Wondering Away

It was always my dream to go to college. For some reason I had it in my mind that everything was wonderful in that magical place and that is where I belonged. Somewhere somehow I ended up at some commuter college that anyone with a GED could get into. It wasn't that I wasn't smart enough to go to a famous university, it's just my poorness to smartness ratio wasn't in my wallets favor to afford one. Besides I'm white, and let's face it, that's becoming more and more of a disadvantage these days. If any of you ever find a scholarship that reads;

Are you an average white female with good grades and no interest in becoming a nurse or an engineer? Are both your parents living, have normal occupations and are considered middle class but can barely afford the cost of books? Do you have little to no community service and did I mention white? If so here is $5000.00!

...please let me know. But the funny thing about life is I made choices and was given different things because of those. I got to travel which is something I could of never afforded to do without a small tuition. And now it is something I'm absolutely in love with that makes me feel alive. I got to experience a silly teenage romance blossom into a love that might possibly make it to rocking chairs on the porch. This is not the kind of thing that tends to happen when your roommate is sneaking boys into your dorm at night, and at parties you ask yourself if making out is considered cheating. And I got to get to know the family that my dysfunctional hectic childhood never allowed. I thought I wanted to run away from them, but now I know I just wanted to be with them more. I feel lucky that none of us got married young or have kids because it allowed for us to grow closer than most siblings ever get the chance to. Now that I feel like I got some healthy family interaction and I do not have to worry about all of them as much I am ready to go out and explore myself.

The funny thing about all of my thoughts about what college would be like and my questions whether I would of enjoyed college life full time anyway- these don't matter now. Because in a few short months I'm graduating anyway and will hold that very same piece of paper I would be no matter where it came from, and I'm proud. But as stressful as picking a college seemed it was nothing compared to how I feel now trying to pick a life.

When I sit in a quiet place in my mind I am perfectly aware that I need to take things one day at a time and let things unfold, but that scares the hell out of me. It should make me feel better, but maybe I really don't trust, maybe I'm not patient...And more than maybe I don't want to end up like everybody else!! I'm so afraid that if I don't take action I will fall into something I hate, something I dread, something I will regret.

I want it all, but don't exactly know what that looks like- So where do I start?

What do I want to be? There are so many things what if I haven't found it yet? How do I look so I have the possibility of finding it? All I know is I want to know everything there is to know, I want to try everything, see everything and breathe air from every perspective I can find.

I guess for now I'll try to go to that quiet place, while keeping an eye open for every opportunity that might lead me to where I'd like to be.

Life is a never ending journey, then you are dead. So why am I so desperate to get to a place where I can stop and look back on my life, instead of looking forward to it...

A New Again

Another year has come again and it is time to reflect on 2011 and happily plan 2012, the year I graduate college and therefore will naturally be filled with excitement and a touch of anxiety. Any day we can wake up and say "this is the first day of the rest of my life." We must not forget about the numerous chances we get to turn our life around. But New Years is special because it feels like a fresh start. It gives us a tangible place to stop one thing and start another. Somewhere between February and December (Closer to February) we lose our way again and New Years once again appears to give us another year of life and another chance to start living it. The reason this New Years post is coming to you so late is because my New Years was nuts and since I just got settled into my new apartment, my year really starts now.

So lets reflect on my year: Here are my goals from last New Years, a year and 15 days ago.

- Travel to two countries

Two Countries... I traveled to 5! What an amazing year of traveling! I accomplished my little girl dream to study abroad and lived in another country completely immersed in something different, uncomfortable and still beautiful! I breathed Italian culture until there was nothing else to do but adjust. At first I was stagnant and missed home, but by the end of it I had changed and my lungs miss Italy so much. I stood in the coliseum, I drank wine and watched the sun set over the massive Duomo. I rafted, kayaked and zip-lined in the beautiful Costa Rica. I got to visit a dear old friend in Sweden and we traveled to the beautiful almost toy-like city of Prague. In every country I went to I laughed and met such neat people and most importantly, I grew... I'm stronger, more patient, and more appreciative of other cultures and my own.
- Read 26 books

Kevin surprised me with a nook which I am obsessed with so reading will only get easier-and much lighter to move. lol. I did not do a very good jobkeeping track of the books I read this year, and if I don't count text books I'm not sure I quite made it to 26, but here are a few;

Flipped- Adorable

Sarah Dessen- (Specifically The Truth about Forever) From reading the backs of these books I thought I might be a little too old for these, but there is always something to be learned from every book at every age and I enjoyed them very much.

The Hunger games Series; OH MY GOODNESS, the only way I could of read these books any faster is if I literally threw them in a blender and shot them into my vein, and believe me I would of. Once I picked up the first book I was a goner.

Water for Elephants- Really enjoyed and got to watch the movie on my way home from Italy.

I think I read The Help this year, maybe last, but loved it of course. Any story where the lead character is a courageous educated woman that has more in her plans than marriage resonates with me!

- keep getting good grades

As of right now I will be graduating with a 3.98, So I think I accomplished this incredibly vague goal.

-take dance

unfortunately this is something I can't seem to find. But I did fall in love with Yoga and went 3 times a week. Although I still would like to dance this year.
- learn an instrument well

This is on my list every year and I'm afraid it will continue to be. But I did learn 3 songs on the Ukelele this year and wrote two songs on the Piano.
- take a road trip

This May my love and I drove to Chicago and had an amazing experience rain and all, more to that story.
-do something that makes me uncomfortable

For this one I am going to once again say living in Italy was uncomfortable. But also I interviewed for a serious job and I knitted! Maybe it sounds strange that that could be uncomfortable but it didn't come easy to me.

- write a book

Although I continue to write, the task of writing a whole book just hasn't come together yet. Each book idea seems to be missing pieces. Maybe the perfect story hasn't come to me yet, or maybe when I have more time after school is over I can dedicate my whole self to some other ideas.
- Work on my spirituality

Still searching, praying, meditating and trying to be in touch with the universe and my creator.
- Smile everyday

Thanks to Kevin, this is almost possible.

- finish all my scrapbooks

Let's be serious how is this even possible when I do so many cool things...darn!
- Stop being angry-forgive, forget, figure out, understand, move on

One thought at a time...

- Cook more meals

I've been doing so well! I even ate Gluten and Dairy free for three weeks! I love cooking and now that I have the support from my boy and an adorable kitchen again I will only get better.

It was truly an amazing year. Right now I am incredible happy in an adorable apartment with my love. But for the first time the road is not laid out in front of me this next year and I can run any direction I please. I'm scared as hell but I'm trying to remind myself how exciting this is! So here are my goals, dreams, hopes for this upcoming year.

-Continue to work out and train for the Camino- I just signed up for an athletic club down the street and am very excited to try more yoga classes and keep running. Last year I got to where I was running a mile and a half, it sounds pathetic, it is, but I was proud. But this year I would like to be able to run three miles.

- Walk the Camino- If you don't know what this is google it. Not much of a reader? Watch The Way. I'm not sure if I'll be able to work it into this year or next. But I want my life to be more meaningful and I want to push myself. This would be an amazing challenge and something that would make my feet burn and my body uncomfortable, and something I could be proud of- hopefully enlightening.

- Once again I'd like to make it to at least 2 countries. I recognize traveling will only get harder to do and to afford but I have to make it happen. "Someday" has never been a word in my vocabulary and I know I will continue to find a way to make it happen. I'd really like to do a volunteer program.

- Graduate- obviously

-Take the GRE

-Figure out what I want to do (for right now) and if that includes Grad-school get into a great one in another state.

- Go out more- I've focused on school and it has paid off, but it's time to have fun and say yes to a crazy night.

- Cook even more!

- Read 26 books and keep track!

- Keep writing! Maybe this isn't my year to write a whole novel either, but I'm sure gonna try.

- Keep playing- any instrument, all instruments.

- Knit well enough to make things. Maybe a simple scarf or something with a round needle.

- Scrapbook my childhood and give myself the baby book I never had.

- Buy a sewing machine.

- Get my life organized.

- Learn to trust there is a bigger picture unfolding in front of me and my life will be beautiful.

- Master Swat on Halo.

- Do more volunteering locally.

- Meet with friends more often.

-Be open to making more friends.

-Be a better listener.

- Go on more hikes and do more things in Colorado in general.

- Go to another state.

Here's to another beautiful year of life living, loving, learning and laughing!

Finding a purpose and contentment.

Lately every moment is a struggle for me. Every breath seems like a waste and I wish I could float away altogether. I don't see the point of life. I can't live like this, my heart physical hurts. I need to find a way to make my life more meaningful. Traveling won't cut it, I can't afford to constantly be gone. And if I always have to run away to be happy then that is not a long term solution anyway. So I am making a list of things I am seriously going to do in order to make my life more meaningful and hopefully have a purpose. I'm not sure how exactly this will help, but I have to take my mind off of hating life. Distract myself from feeling alone and empty.

Body

- If you feel better physically you have more energy to work on yourself mentally.

1. Continue to do yoga 2-3 times a week. Work myself hard. (I think exercise is a powerful medicine, but alone it doesn't seem to be doing the trick.)

2. Get a membership with Kevin and go together. (I love working out, but sometimes I get tired of doing everything alone, especially when I am the only one at the gym on a Saturday night)

3. Run everyday- Even if it is just a little. My goal is to eventually be able to run 3 miles. I know it does not sound that hard, but running is difficult for me.

4. Learn how to cook healthy dinners and cook 3 times a week.

5. Take dance lessons

Mind

6. Simplify my life. Try to get closer to just owning the necessities. Everything I own is reflected in my mind and clutters it up constantly. It's like everything I own I carry around on my back. I want to feel light and not weighed down by things!

7. Learn Spanish. I want to feel like a powerful, independent, strong, intelligent person, I think being bilingual would really support this image.

8. Take piano lessons. Music is the cure to a hurting heart.

9. Work on a novel. Take one of my ideas, any one and write a page a day. This would give me a solid book in less than a year. It never has to be read by anyone else, I just want to know I can do it.

10. Keeping reading! Read for 20 minutes every night before I go to bed.

11. Get a job, something with not very many hours that I don't dread so I can derive some self-worth again

12. Get my TEFL certificate.

Soul

13. Go to a church, any church, and go there with an open mind.

14. Meditate everyday

15. Go on more walks/hikes in the summer

16. Buy new furniture and arrange my apartment in a way that fits my zen. I want to come home to a place that makes my soul happy. A place that is clean, organized, stylish, and simple.

17. Volunteer

18. Buy a puppy, train it, walk it, and love it.

19. Plan my next trip for the summer.

20. Make an effort to see my friends more often.

21. Try something new every Friday night with Kevin- date night.

22. Accomplish all the things on your mind right now.

Finish Scrapbooks

-Costa Rica

-Italy

- Family

Perfect Boxes and Morning Foxes.

I woke up with a dream, the most terrible dream. I woke up in a nightmare. About my beautiful grandfather, who has Alzheimer's disease in real life. We were at a family get together. All the sudden my grandfather spoke, it was correct. He was remembering, remembering things I don't even remember telling him. "Yes!" I screamed. "Mom Mom, Did you hear that? Everyone did you hear?" But no one looked, no one hardly cared or noticed. "But he's remembering." I cried in desperation. "You're missing it, he's remembering." Nobody turned, and as if only fueled by attention and support he slowly stopped remembering. His wrinkly face sunk into a frown, his eyes glazed over, and he faded away. All because no one cared...

When I awoke I was overwhelmed with grief. I often wake up crying. But it was a beautiful day and the birds were chirping good morning so I decided to take a walk. I snuck out of bed and put on my shoes. I walked across the street, across the park, and into the most beautiful neighborhood. Nothing too special or elaborate, just simple and beautiful. I heard the silliest birds making the silliest most beautiful noises. Were they calling for mates? Saying good-morning? Early spring and all the lawns were already beautiful. Quiet, but comfortable. A few people were even out working on their landscape, making this neighborhood even more delightful. I knew the people were just waking up inside, and although you never know what goes on behind closed doors, I couldn't dream that these people had anything less than a delightful life. The bushes were trimmed, little statues in their gardens. A boy with a backpack ran out of his house ready for school followed by what I inferred to be his grandfather. "Good morning!" he waved to me from across the road. Echoed by the small boy who was cheerful as ever. "Morning." I yelled back a bit surprised. My heart skipped a beat. I wanted to pick a house with no paint chipping, and the lawn smelling freshly mowed and run to it. I wanted to burst in the front door and be home. I wanted my mother to be cooking breakfast, and my father to kiss me on the forehead. I wanted everything I had and hadn't had from my childhood and I wanted it bad. I wanted my siblings and I to joke with our parents while we all ate around one big table. But friendly harmless joking, nothing mean or hurtful. I wanted to eat off the same dishes I had eaten off of for years. I wanted to talk about our plans for the day. I wanted everyone to be happy. I wanted... Then I remembered...Remembered waking up alone, to no breakfast, to an empty house.

When I returned home to tell of my walk I couldn't bare to go inside and leave my bird friends and the fresh spring air. So I set up my space outside on my porch, one of the first times I had sat out there. While I wrote I heard a small rustle behind me. I turned to see a little furry creature crawling under the fence. Cat? It only took half a second for me to realize this beautiful creature was a fox. Sleek and red with a cute little nose. He startled me and I made a little screech. One second our eyes met he shook and away he went faster than he had come. Dare he come back? His morning ritual ruined. Forever? I hope not. I continued to shake for I wasn't sure if you could trust a fox, but I knew he was in a bush somewhere shaking as well. I'm not sure if I hope my little friend comes back or not, but it was delightful to see him.

A Moment of Appreciation

Do you ever feel like the rest of the world is crazy? Like I'm talking absolutely nuts! All you want to do is go to your own little place, slam the door shut, and pretend they don't exist. Then...one day, hopefully, if you're lucky, you find someone you can stand for long periods of time. Someone who not only isn't crazy, they make you a little less crazy. Then when you come home and shut the world out they are helping you close the door. Inside your little sanity sanctuary the world is a beautiful place. You laugh together, cry together, and u r happy there.

Lately I've seen a lot of people who have partners that are driving them insane. The person who is supposed to be their best friend, their confidant, their foundation has been put on the other side of that door. First this makes me extremely sad. I never want to come home without anyone to completely let loose with and confide in about the outside world, because without validation it will appear I am the only one who is crazy. Second because I know instead of solving the conflict, or leaving, they will stay gridlocked, at a standstill, some for the rest of their lives. I care about them too much to see either one be so alone.

Second this made me think about the theory of deprivation. This states how deprived we feel is based on our comparison group. Well standing next to some of these couples, I feel like the wealthiest person on earth. There will always be couples who appear to have more figured out, and those that have much less going for them. And there will always be problems in every relationship, some that are really difficult, some we invent, and some we exaggerate. But it is important to always step back, and realize if the love of your life is on the same side of the door as you, then you really have something to be thankful for.

--I am grateful that I do not have to face this world alone.

Happiness

Life is so interesting. Often I find myself asking what, in this life, will make me happy? And then inevitably, what is happiness? Is it a choice? State of mind? A fulfillment of your life purpose or an inner desire? Is it having everything? Is it thinking you have everything? Is it always temporary? Do we lose it by comparing ourselves to the sample of people who have "more" than us and always will? I find myself looking for it all to often. I always say, "As soon as I get there I will be happy." But I have run out of "theres" and I want to be happy now. I feel as if I am meandering aimlessly through life just trying to plan things to keep myself always looking forward to something. But I'm at a loss. The happiness from the things and trips I buy does not outlast the buyers remorse. The happiness I get from being with friends and family does not carry over into the time I spend alone. It is easy to pretend to smile but I miss laughing. It is easy to shut the door, but I can't turn off my brain. I'm just a mess. I spend all my time worrying about people, and thinking of how I can help them and what I could of said differently or shouldn't of said at all. I'm driving myself crazy. I know my happiness should not be dependent on the actions and happiness of those around me but it is right now. I look around and see all the people who are hurting and ruining there own lives and realize I am helpless. I feel as if all the sadness of the world weighs down my shoulders and seeps into my spine flowing through my toes and back up my front till it grabs my heart, fills my throat, and if I start to cry I fear I will never stop. Then I get even more sad because I feel no one will ever have this much care for me, and hearts do not go out for me like mine goes out to them. I fear I am misunderstood and cannot express the real me because if I did I think, I hope, that everyone would like me. And I do not understand why certain people do not appear to, and am not sure why I care. Maybe I should join the world and only care about myself and look out for number one. Maybe I should only put energy into caring about people who appreciate it and will give it back to me. Maybe I should go live in another country and put all my energy into helping people that do not have water or a home to sleep in. I have a lot on my mind and over-think life. I am afraid of others reading my concerns, but even more afraid that no one will read them. So I remember why I started a blog in the first place and it is to work through things that are in knots in my head and maybe, possibly, to find others who have the same thoughts. So although I neglect my blog, and more often then not, do not post what I do write, I need to get these out of my head and get my sanity back. I could write forever and have lots of things to work through at the moment but I will end it with this.

Dear God, I have struggled with believing in you and have often felt ignorant when I do. But I have everything and something is missing in my life. Please help me realize what that is, if it is you, or my purpose, or if I'm trying to control to many things that are out of my control. Please help me stop trying to help people that are not asking for it. Please help me stop being angry with the people who do not want to change, and to stop being angry with the people who have hurt me. Help me forgive, help me forgive myself. Help me find peace, and set me free. Use me for something greater for people who are willing to change and need my help.
Love, Carrie

A New...

What an amazing year it has been. I have learned a lot, grown a lot, and seen a lot.

My favorite 2010 Memories:

- Watching magnificent lightening fill the sky at the lake.
- Fitting 9 people into a random car when we couldn't find a taxi.
- Watching a Santorini Sunset
- Cliff jumping in Ios
- celebrating four years with the love of my life in Estes Park
- Staying in bed-in the living room- all day beating Mario Kart
- Moving into a bigger place
- Appreciating the most beautiful fall I have ever seen
- Everyday I spent with my family
- Making many breakfasts with my boy
- Driving to Cali for the weekend with my brother
- Breaking my nose!
- Watching the best Rockies game ever with my favorite people

Things I'm proud of in 2010:
- Setting a number of books to read-and doing it
- Finishing a horrible semester with all A's
- going to another country by myself
-going to the gym more
- Getting eye surgery
-

Now I'm not going to make new years resolutions because I don't want to join to rest of the world in giving up after two weeks but I will make dreams and goals for this upcoming year:

- Travel to two countries
- Read 26 books
- keep getting good grades
-take dance
- learn an instrument well
- take a road trip
- do something that makes me uncomfortable
- write a book
- Work on my spirituality
- Smile everyday
- finish all my scrapbooks
- Stop being angry-forgive, forget, figure out, understand, move on
- Cook more meals

I have been trying to make the switch from always trying to better the world to just focusing on bettering myself. I always wanted to help people, but it's tearing me apart. This year I am just going to remove negative people from my life altogether. I am going to make the most of this year, the most of this life. I'm learning everyday just how many things are out of my control, but there are many things that are, and I will always make the best out of the pieces the universe gives me.

So 2010, it has been a pleasure. Hello, 2011, please teach me, challenge me, support me, and show me all of the beauty this world has to offer.

"I am a child of the universe, no less than the trees or the stars, I have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to me, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

Going For It!

After stressing more than I ever have over this, I took a breath, and submitted my deposit. eek! I have to make this happen is what I landed on. This has been my dream forever and why let it slip away? I have to do this simply as a chapter in my life. I crave adventure and growth, and the people in my life seem to hold me back with negative energy. The wonderful people (and boy) I love more than anything will be here when I get back. So what if my student loans increase exponentially, life's too short not to do the things you love and that make you happy. Why else are we here? To climb the corporate ladder? To get the most consumer goods? Doubt it...

So this is a little bit of a leap for me. A leap towards something, and away from other things, but in the end I believe I will grow big enough to catch myself from falling. If we get too comfortable we don't take risks and grow, and in the end of our lives would we be okay with that complacence we chose? I choose to jump... It's scary but wonderful.