What do you think?

Driving home one day I heard this on the radio; "Something, something, something, 5000 dollars." I quickly realized they were talking about egg donation. Although it completely weirds my whole family out, it got my seriously thinking. How many women find themselves wrapped up in life, trying to get to a stable point and figuring themselves out, then wake up and they are 35. This seems like something that could easily happen. Expecially in this generation when people aren't growing up as fast, when it's harder to be finacially independent, when it's rare to graduate college in 4 years. 35 seems so young to me! It's awful that it is already hard to have kids at that age.

Anyway I'm not sure how I feel about it, and ofcoarse the money would be great, but having someone running around out there with my genes seems...strange. I don't want a person wondering who their real mother is, mostly because I don't even feel like I could be considered that. But I think it is so messed up that the people who really take the time to get a career, and to find their true love can't have kids when they are often the ones who would make the best parents.

So I wanted to know what you guys thought about this. It's a strange thing, but it's a super amazing gift to give someone as well.

A Slipperly Slope

Tonight...

Tonight I write to you as someone who is naked. As someone who does not have things figured out and has her own problems. Because that's who we all are. We all get knocked down when we are sure of ourselves, we get taught lessons right when we think we know it all, and we get a reality check when we get lost in our dreams.

Tonight I feel defeated, and I'm not sure why. I feel like a hypocrite. I know I am just as inconsistent in my beliefs as everyone is. I know that I do not always practice what I preach, which includes being open minded, being educated before you talk, being consistent, being nonjudgmental. I judge others for judging all the time, that makes me no better.

Tonight I learned there is a difference between education and desensitization, which I think is a very important thing to learn.

Tonight I was reminded that there is always so much we do not know, and there is always so much more for us to learn.

I believe so strongly, and it makes me crazy. How can anyone believe so strongly when we all have so little proof.

I've always been so upset because throughout my life I have been there but not done that: I've been in situations, but I haven't really done anything bad. I have been tested, I've said no, I've tried things, and never had to try them again. But no one seems to respect that. People always want to hear about the people who said yes, who were overtaken by something and then won out in the end. Well tonight I realized that yes, it has taken a lot of guts for me to not go along with the crowd, but I have gained a lot of respect for people who have had to overcome a weakness. It is a slippery slope for anyone to get addicted. It could happen to anyone of us, and has happened to a lot of us. But we can overcome it, it's not easy, and it is something to celebrate, to be proud of, to recognize.

I guess what I'm saying is tonight I realized as hard as it was for me to say no, it is much harder to say yes over and over again until your not even the one making the choice anymore, and then to once again take control of your body and not turn back...

I know lots and lots of people who have had an addiction, and I am so proud, and relieved, of those who have beat it, and I will give endless support to those still fighting.

The Little Things

These pictures are from my lovely walk yesterday. I really wanted to show you my wonderful new friends Mr. and Mrs. Owl, but apparently my camera needs a really good zoom for that. They are so cool! Here you can kinda see one, but I'll return again with better equipment.

Here is the creeper view of me enjoying my peaceful walk.

lol, nice and short. A nice alternative to my all too often essay blogs. It must be the pictures that allowed me to write so little.

When it Snows in April, it's Probably a Good time to Stay in Bed

As the rain got quieter this morning while I lay in bed, I was disappointing that it had stopped. To my surprise I opened the window to find snow!..Oh Colorado!

I had the most delicious breakfast; an omelet, toast, my vitamins, and a Brown Cow yogurt! Oh Brown Cow you are amazing! At Natural Groceries I found a secret supply of them with every amazing flavor that I am even hesitant to tell you guys about. No offense, but every time I find them they seem to disappear. lol.

So today I decided to rant about texting. So Dear my generation...mostly. It drives me nuts. When you are with someone in person, be with them, do not always have your mind half somewhere else. It shows them you do not care about them, and that you are bored. If you have something to say to someone, just call them and talk for a few minutes, or send them a quick question and be done with it. When you are hanging out with people, give them your full attention. It is just rude and annoying when you are constantly texting. I apologize for anytime any of you have been talking to me and I have texted. I really try not to and I do not like how it makes the other person feel.

Also I wanted your guy's opinion on something. I wanted to ask you about sex..yeah! Being someone who has had christian ideals shoved in their face their whole life I fear I need other opinions. SO.. I see the people who have sex like it's nothing with everyone, I see people who make sex seem like the biggest deal in the world. I see relationships with and without it, I see people disspointed by it and bored by it. I see an immature society who makes it such a taboo topic. So basically my question to you guys is, Do you think its less important then we make it? Is it something that is just for having fun and making babies? Or is more meaningful than we make it? Is it really an amazing act of love that let's two people look into each other's souls?

I don't know why exactly, but I feel like it's really meaningful, and not such a big deal at the same time...just curious what others think about such a hot topic that we rarely talk about even though it is one of the only natural universal things about life.

Spring Rain...So Lovely

Listening to the spring rain and some quiet relaxing music...what a perfect thing to do. Went on a walk today and it was wonderful. I saw an owl and I think I'll bring my camera on my next walk to catch some of the beauty that now only exists in my mind...and of coarse the place where my walks take place. But since none of you have access to that right now I will show you.

I'm weird... that's pretty much all I can summarize about myself and my experiences. Why am I so distraught about everything. It's silly and such a waste of living. But I'm afraid that if I do not think about everything, and don't make choices, I will also end up wasting life. hmm... Do any of you know what you want to do, What you want to be? I feel like very few of us ever know.

I'm frustrated that I was always told I can do whatever I want to do. That does not help me at all, it just gets me confused. It should not matter what we do right? But it does. Not only do we spend much of our time at our jobs and should enjoy them, we are, whether we like it or not, defined by them. It is so frustrating, but really think about how many things people assume about you when they hear what you do.. .

My new mission..I've looked at many a lists of possible careers, but I am going to go job by job and cross of the things I know for sure I do not want to do.

Anyway, although I've been concerned about life lately, I am happy. Happiness, Ahh, what an interesting phenomenon. People always tell me happiness is a choice, and although I believe that to a point, that depresses me. There are times when you need to change your attitude, there are times when you should probably realize your lack of control of the situation and make the best of it, but most of all there are times when you should change your situation! If you are not happy it is often because we are not where we are meant to be...at least I believe this. If you read my blog you know I am not sure if we create our path, or if God ( or something) lays it out for us. Is there a plan for us? Well I'm not sure still, but either way you can feel when you are not being true to yourself, whether that self was self created or instilled.

I have such a difficult time knowing if our core self--the one deep down that we are much unaware of-- is something we are born with or not. If we are not born with a personality, we could hardly prove it because our personality is already shining through so young.

I'm still having trouble knowing exactly what I believe in. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I have way to much passion for someone without concrete beliefs. So lately I've been listening a lot more. The less you feel the need to respond, the more you really hear what others are saying.


On further news I really am enjoying life right now. Right now...that is exactly what I need to focus on more often. Right now nothing is wrong in my world, all the people I love are safe, all my basic needs are met..I guess this is why I have so much time for self-actualization. lol.

Also I am slowly building my self-esteem up again. It feels nice. I feel about ready to take another stroll outside of my shell, spend some more time with friends. I often get frustrated with people and choose its not worth it to go through all the trouble to hang out with them. But I realize that friendships/relationships are one of the most important things about living. It's also perfect timing to see friends do to the season..so good timing mind!

Anyway there are so many awesome and beautiful things and moments in each day. Like today going for a walk and laughing at my dogs chase prairie dogs, or like right now peacefully listening to the rain. We need to recognize these things. And although bad things are always easy to recognize, we need to recognize when we have the power to change them..and then do it!

Sunshine and Distractions

Motivation where are you?
I checked all the t.v. channels, I checked the couch, I checked the fridge, I even checked the shower, I checked the bed and stayed there just in case you would show up, I checked my book, and my wii, I checked the internet and my facebook, I checked outside.. you are just not in any of these places!

Maybe tomorrow I'll try checking my desk, or my textbook, or even my notes...but I doubt I'll find you there either.

3 more weeks of school..I love it I do but the outdoors and fun is calling my name!

You're Losing Your Mind, But I Hope You're Not Lost

Today I had a delightful spring day. The weather was beautiful and I went to Red Rocks with my gramps. Although my grandpa has a quickly fading memory, he never forgets to recognize and appreciate the beauty around him. It is inspiring really, very few people can stop and recognize how beautiful life is. I get very few chances to look in the window of his mind, so I am thankful for ever time. Today was one of those rare occasions and I really enjoyed it. He even reminded me multiple times to watch out for those twenty year olds who only have one thing on their mind. This cracked me up. Hearing his thoughts makes me realize that even though old people are often a little stuck in older and more ignorant times, he is a beautiful soul, and I'm lucky to know him, even if he has no idea who I am.

I work my booty off at my job. It is like being a server times 50. Everytime we turn boring empty rooms into an amazing glamorized event fit for Colorado's elite. We serve hundreds of people carrying tray ater tray of full and empty dishes until our arms shake and threaten to give out completely. We stand on our feet all night and run around trying to keep these rich people, the clients, and our managers happy until our feet are blistered and our legs are painfully sore. After that we totally strip the room breaking down tables and chairs and dealing with nasty dirty dishes and having to empty our disgusting trashcan sized slop bucket multiply times. After that comes more cleaning. The hardest part for me, is that this is most people's second and third job. That's insane! I am so lucky that I get to go to school. I never want to get stuck in a shitty job. Not all people have the oppurtunity to go to school, and I am so thankful I can. Anyway I do not mind working hard, I'm only complaing because it is like 10 jobs in one and I feel underpaid.

In other news I have 6 days of school left and I am so excited for the summer. I cannot wait to take every oppurtunity to explore hiking trails, and to be outside. :) And since this is the first summer I will be living with my love we will have so much time to have fun! Hopefully I can break myself from my boring sleeping habits and we can stay up all night adventuring, then wake up and make every breakfast food item we have in the fridge...awesome!

Now to write a twelve page paper....16 year old me would of never believed that I could write this much with so much ease. It makes me wonder what I will be able to accomplish in the future that seems impossible now...

Best Avalanche game ever tonight!

Oolong Teas and Shorts that can't Make it Past My Knees.

Went on a shopping spree yesterday for the first time in soo long! It is something I realized I would do much more often if my budget would allow it. Although every time I try on clothes I am reminded that my teenage body is no more. I realize size zero is a thing long of the past, and I find myself, more often than not, saying I need a bigger size and having the lady say "These were made small, but they will stretch, stick with the shorts that look like they were painted on." Maybe in different words. Although it's difficult, I realize it is part of life and I am normal..yeah. lol.

So anyway on my shopping spree I got some fun stuff! I got the coolest new toy...in my opinion, lol. I got this awesome tea maker where you let the tea brew in it, then you place it on top of a cup and it drains out..I'm not doing it justice, but it is sweeet! Anyway I also got some new Oolong teas to try and more healthy sugar...more slightly healthier sugar. I got some fun shorts that are made for sticks, and an adorable outfit that makes me look like I belong on a farm..I love it! I also got some rockin (who says that) yoga pants and some shape ups! (These items are to help me fit into my little tiny shorts which I mentioned previously.) And I got a cute little strapless dress which I worry about...Its just how do those stay up well on anyone? Constantly pulling them up is not attractive! Also If the strapless stress will fall down, then can't the strapless bra fall down with it. Anyway It probably will be worn with a regular bra, which defeats the purpose of it being strapless...whatever. So I had a successful shopping trip and now it is going to take me three shifts just to pay that off. lol.

I'll let you know how the shape ups go, but so far they are fun!