movies totally screw up romance, but movies screw up everything in reality. It is not the media that reflects reality, it is reality that often mirrors the media. So make that romance reality. Not the drama, let's have roadblocks, and break up and get back together constantly. I mean saying cute things, leaving notes, and flowers and such. And I mean romance goes both ways. Girls should do equally cute things for their men. Kindness should be universal. My point is I'm not settling for a life without romance and passion, yes the media screws it up, but lets make it real. I know I am lucky and have a lot more romance then most women do, But let's do sweet things for each other all the time without being asked. Let's remind each other what it is like to feel totally in love everyday.

You Are What You Eat

The other day someone told me that I was too young to worry about eating healthy. This made me so sad and a little angry at society! It is always important to eat healthy! From day one parents should be feeding their kids healthy food and teaching them healthy habits! It may even be more important to eat healthy when you are young and your body is developing. I think our society is dumb, and lazy when it comes to health. I feel like the choices people make affect them the rest of their life! I believe your diet, exercise and your attitude are the most important aspects in keeping your body healthy way into old age. My generation is domestically restarted! Their idea of homemade is adding an egg to a box mix, or opening a can. My generation goes back and forth from the freezer to the microwave and eats the majority of their meals out. Not even to mention how poorly and rarely they clean. This is sad and I don't like it! Real healthy homemade balanced meals are something we should all know how to make and eat regularly no matter what age. I don't care what people say, the stuff you put into your body will affect it no matter what age. Let's learn how to cook and eat healthy. I appreciate and admire those that do do this! I am looking to you as an example to be more healthy in my own life.

Hello Summer

Hello summer!..not the weather yet (Stupid Colorado) lol. I can't believe you're here! That wonderful time of year! Ice tea, trips, staying in the same outfit days at a time, swimming, Popsicles, picnics, tag, so many lovely things!

The end of the semester wrapped up quite well, I can confirm this when I see my grades. lol. I really enjoy school, I hope I always love it and don't get burnt out! As excited as I am to graduate I am glad I still have two more years. There is really nothing else I'd rather be doing than going to school! I'm sure getting married, getting a real job and all that jazz will be fun, but I am in no rush! I'm still trying to make peace with my education choices, but I keep telling myself I can always go back to school.

Lately I am getting along with someone I recently could not stand and I couldn't be happier about it! I hate being on bad terms, so it was nice to turn that around. Someone I used to think belittled me and judged me I now know respects me and it is very nice considering this person could possible be around a long time.

Also the last few months I have felt real jealousy for the first time. I learned that the littlest bit of doubt crawls into our heads, feeds off our insecurities and grows into paranoia. It does not look good on anyone and makes everyone crazy! I never want to feel it or act that way again.

I am also very proud of how organized I am becoming (still have a long way to go, but have come a long way.) I recently re-oranized all of my scrapbooking stuff and that was a blast and a half! My hobbies always seem to be messy, but I have a better system for putting it away now. I can't believe I have 12 scrapbooks! I'm so young, what am I going to do with them all? lol. But I absolutely love it and plan to catch up this summer.

In 15 days I will be underneath a laser to make my life soo much simpler! I watched a video of it ...bad idea! haha. So I am a little more freaked out, but I know it will be worth it!

I'm really enjoying the book I'm reading and am also excited for the two upcoming on my list.

Basically this blog is a bunch of blah and I'm excited for summer!

We are Meant to Grow

As I sit here quite late with a pounding headache, and legs painfully sore, I must admit I am really loving growing up. I was always afraid of it, but what a wonderful thing it is. I love being able to question, have deep conversations, think, just to be aware of myself is wonderful! Thinking back at just how unaware a young mind is, it's nice to get to a point where you are in control of who you are, how people see you, your attitude on life, and your actions! I love being totally in control of that stuff and holding myself accountable for who I am becoming. I love that my parents are now just people, and that we talk like best friends. I love that now we are on an even playing field and we can learn from each other and truly be there for each other. But most of all, I love creating myself! What an amazing thing! We can constantly make ourselves more knowledgeable, more experienced, just better! I can't imagine having kids at this age. I have so much to learn about myself and about the world. I know I'll never have the world figured out, but I at least want to create me to be the best person I can before I try to teach someone else how to...be. lol. Anyway, growing up is beautiful. I never want to be sad that I am a certain age, because each year is another chance to better yourself, learn, and grow.

For the first time in my life I feel totally in charge of who I am and who I become, and I am honored to have the responsibility!

Traveling Tips!

I can't get my mind off this trip I'm just too excited! Everyone picks up their own traveling tricks, and although I'm sure I have a lot to learn, I have picked up quite a few myself. So for my own benefit, and if I can be of help to any of you, I am going to remind myself of some of them. If you know anymore I would love to hear them!

If you are not interesting in traveling, or aren't anytime soon, you don't have to waste your time reading this. lol

Getting ready:
Head down to your AAA. Here it is important to get a travel debit card, one you know will work in every ATM around the world. Also put someone else's name on it, a friend or family member. This way if you get into any trouble you can call them and ask them to transfer money onto it. Or, god forbid, if you lost it they can often cancel the card a lot easier than you can.

Pick up a outlet converter for where you are going. Make sure you read how many volts it supports as well. Often curling irons and such need something different..it totally fries your iron if you don't have it, like serious it gets sooo hot!

Packing:
If you are one who brings lots home, or just can never pack things as neatly on the way home, then pack your smaller suitcase with your stuff, then put it in your big suitcase. This way on the way home you have plenty of space.

Your trip bag, as I like to call it, the one you will be carrying around:
Really, the fanny pack is wonderful. But if it is against your fashion beliefs like mine, or if you don't want anything to scream tourist more than your camera already does, then that's no good. I would recommend a smaller bag with one strap that sits at your side. A small backpack works well too, but one that is more like a purse, and is good quality. Remember with a backpack when you are in a big crowd, on a bus, or on any public transportation to pull it around to your side or put in on your lap.

In this bag: A water bottle, an extra camera battery, your camera at times, although mine is usually around my wrist, a light jackets, chapstick, sunscreen, maybe a contact case and your glasses if you need that. If a contact fell out, well some of us would be screwed! That's about it.
Never never never keep you passport in this bag! They have small pouches that go under your cloths, one around your waste and one around your neck. The one around my waste I did not like. It annoyed me, was hard to get into and when my shirt came up you could see it. So I would recommend getting one around your neck. Keep your passport and money in here. It's easy to hide, and easy to use by just pulling it out from under your shirt. If you are swimming and leave you stuff on the beach, put your pouch in your shoe, or in your jacket. It is easy for someone to walk by and swipe your bag, but they probably are not going to take your clothing.

Don't bring anything that means a lot to you including jewelry, special outfits, or anything like that. Basically pack so that you won't be stressed the whole time of loosing your stuff, and if it did get lost or stolen it is not the end of the world. Basically my advice is hold on to your passport, money, and camera with everything you have, and don't constantly stress about everything else. Of coarse some countries are worse than others on theft. But if you loose your passport, you are f-ed...seriously.

When you are packing, if you are running out of room, remember things like sunscreen, shampoo, and contact solution will be sold there. It will be a lot more expensive, but sometimes it might be worth it.

Tape lotions, shampoo bottles, and everything in this category shut!!! I bring tape to do it on the way home also! This sucked to learn btw.

Bring zip locks- Strange but they do come in handy. For a wet swimsuit, for that messy stuff like shower stuff and makeup, or if it starts to rain, or you are going on a boat, it is smart to put your camera in one.

Cloths:
Say it with me: Capris! They are wonderful! It is super hot in a lot of these places, but often if you are wearing shorts, or something too revealing they won't let you into places, especially churches. So capris are nice. Knee lengthed skirts I found are really good, but I always have to check the itinerary because I don't want to hike or anything with a skirt on. Plus skirts look wrong with tennis shoes, and that's what you will be wearing a lot of the time. Other than tennis shoes, I would recommend just bringing flip flops. These are good for the beach. If you are comfortable wearing cute shoes, often these are fun for night activities, but I can't wear that kind of stuff, especially if you end up dancing. If you take off you shoes, you have to worry about keeping track of them, or walking back to the hotel without any shoes. So I would say tennis shoes and flip flops. Pack stuff you can wear lots, like jeans. Carry around a light jacket for churches and evenings. Stuff it into the bottom of your bag if you can. The less stuff in your hands the better.

Communication:
Pre-paid phone cards are good, but often there aren't any phones laying around to use. I've had one both big trips I've been on and did not use them once. There will most likely be internet in at least one of your hotel rooms, so you could send a quick email home, but lots of people will be in line. At&t works pretty well in some countries, but don't count on it. Leave that in the hotel room. But mostly don't count on too much communication with home, which is okay because you should not be wasting time on that either. Just one "I got here safe email." maybe one "I'm doing great." But save the details for when you get home.

Camera: Just buy an extra battery. There will be time to charge things, but if your camera dies and you are not at the hotel, it is better to just have a spare. If you do charge anything don't leave it in the hotel room!...This stuff is obviously common sense, but it happens to everyone at one time or another.

My camera is the most important thing to me, but remember to not just see your trip behind a lens. I was taught a very important lesson when my camera broke the second day of a two week trip. If this happens it is not the end of the world, like I thought. Everyone there would be happy to make you a CD of their pictures, and to take pictures of you.

Money: I would recommend taking out as much money as you think you can every time. The fewer amount of times you have to use an ATM, the less you have to waste money on the fee. Always keep American dollars, crisp ones for trading. They are worth a lot in some countries. Also keep them for the end of your trip in the airport. It is harder to keep track of your money when you use your card, sometimes when the store actually accepts it you will be tempted to use it, but that gets more complicated and if they charged you wrong you won't notice until way after you can do anything about it.

Don't keep money in your pockets!

Shopping:
Everybody loves bringing back gifts, but don't let that stress you out. If you are taking time out of seeing things to shop for gifts, then your priorities are wrong. When you are shopping and find something you really like, buy it. If you wait to see if it is cheaper somewhere else you might end up without it. If you find little trinkets that you want but are sold everywhere, then don't but them from stores. Small street vendors, or just random people will be selling them on the street for much cheaper! With them you can barter! Learn how to do that. lol. Also certain cities are cheaper and have the same stuff, so be educated before you go.

Sleep:
Let's face it, you are just not going to get any sleep in another country, there is too much to see, too little sunlight, and too many late nights exploring. So bring vitamins! I like to take vitamin C every morning. With that little of sleep, and the new food your body isn't used to, it's almost inevitable that you will get sick. But with vitamins and lots of water at least you can prolong that until after you get home. Nobody wants to get sick on a trip.

Also, sometimes it is hard to sleep on the travel buses because you want to see things, but take that time! If you just close your eyes on a bus ride for five minutes it helps a ton!

Food:
If you are in a group they do not feed you often, or that much. You will most likely be hungry a lot! If you have to buy your own food in a group or on your own, it is quite expensive in many countries! First of all pack your suitcase with things like energy bars and crackers, everyone will be begging you for them. But also if you can help it, instead of going to a restaurant find a market, or grocery store. Usually hotels will serve you breakfast, sometimes its good, and sometimes it's cereal and slices of cheese, either way take advantage of breakfast! This is the one time of day you can go back for seconds.

New food: If your concerned about what something is, and often there is nobody to tell you, try it, unless there are allergies involved. But ya try it, but I would recommend eating a small amount. Your body is just not used to this kind of food. Nutrition/energy bars come in handy when you are unsure of the food you are served as well.

Also:
Don't ever go off by yourself.

Don't stray from the group.

Don't turn down opportunities because you are tired.

Don't put yourself in a dangerous situation because others are.

If they line up girls in front of you, or a women gives you a message, don't take it.

Learn what is rude and polite in the culture you are traveling to.

Learn these praises in the language:
"Where's the bathroom."
"Thank you."
"What time is it."
(Although other countries are a whole better at speaking English then we are at speaking their languages.)

***Journal Journal Journal!! Even if you only have 5 minutes before you go to bed write down things you did and things you saw. Write down funny things and names of people you meet. It is amazing how quickly this stuff fades. Also when you are showing people pictures this helps you tell a unique and detailed story of each picture. ***


I have a ton more but I am sick of writing! I'm going to do research soon, so I'll let you know what I learn from others.

I apologies if there are any spelling errors, blogs like this are too long to edit. lol

I can Taste Summer!

I am two finals away from quite possible the best summer I've ever had!...Although I have been blessed with a lot of great summers! lol. I am officially leaving the country, I know!! I can't believe it either! I'm going to have to work lots this summer, but it is totally worth it! So anyway I am like ecstatic! It's a good thing I didn't plan this earlier, I don't know how I would of focused on school! Other than that I have camping with my family, which is something I always look forward to. This year my brother will be able to join as well which is awesome! Also I will be able to see..such a gift! And since I have my own place it will be easier to hang out with friends! Could I be any luckier right now! I am also planning lots of hiking trips and am looking forward to reading! I was reading a hilarious book, but I had to put that on hold to start reading a book my aunt recommended. I absolutely love this new book and am trying to catch up to her! So although being partway through more than one book drives me nuts, I am. lol. So anyway right now I have lots to look forward to, and have a lot of hard work ahead of me acing my finals and being able to afford these things!

Nobody Have any Fun for 6 More Days!

The pink trees have been absolutely gorgeous this spring. I am just in love with them. They are fading fast and it is starting to really feel like summer. I can't wait to break out my summer clothes, although sometimes I am colder in the summer. Note to stores: When you blast the air conditioning it is nice the first minute someone steps inside, but after that it is freezing! Lol.

Goodness gracious! Everyone is just having a blast outside, I have to close my blinds so they stop teasing me! Having fun and being carefree are one paper and two finals away, but for now I am forced to stare at this computer screen and find a tiny bit more motivation to pull 2 more pages of BS out of the air to make my paper a grand total of 12 pages. Ugh.

Lately I feel like a bit of a shape shifter. Whenever I hear someone else's major, I doubt my own, when I hear where they are going to school, I wonder if I would like it there. When I look at the way they dress, I wonder if I could pull it off, or if I even have a style of my own. I just want to be everything, and be me at the same time. I'm not sure who I am and I do not fit into a box. I don't have one style, one hobby, or one talent, and I wish I did. I don't know, but basically I am insecure and uncertain who I truly am. I wish I was just an athlete, a nerd, a geek, a rebel..you know the rest, why don't I fit into one of these labels? It would be so much easier to be me if I did! If I do not have something to compare myself to, how do I know if I'm being true to myself? So how do I find what I truly like and who I really am. Solitude? A journey? Confidence? Help! I want to be confident in my decisions and know they are right for me without always wondering if I should be acting like or choosing something else.

That's my Blog!

My blog, My Friend
(A Silly little poem) By: Carrie Winters

When your friends are tired of hearing all about your guy
When you can't tell them the truth because it's easier to lie
When they don't quite understand your views on life
When they're sick of getting calls in the middle of the night
When your just sick of putting on a façade
Well those are the times I'm glad I have my blog.

Will I ever be a Carefree Soul?

I've never really complained about my life. I know everybody goes through things, everybody has a hard life and their own problems. I've always felt I did not have a right to complain or say anything because so many people have it so much harder than me. But I'm starting to realize what I went through was not normal, and most of all it was not right. Much of my childhood was sick and unhealthy, and you know what? I'm not okay. It hurts to remember.

I wonder if I'll ever be okay, the damage is done. Will I be able to be a normal wife? Will I be able to be a good mother? Can I hide all the shit I went through from my children? I would rather not have kids than have them feel an ounce of what I went through. I'm realizing it's okay to know I've had it hard. I don't have to feel guilty for not always being able to hide it, and for hurting from it. It's okay to not always act strong. I used to think it was my fault, and I deserved it, but I realize that I did nothing to deserve it, and had no control over anything that happened. It's hard not having anyone to talk to about these things, but maybe if I let myself feel the pain, really feel it for once instead of pushing it down, well maybe I can let it go for good this time...

"What Big Eyes You Have!"

Hello! Another beautiful day! Summer is not even two weeks away!
Some very excited stuff to talk about.

1) My whole life I have been told "What big brown eyes you have." Well I wish I could say "The better to see you with my dear." But the truth is I see (or don't see) 20/400. I am so sick of the headache it is to not see. Of waking up in the morning and feeling around until my fingers clasp around my glasses. Of going camping and sticking my dirty sandy finger into my eye for my contacts. Of trying to swim with contacts in! So I saw about lasik the other day! Learned all kinds of crazy things! I learned about Rk, PRK, Lasik, and all about how they have improved it. Apparently they used to make the flap in your eye by hand with a blade..yuck! Now they have a laser that injects bubbles into your eye separating the layers of tissue. I also found out as of now I am a candidate of PRK an not lasik because of my astigmatism. Anyway I can tell you all about it now! I feel pretty confident about the procedure. Although I'm willing to pay the price because I think it would be worth it, I am praying that my insurance will cover a percent of it!! So that's that. If I can can swing the price, I will be seeing 20/20 (At the least 20/30) in no time!!

2) Next I have very exciting news! I got a lot of grant money this semester for my grades shweeet!

3) Also I learned something. Since middle school all I wanted to do was run away from my life because of how unhappy I was. I wanted to go out of state for school and study abroad and not come back for a long time. But for the first time in my life I am so much happier. I'm on my own, my family is in a much better place, I'm enjoying college so much more than high school. Now that I feel that way I'm realizing study abroad may not be the best option. I still want to travel of coarse, but now I want to do it in the summers and for shorter amounts of time. Now I am traveling to see what I can find there, not because I am running away from what is here, and I think that is a much better reason!

So on that note I found tons of cool programs and destinations, some offer credits, some don't, but they are all amazing and something I am definitely gonna do..plus they are soo much more affordable!

The two I am thinking about right now
1) Greece-The exploration of all the Greek isles
2) Costa Rica- 50 volunteer hours, a zip line, and counts for some international studies credits which are sooo boring in a class!

4) Anyway, as far as school goes I've been having the wrong approach. I've been adding on majors and minors constantly thinking it would solve my "lost" problem. Now I realize that's dumb. I think I am going to stick with one major and one minor, graduate quickly and on time! Then I can always go back or go forward to graduate school. School is already overwhelming, and for people who fill their plate too much, or who constantly change their major, graduating gets more and more complicated! I don't want to do that.

Now off to write some last papers, and study for Finals.

I am almost a college junior!! So exciting!