Decisions

I find myself in this constant dichotomy, one between having this amazing career, or having a family. I'm sure I am not alone in this, it is probably one that many 21st century women face. Today we have choices, endless in fact, which is a wonderful prison to be in. Recently I have acquired a great opportunity in the workplace, and yet I find myself turning away from it. People around me find this preposterous. How could I possibly turn down such a great opportunity, a resume builder? And sometimes I listen. Sometimes I feel like if I turn this down for a life raising children I have failed. Failed myself and my high expectations, wasted my potential as a human being, and given up my life of adventure. Well for those around me and the conflicted fear absorbed voice in my head I say; I met my soulmate at 16, grown into a relationship that not only have I not seen duplicated, but not even fathomable by most, I double majored in college in four years with a 4.0, I've been to more countries by the age of twenty-three than most see in a lifetime. To these people I say; I find myself inspiring those around me, and not because of how impressive my job title is, or how much money I make, but because of who I am; my values, strength, lifestyle, and most importantly, my undying devotion to following my heart. It is always a risk to turn down opportunities, but one thing I will not risk is my happiness.

Death

Death is so strange, and yet it is inevitable. It has happened to everyone that has ever walked the earth and will happen to everyone walking, or crawling it now. The best, the absolute best case scenario, we can hope for is for everyone we love to live a full life and fall asleep peacefully in old age. The worst is we send our beautiful, perfect 6-year old to school and they never come home to throw their backpack on the floor, and track in mud because they forgot to leave their shoes at the door. But no matter how or when we lose someone it leaves a big hole in our life. We look around and can't understand why the car behind us is riding our ass, or why people just keep going on like nothing has changed. So we continue on also, the best that we can.

I don't know how we cope, but we do. Although I don't understand how atheists and agnostics go on. The only thing that seems to make since about death is returning to God. Without this to hold on to I fear my tears would last forever and would not be selfish tears, but tears of fear and discontentment.

I have been so afraid of death, not of dying, but of not living fully until I do. People know it is there, that there is no escape, but still so many wasted days continue to take place. Working jobs we hate, holding grudges, not spending our free time with those that matter most. How do we forget so easily, myself included. Forgive, Quit, make phone calls, make time, move! Find what is important to you and spend your life doing it.

One more time I ask myself how should I spend my short amount of time here? How can I affect the most lives? And last, why on earth do we seem obsessed and completed engulfed with the fear of being forgotten after we go?

Love you papa, a life well lived, and a beautiful soul. R.I.P. Jackson Girtin

The year I turn 23- "What's my age again?"

Why hello again! And a Happy New Year. The one time of the year where I sure as heck remember to blog! I bet you are wondering why I used "heck"; besides being a poorly written sentence, I should have just gone with the old H-E-double hockey sticks. I did this to show you that in this year, 2013, I would like to sound more educated in my speech and so, naturally, curse words have to go. What else do I have planned for this upcoming year you ask? Well first I would like to take a moment to reflect.

2012: Wow, another incredible year. Above all else this shall forever be known as the year I graduated college. I wore the robe, they called my name, and I crossed the stage into the unknown. I could not be more proud of this accomplishment.

Other highlights of this year:
* Kevin and I got to experience the beautiful country, Espana. Spain was never high on my travel list, but I loved it! It was an incredible country; rich with history, culture, and food! It was a modern country. Every region was different in appearance and had so much to offer. We had a very diverse experiences here; palaces in Madrid and Granada, castles and swords in Toledo, crazy nightlife in Ibiza and Barcelona, culture and an Arab bathhouse in Cordoba, hanging by the beach and hiking in San Sebastian, meeting some furry friends in Gibraltar, and most exciting, participating in the Running of the Bulls! It was an incredible trip that I could spend hours reminiscing. One thing is for sure, I will return and walk the Camino! On my list last News Years was; travel to two countries, as always, which was accomplished; Spain and Gibraltar. Also on my list was walk the Camino, which we came very close to doing, but couldn't swing it financially.

*Also Kev and I decided to make one of the first irresponsible choices we have ever made. On a whim we quit our jobs and jumped in the car the next morning. It never ceases to amaze me how perfect we are for each other. Let's be honest, road trips are a recipe for disaster. You are tired, have a headache, and your stomach is punishing you for eating bags of beef jerky and gold-fish dipped in peanut butter, or whatever weird snack intrigued your bored mind. It is enough to make you punch anyone in the throat for absolutely no reason. But the amazing thing is we never get sick of each other. We talk about life for hours, listen to the same song over and over, and don't yell at each other when we spend hours completely lost. I will forever be thanking God for the second he brought Kevin into my life. Anyway we headed for Oregon, stopping in Idaho along the way. Oregon is breath-takingly green. In Portland, home of the hipsters, we had fun looking at art, bookstores, and eating Voodoo Donuts. In Eugene I fell in love with the University of Oregon. It was my dream university. I wish I would of known more when I was applying for college, but all I can do now is open up these options to my children. We drove down the coast, through the Redwood National Forest, where we stopped and had lunch, and drove to San Francisco. Here we marked off two baseball stadiums on Kevin's list and enjoyed some clam chowder. I loved all of these places and wouldn't trade this time we got to spend together for anything.

*I got to experience some incredible things in Hawaii; petting a wholphin, hiking, snorkeling, Hawaiian church and culture, paddle boarding-my new favorite thing, getting my rear handed to me trying to body-board in the waves, swimming in a waterfall, Tara root, black rice, swimming with sea-turtles, kayaking, jumping in Queen's bath, mochi icecream, and I got to experience them all with my biggest brother. While this trip tested my patience like nothing else has, and reminded me once again how little is in my control, I truly had an amazing trip and got to try lots of new things.

*Also on my 2012 list was; get a sewing machine. I had forgot about this until Christmas day when a very large box was placed in-front of me. I stared at it perplexed, but with one small tear of wrapping paper I instantly fell in love with this new hobby; an expensive hobby might I add! But I am proud to say that I just completed my very first project, since I was little on my grandmother's lap of course. I am very excited to dive in and have big plans; curtains, purses, place-mats, tea-cozies, yay! Just wish I had more time to focus on hobbies and less time at work. But this is the time to make money, and everyone must learn how to work hard. besides I am starting to learn how important a job is, any job, to one's self-worth.

*Also I am proud to say I wrote a lot this year. I wrote 100 pages of a book, and while I hate this book with every morsel of my being, it was a great learning experience. I love to write, but I'm starting to learn I don't have to do everything right now. I don't know why I have been in such a rush to do everything right this second, like I'm going to pop out a kid tomorrow and my life is over. I have my whole life to write a good book, to leave my mark on the world. For now I should just keep writing and creating experiences to write about.

*I opened myself up and went out a lot more. I hosted game nights, I hung out with friends when they asked, and I even became a part of a group; sure it mostly consists of my family; siblings and cousins, but it was wonderful having people to call up on a Saturday night. We just moved to Belmar to have more of an urban living experience, so I think this year we will only go out more.

*I went to the gym consistently for a lot of this year, and I am extremely proud to say that for the first time in my life I ran four miles! It made me feel like I could do anything. I continued to fall in love with yoga and Pilates, and would even like to be an instructor some day.

*And finally, I applied for Grad-school at DU. Who knows if I'll get in, who knows if I'll go, or if I even want to go, but the fact that it is a possibility is pretty cool.

This year was filled with many things, accomplishment, adventure, and most of all fear. Fear of the future, fear of the unknown, fear of failure. But all in all, another amazing year; one where I learned, loved and laughed.

So what are my plans for this upcoming year?... Well for one thing I'm tired of making lists. The things I do become more about crossing them off of a meaningless list than enjoying them fully. Making lists makes me feel accomplished, like I have purpose, but my life has got to be about more than writing things down, doing them, then crossing them off. What am I trying to prove? Who am I trying to prove it to? SO this year I am going to focus on me; being me, loving me, making me better. I am not even thinking about what others are thinking, doing, saying. So for my first trick, I got rid of my Facebook. I never got my generation's obsession with documenting their every move anyway. This social site is more about comparing your life with other's appearances anyway; a fake world of stalking and envy, of bragging and pretending, more than it has ever been about connecting.

I start a new job on Monday, I have a cruise planned in May with my family, but no other plans this second. I'm going to take things one day at a time, and figure out who I am, and what I would really like to be. In order to follow my heart, I need some quiet time to listen to it, and exposed it to more possibilities.

This year I hope you all focus on the person you want to be, because that is what I will be doing. I can no longer worry about everyone else, for it is not my job and that's okay. I wish you happiness, contentment, and patience to deal with life's inevitables.

I hope you check back with me this year, because through this crazy, stressful and exciting time of life, I will definitely need my blog to sort through it!

Love, Carrie