CHANGE: get used to it

We always seem to think that one day we will fall in love and that's it! The screen will flash black and "happily ever after" will be scribbled across it in pretty cursive and we will live our life forever in that state. But the funny thing about relationships is they are constantly in a dialectical flux. They are constantly changing and cannot be determined or finalized...ever! In fact everything in life is always changing.

Lately you could say I'm experiencing all the dialectical tensions in the book. I have learned all about relationships and could give you tons of theories to capture all of the aspects and complexities, and although I understand them even better now that I'm going through them, they aren't really helping me. Maybe just being able to define the problem quicker will put me ahead, but the answer is still no where to be found.

I am feeling things I have never felt before and cannot explain or control them. It's super frustrating. It has been said multiple times that the artist must give himself over to his emotions and work if he is to ever make something great. Well I don't want to turn my disconsolation into artwork, I don't want to sacrifice my life and happiness to make great works. So why am I still totally controlled by my emotions? Why do they effect everything I am and do? But most importantly why are they there and how do I get rid of these particular ones? Especially if I don't understand them.

Basically I'm starting to see how much a relationship changes constantly, and when I feel I have a grasp on mine, well something new is thrown into the mix. It's making more and more sense why the majority of relationships don't make it. So I don't understand the new things I have to go through, and I can't anticipate what will come tomorrow, but I know love is what will get me through a lifetime of changes within myself and my relationship, and I have plenty of that.

So although we wish we could stay in our head-over-heels-honeymoon phase forever it quickly ends, as do all the phases after that. Life doesn't work that way, and at the risk of beating a dead horse, the only thing that is constant is change. But in the end would we truly want things to stay the same? That would just be boring and take a lot of the fun out of everything. Oh the stability vs. change dialectic, the paradox that will forever leave us tossing and turning.

A Heap in Woolf's Clothing

Please read/follow my second blog if you have time. Thanks! http://discovertheadventure.blogspot.com/2010/09/oh-fall.html

I am really enjoying reading old works of literature and learning about amazing women writers, some with such tortured souls.

Book #16: My Antonia by Willa Cather: Maybe I'll write about this later. lol

Book #17: A Room of One's Own by Virgina Woolf

As I read this new seeds of thought were constantly being planted in my head and they grew into ideas that challenged and excited me. There are many things I would like to write about but one that I can't seem to stop thinking about is anger's place in literature, in writing. Woolf seems to take the stance that anger negatively affects a work. That it makes women, people in general “...write in a rage where she should write calmly. She will write foolishly where she should write wisely. She will write of herself where she should write of her characters” (Woolf, 70). I'm struggling with how I feel about this. There are many reasons to write; to inform, to persuade, for self indulgence, but I feel like nobody writes unless they are a little restless in their own lives. It is when someone is suffering, or confused, or seeking change that they are driven to write. This makes me feel like writing is driven by passion. It makes me feel like it is when someone is angry and puts themselves in their writing that good writing gets down on paper because they are motivated. Then I truly thought of the craft of writing, how if you do want social reform, or to get people thinking, you cannot shove it in their face because the rebellious human nature will make sure they do not digest it. Writing needs to be done in a way that is strategic and clever, that circles around the idea so the reader can stumble across it themselves. This is how anger can ruin writing. It gets in the way of a person's ability to plan, and choose their words carefully. But I am still not sure if taking yourself out of a work of writing is a good idea. I am not convinced it can be done at all, but once again I ask, “Why write if not to express yourself? Why write if not for a healthy outlet to release your anger and to direct your passion?” I write because I am restless, because I am angry and passionate, if I did not poses these things, maybe my writing would be better, but I fear I would have no motivation to write, and nothing interesting to write about.

In A Moment Everything Can Change

Life is so silly, right when I'm at my lowest self-esteem God decides to give me a little perspective. Well he doesn't so much give it to me as hit me over the head with it. It literally took a baseball smashing into my nose for me to get it. For me to understand how lucky and blessed I am and how much worse it could be...I look ridiculous right now by the way. This pain is a constant reminder how precious life is, how delicate we are. Life happens and in a moment everything can change and your life can be turned upside down. We should be thankful every moment, love fully, and try to never hold on to negative feelings, or leave a relationship poorly, or at least what we have control over. Sometimes we forget we are not invincible, but it wouldn't take much to wipe us right off this earth, and right out of so many people's lives. Be thankful for what you have, you could always have less, you could always go lower and God is not afraid to remind you of that. Well thanks God, I hear you loud and clear...but please please return me to my natural face.
Love, Carrie

If You Can Look Up, You Can Stand Up.

Low esteem usually starts with the outside world, but it thrives within you. When you start to recognize and remind yourself of your flaws it is a slippery slope to the bottom where you completely internalize everything and really start believing it. Not liking yourself is a dangerous place to be and a hard place to get out of, mainly because it is up to you, the person who believes you are not worth saving, to get you out. No one else can do it, and they shouldn't have to.

I don't know how I got into this state, but all that matters is how I get out of it. In order to find my strengths, I believe I need to identify where I'm weakest, then set goals.

Body/ Physical Appearance: Make a firm work out schedule and stick to it. Eat balanced meals and learn about health and vitamins.

Mind/career goals: Keep reading. Read more. Stop thinking about the future. Take more classes out of my element that challenge me so I can actually be proud of my good grades. Stop doubting what I'm doing and where it's going to take me. Get a job I enjoy. Get an internship.

Spirit/Beliefs: Go to a church on Sundays. Get involved with a college bible study. Read more philosophy on my own. Drink three cups of tea a day and have that be my peaceful reflective time.

Social life/ Interests: Take up a new hobby and take classes in it; Dance, Music, Art. Make health a hobby. Learn more about my existing hobbies. Try and find a youth group I feel comfortable in. Reach out to others. Make lunch dates with old friends. Make more travel plans.

Most importantly take a deep breath everyday and enjoy how beautiful life is. And be thankful that I am healthy, safe, and alive.