I've never really complained about my life. I know everybody goes through things, everybody has a hard life and their own problems. I've always felt I did not have a right to complain or say anything because so many people have it so much harder than me. But I'm starting to realize what I went through was not normal, and most of all it was not right. Much of my childhood was sick and unhealthy, and you know what? I'm not okay. It hurts to remember.
I wonder if I'll ever be okay, the damage is done. Will I be able to be a normal wife? Will I be able to be a good mother? Can I hide all the shit I went through from my children? I would rather not have kids than have them feel an ounce of what I went through. I'm realizing it's okay to know I've had it hard. I don't have to feel guilty for not always being able to hide it, and for hurting from it. It's okay to not always act strong. I used to think it was my fault, and I deserved it, but I realize that I did nothing to deserve it, and had no control over anything that happened. It's hard not having anyone to talk to about these things, but maybe if I let myself feel the pain, really feel it for once instead of pushing it down, well maybe I can let it go for good this time...
About Me
- Care
- I am a lot of things, sometimes it drives me insane,and I think too much, but at the end of the day I am happy with who I am. I spend most of my time trying to understand this life, creating the person I would like to be, and learning. I always appreciate the little things, and I try to be better than, and to make better, the bad things.
I wish I could have been a fly on your wall of life. I am somewhat surprised at hearing things were messed up and not normal. From an outsider’s view, I see your childhood closer to a fairytale than sick and unhealthy. I guess the grass is always greener. I find myself experiencing, my sometimes not so admirable trait, of curiosity and want to hear specifics. I will control myself though and leave that up to you. Perhaps someday we can share some of our dark memories together. Just know that I am proud of and love you.
ReplyDeleteI have curiosity as well, hearing small details from ur life I am sooo sorry! The childhood you guys had to put up with..it's just amazing how strong of people you are now! I'm sure you can understand how much can stay hidden, often forever! I wouldn't really write anything on here on specifics, but I love and respect you very much!
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