A New Again

Another year has come again and it is time to reflect on 2011 and happily plan 2012, the year I graduate college and therefore will naturally be filled with excitement and a touch of anxiety. Any day we can wake up and say "this is the first day of the rest of my life." We must not forget about the numerous chances we get to turn our life around. But New Years is special because it feels like a fresh start. It gives us a tangible place to stop one thing and start another. Somewhere between February and December (Closer to February) we lose our way again and New Years once again appears to give us another year of life and another chance to start living it. The reason this New Years post is coming to you so late is because my New Years was nuts and since I just got settled into my new apartment, my year really starts now.

So lets reflect on my year: Here are my goals from last New Years, a year and 15 days ago.

- Travel to two countries

Two Countries... I traveled to 5! What an amazing year of traveling! I accomplished my little girl dream to study abroad and lived in another country completely immersed in something different, uncomfortable and still beautiful! I breathed Italian culture until there was nothing else to do but adjust. At first I was stagnant and missed home, but by the end of it I had changed and my lungs miss Italy so much. I stood in the coliseum, I drank wine and watched the sun set over the massive Duomo. I rafted, kayaked and zip-lined in the beautiful Costa Rica. I got to visit a dear old friend in Sweden and we traveled to the beautiful almost toy-like city of Prague. In every country I went to I laughed and met such neat people and most importantly, I grew... I'm stronger, more patient, and more appreciative of other cultures and my own.
- Read 26 books

Kevin surprised me with a nook which I am obsessed with so reading will only get easier-and much lighter to move. lol. I did not do a very good jobkeeping track of the books I read this year, and if I don't count text books I'm not sure I quite made it to 26, but here are a few;

Flipped- Adorable

Sarah Dessen- (Specifically The Truth about Forever) From reading the backs of these books I thought I might be a little too old for these, but there is always something to be learned from every book at every age and I enjoyed them very much.

The Hunger games Series; OH MY GOODNESS, the only way I could of read these books any faster is if I literally threw them in a blender and shot them into my vein, and believe me I would of. Once I picked up the first book I was a goner.

Water for Elephants- Really enjoyed and got to watch the movie on my way home from Italy.

I think I read The Help this year, maybe last, but loved it of course. Any story where the lead character is a courageous educated woman that has more in her plans than marriage resonates with me!

- keep getting good grades

As of right now I will be graduating with a 3.98, So I think I accomplished this incredibly vague goal.

-take dance

unfortunately this is something I can't seem to find. But I did fall in love with Yoga and went 3 times a week. Although I still would like to dance this year.
- learn an instrument well

This is on my list every year and I'm afraid it will continue to be. But I did learn 3 songs on the Ukelele this year and wrote two songs on the Piano.
- take a road trip

This May my love and I drove to Chicago and had an amazing experience rain and all, more to that story.
-do something that makes me uncomfortable

For this one I am going to once again say living in Italy was uncomfortable. But also I interviewed for a serious job and I knitted! Maybe it sounds strange that that could be uncomfortable but it didn't come easy to me.

- write a book

Although I continue to write, the task of writing a whole book just hasn't come together yet. Each book idea seems to be missing pieces. Maybe the perfect story hasn't come to me yet, or maybe when I have more time after school is over I can dedicate my whole self to some other ideas.
- Work on my spirituality

Still searching, praying, meditating and trying to be in touch with the universe and my creator.
- Smile everyday

Thanks to Kevin, this is almost possible.

- finish all my scrapbooks

Let's be serious how is this even possible when I do so many cool things...darn!
- Stop being angry-forgive, forget, figure out, understand, move on

One thought at a time...

- Cook more meals

I've been doing so well! I even ate Gluten and Dairy free for three weeks! I love cooking and now that I have the support from my boy and an adorable kitchen again I will only get better.

It was truly an amazing year. Right now I am incredible happy in an adorable apartment with my love. But for the first time the road is not laid out in front of me this next year and I can run any direction I please. I'm scared as hell but I'm trying to remind myself how exciting this is! So here are my goals, dreams, hopes for this upcoming year.

-Continue to work out and train for the Camino- I just signed up for an athletic club down the street and am very excited to try more yoga classes and keep running. Last year I got to where I was running a mile and a half, it sounds pathetic, it is, but I was proud. But this year I would like to be able to run three miles.

- Walk the Camino- If you don't know what this is google it. Not much of a reader? Watch The Way. I'm not sure if I'll be able to work it into this year or next. But I want my life to be more meaningful and I want to push myself. This would be an amazing challenge and something that would make my feet burn and my body uncomfortable, and something I could be proud of- hopefully enlightening.

- Once again I'd like to make it to at least 2 countries. I recognize traveling will only get harder to do and to afford but I have to make it happen. "Someday" has never been a word in my vocabulary and I know I will continue to find a way to make it happen. I'd really like to do a volunteer program.

- Graduate- obviously

-Take the GRE

-Figure out what I want to do (for right now) and if that includes Grad-school get into a great one in another state.

- Go out more- I've focused on school and it has paid off, but it's time to have fun and say yes to a crazy night.

- Cook even more!

- Read 26 books and keep track!

- Keep writing! Maybe this isn't my year to write a whole novel either, but I'm sure gonna try.

- Keep playing- any instrument, all instruments.

- Knit well enough to make things. Maybe a simple scarf or something with a round needle.

- Scrapbook my childhood and give myself the baby book I never had.

- Buy a sewing machine.

- Get my life organized.

- Learn to trust there is a bigger picture unfolding in front of me and my life will be beautiful.

- Master Swat on Halo.

- Do more volunteering locally.

- Meet with friends more often.

-Be open to making more friends.

-Be a better listener.

- Go on more hikes and do more things in Colorado in general.

- Go to another state.

Here's to another beautiful year of life living, loving, learning and laughing!

Going For It!

After stressing more than I ever have over this, I took a breath, and submitted my deposit. eek! I have to make this happen is what I landed on. This has been my dream forever and why let it slip away? I have to do this simply as a chapter in my life. I crave adventure and growth, and the people in my life seem to hold me back with negative energy. The wonderful people (and boy) I love more than anything will be here when I get back. So what if my student loans increase exponentially, life's too short not to do the things you love and that make you happy. Why else are we here? To climb the corporate ladder? To get the most consumer goods? Doubt it...

So this is a little bit of a leap for me. A leap towards something, and away from other things, but in the end I believe I will grow big enough to catch myself from falling. If we get too comfortable we don't take risks and grow, and in the end of our lives would we be okay with that complacence we chose? I choose to jump... It's scary but wonderful.

Too Excited to Write Well or Say Much...

Soo much to say! New place, new internship, new minor, new job...if I can find the time. lol.

I am so enjoying making my life all that I can right now. I am in love with my internship! It lets me do what I love most, helping people. I get to be the mentor I never had, someone these girls can aspire to and look up to, someone who is not Lindsey Lohan or Miley Cyrus. I am so excited to see these girls have a complete change of their self-concept. I cannot wait to struggle with them to win the fight against negative body image, low self-esteem, no direction, no inner strength or identity. I cannot wait to see what they teach me and how much they inspire a growth in me. Sure I'm not a morning person and haven't woken up this early in *cough* 4 years *cough*, but it's totally worth it. This may be what I want to do with my life: Teach our youth the importance of communication, and positive self-image, give them strengths, goals, and knowledge of consequences. I'm so excited I stumbled into this.

I'm proud of myself for the first time in a long time. I went through an interview, yikes, and got the job. Applied for my internship, stressful, and disciplined myself to go to all the training, and I keep finding ways to make school fun and exciting so I can finish on time. Self-confidence is so hard to come by and many of us get broken down constantly from the media, others and mostly from ourselves, and my internship has taught me how important it is to simply, like yourself.

Now if I could only get to the gym regularly! goodness!

In The Right Place

There are days when I forget who I am, there are days when I don't like how I'm acting, and there are days where I'm lost completely. But today I feel better about who I am than I have in a long time.

In this first week of school, after getting frustrated and being discouraged, I finally settled into the fact that I will be here for 15 weeks. School is not hard, but man is it a work load! I'm not saying I don't love it, cuz for some crazy reason I do, but I am excited to be done with this semester so I've completed more college than I have left. That will feel good. Overall I'm happy with my classes and constantly get little reminders that I am in the right place making my annoying doubts smaller and smaller. You probably all know I've driven myself have insane trying to decide where I should be. I found out I can only take 6 more classes for my major, and looking at my list of 13 I'd love to take, I realized I'm going to be ok if there's that many classes in my discipline I'm excited about. My major is called the crossroads major. This is because where all other majors pass though meaning, I live in it! Meaning and messages are everything! They create our world and wrap there arms around everything else making them possible. For me, someone who wants to do everything, and is a little bit of everything, this seems like my place. I just love language! I love learning how to improve my communication because it allows me to do everything I truly want to; understand others better, build tolerance, grow, help others understand me better, and have the tools to persuade and demand attention to change the world. Who knows what I will do with it, but really my life is not about a career, or what I'm going to do, it's about who I'm going to be, and this is the best major to improve myself in every day life.

Will write about all my good and interesting books soon!

Jump In!

Press play and read on. lol

Hello, well I'm back from Greece (view blog: http://discovertheadventure.blogspot.com/ and follow if you like what you see. lol) and I had just an amazing time! In fact it has been quite difficult to readjust to normal life. I'm so glad I went! I re-found some of my confidence, adventure, independence, and really some happiness. Sometimes you get a glimpse of the person you were made to be, and when you get to be that person you feel in harmony with your inner soul. I felt that way on my trip. I feel that way with my new confidence and motivation. I had many realizations on this trip. I realized that I deserve to have friends who love and care about me, and even though I've been disappointed by lots of friends, I'm ready to put that behind me and find some new ones. There are a lot of amazing people out there, and it's often when you are not looking that you find them. Traveling around the world and seeing people all over, well I realize that I'm pretty lucky with the guy I have, and it's worth working through all the hard things life throws at you to stay with a person like that. I learned I'm pretty great too. My family makes sure to knock you down if you are ever in a good place with yourself. They don't just keep you grounded, they keep you just below the surface and call it staying humble. Well I'm tired of having no self-esteem, and I'm starting to realize it's ok to like who you are. It's ok to be happy, and to be happy with yourself. And since I know it's ok to be happy with myself, I don't have to be scared to work hard to get to there. Often my family seems under the surface, I don't know, jealous of me going on these trips. But that's not really fair. The only difference between me and them is I made it happen. I stopped saying what if, and said sign me up. Because it doesn't come down to money and time, it comes down to fear and laziness. We all say "wouldn't it be cool if..." well I get sick of that and I try to always say "wasn't it cool when..." I encourage everyone to, simple put, make stuff happen. Sign up for that blank you've always wanted. Rearrange your work schedule, start saving money, make life happen! If you don't it's not going to happen for you. Stop making excuses and being lazy because it's worth it when you do. Of course I'm going to take my own advice because I'm scared as hell to do lots of things as well. But one by one I'm knocking those things off the list, and I'm happy every time I do. I hope everyone had an awesome summer and is living it up all the way to the end. But the end is approaching quickly. Which isn't something to be sad about, because there is always something beautiful and something great all the time and around every corner.

Smell that? That's Life right infront of You

Life is good, there are so many wonderful opportunities! There is so much life to be had. There are so many books to read, movies to watch, people to meet, places to see, mountains to climb, buildings to jump off of, so many landscapes to be appreciated. I want it all, and I'm so thankful that I can have whatever I'm willing to chase.

I over think life a lot, which is holding me back from enjoying it to the full extent. In a way thinking and questioning is how I enjoy life, but getting angry and frustrated is not. I need to stop that. Nah, I am going to stop that, I am going to stop getting in my own way. I'm going to stop getting mad, I'm going to stop letting things get me down. Maybe to do this I need to know what is getting me down? What are the things that make me sad?

Death/growing old- This is a part of life. It is so sad to watch people grow old, but I just have to know that they will die, and death will be a good thing. I need to know that their best days are not behind them and society has not just pushed them aside. I need to believe that they had a good life, and spent it the way they wanted.

Missing out on things/ Not being able to do it all/ Letting myself down- I need to be quiet and listen to my heart. I need to become aware of what I really want, and focus on accomplishing that. I need to know that I am capable of doing a lot of things if I make them happen. I need to not be afraid to go after them.

People- I need to cut them slack. There are tons of beautiful people, and tons of beautiful things people have done. No one is completely good or bad, and that's what comes with freewill, which is a great thing. I need to have lower expectations for people. I can only control myself, and although my expectations can still be high, I can cut myself some slack too.


I think it is important to constantly remind ourselves who we are, and what we want. As long as you can be honest with yourself, you can be true to yourself. As long as you know who you are, what you believe and why, there is no problem that can't be solved and no goal that can't be reached.

We can do better

Music while you read, lol

"The good and the bad, it's a good life all and all..but I'm still going to try with everything I am to make it better"

I've made mistakes, I've grown
I've failed and succeeded
I've been a brat, and I've been giving and selfless
I've let my emotions take me to dark places, I've let them take me to somewhere beautiful
I've created, I've destroyed
I've done the best I can, and I constantly want to do better.
I want to make people smile everyday, I want to save an animal's life, I want to teach a kid to read, I want to build a family a home, I want to give everything I am to making this world better.

We all make mistakes, we are all learning, but I often get the feeling other people don't care like I do when they mess up. I see people making the world worse, I see people that aren't willing to stand up for what is right, and I don't know what to do. It kills me. I want to make the world better, but I feel like everything is against me, I feel like even good people who don't care make it harder on people like me. Why can't we all leave things better then we found them, why can't we all want good and a better world? Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time and efforts here. I want to go somewhere where my efforts will actually affect someone's life. I found a really cool volunteer program and I'm very excited about it. You can go to another country for as long as you want and just help, it sounds wonderful and such a nice break from well...here. I need to make my life an instrument for good. I don't know what else I can do with myself here on earth. I don't want things, or money, or a big name, I just need to make things better. I wish I didn't feel so.. alone on this.

This Can't just be Chaos!

Life, This earth, Our individual minds, Personality, Passion, Our bodies, Breathing, Love, Creativity, The Universe...What I just exhibited was a list of things that are absolutely, without a doubt, amazing!!

The fact that we exist in such a perfect environment made of all the right factors in a bubble of oxygen in the middle of a never ending universe is absolutely incredible! It can't just be coincidence. We, people, are amazing. The fact that we breath, think, create, and just live is spectacular.

People always tell me to just worry about myself, which is true. We need to focus on growing, improving, and proving ourselves to ourselves at our own pace. But I always feel like I can't just sit by and watch other people drown. If I was on a plank and people were all around me reaching up for help, I would save every single one of them without a thought. Then I realized I'm not on a plank, and these people are not asking for my help. When they do, I do help, more than I have ever realized before. Today I got the biggest complement. Someone told me I really encouraged them to be stronger, and to be confident in who they were just by watching me. They told me I pulled them out of a depression just because I took the time to realize they were sad and talk to them. It made me feel so good. I could not believe I came across that way, because I'm just as lost and confused as most, but I really helped them and I didn't even know it. It felt good to know that I don't have to put myself through hell for people, and frustrate myself trying to reach them. I really can wait for them to come to me, and I can affect other people's lives just by being me and being an example, which is what a lot of people were meaning all along.
Anyway I'm starting to realize that just worrying about bettering myself does not mean I do not help others. It simply means that who you are and where you are in life is just between you and god. And when you worry about yourself you are more equipped when people do ask for your help, and makes it so you can help them just by living your life.

While we are bettering ourselves, and reaching this age of awareness of how amazing it is that we are even alive, we need to know how amazing we are. We have full control in who we are; we are the captain of our minds and ourselves. We are the ones that tear ourselves down. We scream at ourselves for our failures, and remind us constantly that we are flawed and not good enough. We need to realize our control and build ourselves up at our own pace. We need to be patient with ourselves. We need to realize what we don't like about ourselves and know we have the power to change it. We are all amazing people because we are here! We have our own unique interests and personalities, thoughts, and beliefs. We all look a certain way, but that doesn't really matter. We are all beautiful because we work. We are machines that work perfectly. We all breathe, and have a heart beating in our bodies right now.

So I'm done tearing myself down. I will continue to better myself, but I will be still and know. Know that I am amazing, know that I am good enough, know that I help people, know that I can reach my goals. I hope all of you will realize how amazing you are.

Happily Awaiting Happiness

Two blogs in one day? I must be crazy. If you only have time to read one, don't pick this one. lol

I am really enjoying my most recent book! I'm flying through it. I absolutely love reading about the great discontentment, sadness, and confusion that many women have carried throughout time and what they have done with it. I feel I am one of these women that empathizes an unhealthy amount, over thinks everything, and is perfectly content in all the restlessness, searching and questioning. It inspired me to write this.

She contained a deep sadness, one held by her mother, and her mother's mother, and closely resembled the sadness a great deal of women have held throughout time. She liked this sadness, or at least was content in it. For it was a contemplative, reflective sadness. It moved her to appreciate, and strive for change. Sadness and happiness, whatever these flawed objective terms mean, cannot be separated, they are two sides of the same coin, two halfs of a whole binary opposition. She got overwhelmed with the ugly things in life, but she was the first one to point out the beauty in any situation. She felt, simply felt, the bad and the good, the sadness and the happiness completely, whole-heatedly, and without regret. She would not have herself any other way, could not imagine it rather. Sure it tortured her to her very core, and she was envious of the other world, the more superficial, free from thought world. The world where no thoughts existed on consequences, and bigger meaning... but she knew she could never be that, not now. It made her happy...to be sad. She liked over-thinking, she liked being different, she liked striving for change and searching for truth even when others discouraged it and told her just to worry about herself. It was a lonely life, especially on the inside, but she would rather be real and alone then fake and have a world of friends. She would rather be confused then not question, and she would rather feel sad, then be blind to hardship and suffering. Only when you have felt sad, truly deeply sad, can you understand what it means to be happy, and understand why we should all contribute and strive for change.


Writing this blog reminded me of a silly little poem I wrote in the ninth grade. So I will include it, silly, kinda dumb, and unchanged from the original.

Happily awaiting Happiness
She sits there perfectly content
Had some advice didn’t know what it meant
Looking at the beauty nothing is wrong
She hums a happy little song
What is she waiting for?
She’s smiling such a pretty smile
Doesn’t look at a watch but she’s been there awhile

She waits patiently with her smile
Whatever she’s waiting for must be worthwhile
What is she waiting for
She looks to the sun?
She’ll be burned in the long run
But she doesn’t care
She is so much more then rare
What is she waiting for?

There are so many places she could be
But she has no intention to flea
whatever she is waiting for?
She’s waiting for more
What are you missing
What aren’t you missing
What are you waiting for?

I watch her so confused
Don’t know if she needs rescued
You seem so pleased
Why are you so at ease
What are you waiting for?
You look so happy
You look so glad
Your forever waiting is to bad
What are waiting for?
You seem so happy
----------yet----------
You’re waiting for your happiness
I never would’ve guess
You’re happily awaiting happiness
What a mess
To happily await happiness
You’re simply complicated

Femiphobia and Ring less Fingers!

I'm a college student, I have a boyfriend, I shave my legs, I have hobbies and interests, I have male and female friends, basically when you look at me I am (quote unquote) normal in comparison to everyone else. So why in a class of 30 was I the only one willing to raise my hand when asked who considered themselves a feminist?

This made me so sad. We are college students, we are the educated, the elite, one step ahead of the rest of our generation. If we are unknowledgable and afraid, then the world is screwed when it comes to change. Feminist's are not man-hating dikes, hello you should know this! Just like every Muslim is obviously not a terrorist. Feminism is striving for political, social and economical equality among the sexes. Who could disagree with that? Here is the kicker, after people learn what feminism really is, they are still afraid to raise their hand. We all, especially young women should be proud to identify with being a feminist. It gives all of us, men and women, the power of choice, more respect, and equal pay for gosh sakes! I challenge those women who are afraid to associate with feminism to live the life of a 1950's housewife. Yuck! Anyway my new mission in life is to undemonize the connotation of the word feminism. If people are afraid of it, ashamed of it, then we are never going to change the world and make it a better place. Other people have an excuse of being ignorant, but college students? They should know better and I challenge each and everyone of them to step up!

On to my next topic. I just want to take a second and appreciate love. It is not always easy and not always butterflies, but everytime we make bacon at three in the morning, laugh till our sides hurt, have a realization that everyone is crazy but us, I realize how lucky I am to know love. What sparked this you ask? Well everyday I have this game where I look at people's left hands on the light rail coming home from school. So many ring less fingers, the majority in fact, based on my research. It sparks a lot of questions. Were they ever married? Were they ever happy? What went wrong? Are they happier single? Do they go home to an empty house? It just gets me thinking.

Last, I wanted to take a second to talk about self worth. We all need it, but the places we find it is different. Whether it be our family, our education/intelligence, our experience, our clean house, we all have something to prove to ourselves that we are worth something. It's so interesting to me why we need a material expression to show ourselves and the world that we have worth, but we do...

Readers: A wonderful women in my life is starting a new and dangerous treatment for her disease, please keep her in your thoughts and send positive vibes her way, thank you!

Life is filled with great sadness, and much joy, but I am alive and well and it is a good life through and through. Love ~Care~