Oh boy

Guys...we all know them, they are the ones with penis's. So anyway all my life I have gotten along better with guys, and the majority of my friends are guys. I get to listen to them reminisce about "green sweater girl" and "the one with the face" and die a little inside that even my guy friends, who I consider good guys, talk like this. I watch them play video games for hours, which includes watching them draft players...Boooring! I even kick their ass at basketball once in awhile. Lately I find I'm feeling less like one of the guys, and more like one of the guy's girlfriends. I guess it was going to happen eventually where I outgrew their twelve year old maturities and the sports talk. I mean I want to be one of those cool chicks who loves sports trivia and watching sports center, I do, but I just can't support that crap. Hi, I'm an athlete, I'm an asshole and complaining because I only make 30 million dollars a year, how am I ever going to buy forgivness from my wife for all the cheating I do. When education in our country is getting screwed up the a-hole and teachers are being layed off like crazy. So anyway I'm not really relating to my guy friends lately, I don't relate to most girls cuz I don't like to watch Glee, I can't stand Twilight, and I'm not dying for some jerk Marine to pop a ring on my finger. I also generally don't relate to most kids my age because I don't like to get wasted every weekend. I wish I had some cool girl friends who liked to shop and paint their nails, then go play football. haha, goodness what a ridiculous rant this is.

Oh and I think I found a study abroad program finally! It goes to four countries which would be pretty sweet!

What makes me me?

Like most women I look in the mirror and tear myself to pieces. It's sick, and it's sad and it is no way to live. Why do we do this to ourselves. Since I cannot really change the way I was made, I wonder why lately I am so down on my appearance and why my self-confidence is dangerously low. It's interesting when you realize how many accomplishments it takes to build your confidence up, but I bet we can all peg a handful of events that totally tore us down. That's how i feel recently: stripped, and insecure in my own skin, and I don't like it at all. I realize that if I'm unhappy with my mirror image then it must be something within I must change.

All this time I wonder what I'm looking for, and the answer is myself I guess. But lately I feel lost. I second guess my beliefs and values, and sometimes don't even know who I am, or what makes me me. I say things and feel guilty or out of control of the words. So I decided to make a list of things I know for sure about myself so I can begin to put myself back together.

I like to create
I like purple
I like fairness
I like animals
I am a third wave feminist
I care about the planet
I love my family
I want to make a difference
I like being outside
I like to think
I like weather
I like appreciation
I like learning
I like being healthy
I like being active
I like reading/writing
I don't like disrespect
I don't like closed mindedness'
I don't like materialism
I don't like ignorance
I don't like cockyness
I don't like fake
I don't like jealousy
I don't like being envious

Those are things I know for sure about myself, some of the things that make me unique, or not.

Lately I don't relate or get along with anyone, especially people my age. I feel pretty alone. But friends are people that have things in common with you, so I think I have to know who I am before I can find people who will compliment my life and me theirs.

For now I am going to focus on figuring me out, acting nicer, and feeling better about myself.
I think this means cutting people out of my life that do not compliment me, and make me act a way I do not like.

For the rest of us, let's stop judging each other when it comes to appearance. Only when we stop mocking and judging others, can we stop judging ourselves, which would get rid of our biggest critic. We are all so much more beautiful then we often feel.

Book # 6

Book #5 will be written about in due time.
Book #6= Handle with Care by Jodi Picoult.

After reading 8 of Picoult's collection of books, she gives me, without a doubt, the most amazing experiences of any other author I have ever read.

In my opinion she is simply inspiring as a writer, and what she does is pure art. If I could be half the writer she is I would be content.

The way she crafts her ideas and sentences is poetry. How she uses events and simple actions to relate to the themes and morals of the story amazes me. She creates and fulfills the reader's desires at the end of every page and chapter with constant twists and turns.

She makes me feel so powerfully, like I have almost never felt before. Some books you cry for the characters, but in her books you cry with them, you laugh with them, you are part of the family, a member of the jury. In fact, her books make me feel so much that I cannot completely get back to reality until I am finished with the book. This is why I usually finish her 4-500 page books in 2 days.

I cry multiple times in her books, and at the ending, although I often find myself angry at her for putting me through that, I am so happy with the way she does end it. I always said that when I became an author I would end my books sad, raw, and real, and that is exactly what she does.

Anyway, Jodi Picoult is the closest thing I have to a hero, and I love to dive in the world she creates for me every single time, tears and all.

Rated R doesn't stand for Rainbows.

I know what you are thinking, two blogs in one day?! lol


I recently watched a movie called Watchmen. As I watched it I remembered the huge complaint parents had because there was a blue penis showing in the movie. Number one: Grow up! As I was watching the movie there was a huge amount of sick violence. If I was a parent, a little penis would be the least of my worries. Number two: the movie was rated R! The only reason your kids saw that movie was because you bought them a ticket to it! The media rates movies for a reason, if you let your kids see an R movie, then you cannot blame the media, it's your bad parenting. Parents say "there is nothing good for my kids to watch." Good, then don't let them watch anything. In fact, the best thing you can do for your kids is get them as far away from the media as you can! In fact, everyone should disconnect from the media.

Some parents make me so mad sometimes, especially the religious ones. They are always trying to change the world so that they don't have to be afraid of letting their kids go out in it. Well guess what, you can't change the world, all you can do is instill your children with strong values, let them go and hope you did your job. If the parent did a good job of teaching their children, and have faith in them, then they should have nothing to worry about. If a parent is worried about their children in the world, it is a reflection of how they trust their own parenting. If parents stopped trying to change the world and focused more on changing their children, then eventually the world would change. Ugh. lol... No one that should read this has access to it.

Anyway religion, so interesting. I'm amazed at how it really is just an expression of humanity's greatest concerns. I'm not here to challenged if religion is true or not, it's just interesting to study religion in relation to society and people's lives. It's weird how the majority of the church congregation are women, but the hierarchy of the church is always made up of men. A lot of religions prohibit women from holding top positions...seems wrong, seems like something women would not want to believe in. Also it is interesting how religion is a source of social control, and a source of freedom at the same time. A lot of horrible sick things have been done in the name of religion, but a lot of people have found strength in it to do great as well. All in all I do not know how I feel about religion, in relation to truth, suppression, and thought control, but for now I will continue to talk to god and search for spirituality.

Femiphobia and Ring less Fingers!

I'm a college student, I have a boyfriend, I shave my legs, I have hobbies and interests, I have male and female friends, basically when you look at me I am (quote unquote) normal in comparison to everyone else. So why in a class of 30 was I the only one willing to raise my hand when asked who considered themselves a feminist?

This made me so sad. We are college students, we are the educated, the elite, one step ahead of the rest of our generation. If we are unknowledgable and afraid, then the world is screwed when it comes to change. Feminist's are not man-hating dikes, hello you should know this! Just like every Muslim is obviously not a terrorist. Feminism is striving for political, social and economical equality among the sexes. Who could disagree with that? Here is the kicker, after people learn what feminism really is, they are still afraid to raise their hand. We all, especially young women should be proud to identify with being a feminist. It gives all of us, men and women, the power of choice, more respect, and equal pay for gosh sakes! I challenge those women who are afraid to associate with feminism to live the life of a 1950's housewife. Yuck! Anyway my new mission in life is to undemonize the connotation of the word feminism. If people are afraid of it, ashamed of it, then we are never going to change the world and make it a better place. Other people have an excuse of being ignorant, but college students? They should know better and I challenge each and everyone of them to step up!

On to my next topic. I just want to take a second and appreciate love. It is not always easy and not always butterflies, but everytime we make bacon at three in the morning, laugh till our sides hurt, have a realization that everyone is crazy but us, I realize how lucky I am to know love. What sparked this you ask? Well everyday I have this game where I look at people's left hands on the light rail coming home from school. So many ring less fingers, the majority in fact, based on my research. It sparks a lot of questions. Were they ever married? Were they ever happy? What went wrong? Are they happier single? Do they go home to an empty house? It just gets me thinking.

Last, I wanted to take a second to talk about self worth. We all need it, but the places we find it is different. Whether it be our family, our education/intelligence, our experience, our clean house, we all have something to prove to ourselves that we are worth something. It's so interesting to me why we need a material expression to show ourselves and the world that we have worth, but we do...

Readers: A wonderful women in my life is starting a new and dangerous treatment for her disease, please keep her in your thoughts and send positive vibes her way, thank you!

Life is filled with great sadness, and much joy, but I am alive and well and it is a good life through and through. Love ~Care~

I need a bigger plate.

Hello,

So book #4= Summers Crossing by Truman Capote because I was told "every girl needs a little Capote."

To be honest I don't have much to say about this book, and I did come to find out it was never meant to be published in the first place. But what I really wanted to comment on was the author. It seems there are those who live a life of suffering and restlessness to bring the rest of the world entertainment. These people are called artists. The best kind of art comes from a terribly sad and complicated soul. Does it have to be this way? I always wanted to be able to call myself an artist, but is it worth so much pain? Maybe the more rewarding life is the one where you smile because you can, don't over think things, and just appreciate the art. I seem to be right on that line of artist and appreciator. It's a perplexing place to be.

Anyway, life.... I just have no idea what to do with it? Oh boy here comes the over thinking again. I wonder if we knew what came after life if we would treat life more preciously, or if we would do less with it. "Well Carrie, I suppose that would depend on the answer." Should we constantly put ourselves in unfamiliar uncomfortable situations and learn, or can we just live simple and comfortably? I feel like both options leave you with regrets. Here I go again wanted to do it all.

Life seems overwhelming today, I feel an immense pressure to make all the right choices, and make them right now. I know it sounds just so silly. Anyway I'm going to try and take it an hour at a time, because a day just won't fit on my plate.

(Should I transfer colleges? Where should I study abroad? Do I have the right major? What do I want to do? Will I even be able to get through college? Should I live somewhere else? What does it mean to be 20? Am I taking advantage of my freedom? Am I using my free time wisely? How can I make everyone happier?)

I'm reading books 5 and 6 at the same time, might take longer to write about them.

Book # 3 in Cali

Hello again. Just got back from California where I had a blast hanging on the beach and going for walks through such interesting neighborhoods. I ate lunch at this place called Lemonade. The strangest experience. Good food but such weird combinations of ingredients.


But while in California I, like I often am, was reminded of how sick people can be. So weak when fighting human desire. Sex, drugs and alcohol crawl into bed with us and take over our body, in time they crawl into our mind and control our lives. Why aren't people better than this? Why do we all try so hard to run away from our own minds, the gift of our own minds! Ok, of coarse not of all us, but a bunch of stangers get together, drink until no one recognizes themselves, akwardness fades, and with it dignity runs out the door, and everyone hooks up, throws up, passes out, and is back the next night.

With this I understand why you would want to scrap humanity and start over. This is where my book comes in. Oryx and Crake by, Margaret Atwood, is a science fiction book about our future world and a person with a vision to scrap huimanity and start over with new, refined people to make a paradise. It was a little drab and not very enjoyable to read, but had a lot of interesting ideas. These new people have been stripped, maybe unsucessfully, of characteristic that the creator finds to be damaging to society. They no longer have sex as a pleasure, it is simply a mating ritual, they have no knowledge or awareness of mortality, no jealousy or envy, and many more, physical changes as well like perfect skin.

In the end, despite all the efforts, it seems maybe it is inevitable for humans to have these things. Because the things that often make us sinful and sick, are also the things that make our world beautiful. These are curiosity and creativety. You cannot take these things out of a human, and would you want to? Isn't it beautiful that we are the only animals that ask where we came from and invent gods to explain it because we are so discontented by the thought? Isn't it beautiful what we can create. What this book meant to me is humans are what we are, we are amazing. But with what we are comes the power to do great, and to do great evil. Bad and Good are a packaged deal. I do not think we could let go of good just to get rid of the bad.


Like always my analyses is my opinion and these books may hit you in a different way.

Done with book #4, will write about it in time.

Love ~Care~

Questions

I find myself talking about life a lot, which I need, crave, and is important for my growth as a person. But it is funny because I find myself always talking to people much older than me. It has really made me realize that we are all the same and none of us know anything more than anyone else. We are all just living life the best we know how and making mistakes left and right, but all we can do is do the best we know how at the time. We can't constantly drive ourselves crazy with thoughts about our past and what we could of done differently. It used to really upset me that no one had any answers, but now I am okay with it. I have accepted the fact that when I am 80 I will still have just as many questions and concerns about life as I do right now. I am excited that even though I will never know, I will continue to explore and question.

It has always been interesting to think about relationships for me, and how feelings change and die. I think this is because we, as people are always changing. I think for a relationship to work, you have to understand you both are always re-establishing your identity, and we have to re-learn who the other person is all the time. Otherwise we stop talking slowly and assume we know them, then one day we wake up and realize we are totally different people then we once were, don't recognize each other, and the love is gone.


Anyway, The big epiphany I learned tonight is although we can kinda learn from other people's mistakes, it doesn't really work that way. We are all different, and different things play out differently for different people. A lifestyle that works for one person, won't work for another. So I am going to stop being afraid to do things that steered someone else wrong, because I am a different person, who wants and needs different things.