Right now and one day at a time

My whole life I have wanted to be somewhere and someone else. This following poem puts it very nicely.

Forgot to Live
First I was dying to finish college and to start working.
Then I was dying to get married to have children.
And then I was dying for my children to grow up
so that I could go back to work.
And then I was dying to retire so that I might finally do
all the things I had always wanted to do.
And now I am retired and I am dying...
and suddenly I realize that I forgot to live.

I realized why this is recently, which I think is a good step towards changing it. Which is a necessity! I have always had so many different sides and dimensions. Each part of me wants to be something different then the other parts. I mean we all have different sides of ourselves. We know this when we ask ourselves "What the heck are you doing?" or "This is not a good idea." Obviously there's another side of us who can step back and reflect. I just can't stand that mine are so conflicting. So when one part of me is chasing after a dream, there is always a part of me that is missing what we could be doing. So I am not sure how to go about collecting myself as one whole with one dream. Until I do that I will never be completely happy. This part may sound crazy. But I also realized something else that really helped ease my mind.

I realized how important the NOW is! "The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment" says we think about two things. Things that happened in the past. We re-live things all over again. We make ourselves upset and frustrated and just sick thinking about things that have already happened and we have no control over now. Also we think about the future, and what needs to be happen so we "will" be happy. Why can't we just live in the now. Especially when the now is the future we said would make us happy in the past! It's just crazy!
I'm going to just close my eyes and be thankful for right now. Right now I am warm, comfortable, safe, have a full stomach, am totally healthy, and I have a body that works perfectly... There is plenty to be happy about right now! So I am making myself a promise right now, I am going to stop thinking about the past, let it all go, and not let it affect how I treat anyone today. That way others have a fresh start in my life as well. It's not fair for us to continually judge others for one mistake or event. I would not want that, I make plenty of mistakes. Also I am going to plan my future, but I am not going to obsess about it, or long for it, like I do now. To be honest, I do not want to spend my whole life looking for something else and miss out on the now. Because sometime in the future, I am going to want to be 20 years old again, and I won't be able to. There is magic at every age and in every stage of life. I am going to appreciate every step of he way right where I am.

To sum up, here are the things I am working on:

1. Simplifying my life, every part of it! Reducing my material possessions, even cleaning out my email.

2. Getting one big goal to make my whole self happy.

3. Living right now and one day at a time.

Daily Concern: I always struggle with this. Many philosophers say you need to realize what is out of your control because you will never be happy or content if you try to change others and other things. And I am starting to realize this is true. But I just care too damn much! This strong passionate side of me says if no one tries or has tried to make the world a better place, then where would we be? So I want the peace that comes with just controlling yourself, but I don't want to give up on the world when so much is wrong!

Last note I swear! 'Come to Me' by Amy Bloom is very well written and fun to read. To me it was telling its' audience that love has many dimensions and to not look at relationships outside of the norm as wrong. But what do I know, read it yourself. It goes fast!




Love ~Care~