Wondering Away

It was always my dream to go to college. For some reason I had it in my mind that everything was wonderful in that magical place and that is where I belonged. Somewhere somehow I ended up at some commuter college that anyone with a GED could get into. It wasn't that I wasn't smart enough to go to a famous university, it's just my poorness to smartness ratio wasn't in my wallets favor to afford one. Besides I'm white, and let's face it, that's becoming more and more of a disadvantage these days. If any of you ever find a scholarship that reads;

Are you an average white female with good grades and no interest in becoming a nurse or an engineer? Are both your parents living, have normal occupations and are considered middle class but can barely afford the cost of books? Do you have little to no community service and did I mention white? If so here is $5000.00!

...please let me know. But the funny thing about life is I made choices and was given different things because of those. I got to travel which is something I could of never afforded to do without a small tuition. And now it is something I'm absolutely in love with that makes me feel alive. I got to experience a silly teenage romance blossom into a love that might possibly make it to rocking chairs on the porch. This is not the kind of thing that tends to happen when your roommate is sneaking boys into your dorm at night, and at parties you ask yourself if making out is considered cheating. And I got to get to know the family that my dysfunctional hectic childhood never allowed. I thought I wanted to run away from them, but now I know I just wanted to be with them more. I feel lucky that none of us got married young or have kids because it allowed for us to grow closer than most siblings ever get the chance to. Now that I feel like I got some healthy family interaction and I do not have to worry about all of them as much I am ready to go out and explore myself.

The funny thing about all of my thoughts about what college would be like and my questions whether I would of enjoyed college life full time anyway- these don't matter now. Because in a few short months I'm graduating anyway and will hold that very same piece of paper I would be no matter where it came from, and I'm proud. But as stressful as picking a college seemed it was nothing compared to how I feel now trying to pick a life.

When I sit in a quiet place in my mind I am perfectly aware that I need to take things one day at a time and let things unfold, but that scares the hell out of me. It should make me feel better, but maybe I really don't trust, maybe I'm not patient...And more than maybe I don't want to end up like everybody else!! I'm so afraid that if I don't take action I will fall into something I hate, something I dread, something I will regret.

I want it all, but don't exactly know what that looks like- So where do I start?

What do I want to be? There are so many things what if I haven't found it yet? How do I look so I have the possibility of finding it? All I know is I want to know everything there is to know, I want to try everything, see everything and breathe air from every perspective I can find.

I guess for now I'll try to go to that quiet place, while keeping an eye open for every opportunity that might lead me to where I'd like to be.

Life is a never ending journey, then you are dead. So why am I so desperate to get to a place where I can stop and look back on my life, instead of looking forward to it...