Today, not even kidding, in the middle of a song, my i-tunes switched to one of the few christian songs I have on my computer....and I jammed out to it! Well hello God, got the message, and yes I'd like to invite you back into my life.

Trying everyday to grow, find myself, and find what makes me happy. So far I figured out being healthy equals a must! Going to the gym, although starting slow, is so nice. I get to look in the mirror and see all the things I know shouldn't be there, but then I just smile because it feels good, and that's what matters.

I love writing poetry, nothing complicated, and I stopped trying to rhyme...okay maybe not poetry, but small clips of writing that quietly scream the thoughts in my head. I love it.

I dyed my hair. It's awesome. It sucks that your appearance affects your mood so much, but it does. If you are down, a physical change of any kind can definitely lighten your mood.

School's a little, I don't know, repetitive this semester, but I'm thriving on the books I am reading.

My world gets more and more beautiful everyday! I can't get over this season and all the colors. It takes my breathe away everywhere I look!

We are all lost in this life, but when I accept that and hold on to all the beautiful things, all that matters is finding what happiness means to you, even if you're unsure of who you are;

Tea with a friend
A bright red tree
A new hair color
A good book
A perfect cuddling position on the couch
A rainy day...

Too Excited to Write Well or Say Much...

Soo much to say! New place, new internship, new minor, new job...if I can find the time. lol.

I am so enjoying making my life all that I can right now. I am in love with my internship! It lets me do what I love most, helping people. I get to be the mentor I never had, someone these girls can aspire to and look up to, someone who is not Lindsey Lohan or Miley Cyrus. I am so excited to see these girls have a complete change of their self-concept. I cannot wait to struggle with them to win the fight against negative body image, low self-esteem, no direction, no inner strength or identity. I cannot wait to see what they teach me and how much they inspire a growth in me. Sure I'm not a morning person and haven't woken up this early in *cough* 4 years *cough*, but it's totally worth it. This may be what I want to do with my life: Teach our youth the importance of communication, and positive self-image, give them strengths, goals, and knowledge of consequences. I'm so excited I stumbled into this.

I'm proud of myself for the first time in a long time. I went through an interview, yikes, and got the job. Applied for my internship, stressful, and disciplined myself to go to all the training, and I keep finding ways to make school fun and exciting so I can finish on time. Self-confidence is so hard to come by and many of us get broken down constantly from the media, others and mostly from ourselves, and my internship has taught me how important it is to simply, like yourself.

Now if I could only get to the gym regularly! goodness!

CHANGE: get used to it

We always seem to think that one day we will fall in love and that's it! The screen will flash black and "happily ever after" will be scribbled across it in pretty cursive and we will live our life forever in that state. But the funny thing about relationships is they are constantly in a dialectical flux. They are constantly changing and cannot be determined or finalized...ever! In fact everything in life is always changing.

Lately you could say I'm experiencing all the dialectical tensions in the book. I have learned all about relationships and could give you tons of theories to capture all of the aspects and complexities, and although I understand them even better now that I'm going through them, they aren't really helping me. Maybe just being able to define the problem quicker will put me ahead, but the answer is still no where to be found.

I am feeling things I have never felt before and cannot explain or control them. It's super frustrating. It has been said multiple times that the artist must give himself over to his emotions and work if he is to ever make something great. Well I don't want to turn my disconsolation into artwork, I don't want to sacrifice my life and happiness to make great works. So why am I still totally controlled by my emotions? Why do they effect everything I am and do? But most importantly why are they there and how do I get rid of these particular ones? Especially if I don't understand them.

Basically I'm starting to see how much a relationship changes constantly, and when I feel I have a grasp on mine, well something new is thrown into the mix. It's making more and more sense why the majority of relationships don't make it. So I don't understand the new things I have to go through, and I can't anticipate what will come tomorrow, but I know love is what will get me through a lifetime of changes within myself and my relationship, and I have plenty of that.

So although we wish we could stay in our head-over-heels-honeymoon phase forever it quickly ends, as do all the phases after that. Life doesn't work that way, and at the risk of beating a dead horse, the only thing that is constant is change. But in the end would we truly want things to stay the same? That would just be boring and take a lot of the fun out of everything. Oh the stability vs. change dialectic, the paradox that will forever leave us tossing and turning.

A Heap in Woolf's Clothing

Please read/follow my second blog if you have time. Thanks! http://discovertheadventure.blogspot.com/2010/09/oh-fall.html

I am really enjoying reading old works of literature and learning about amazing women writers, some with such tortured souls.

Book #16: My Antonia by Willa Cather: Maybe I'll write about this later. lol

Book #17: A Room of One's Own by Virgina Woolf

As I read this new seeds of thought were constantly being planted in my head and they grew into ideas that challenged and excited me. There are many things I would like to write about but one that I can't seem to stop thinking about is anger's place in literature, in writing. Woolf seems to take the stance that anger negatively affects a work. That it makes women, people in general “...write in a rage where she should write calmly. She will write foolishly where she should write wisely. She will write of herself where she should write of her characters” (Woolf, 70). I'm struggling with how I feel about this. There are many reasons to write; to inform, to persuade, for self indulgence, but I feel like nobody writes unless they are a little restless in their own lives. It is when someone is suffering, or confused, or seeking change that they are driven to write. This makes me feel like writing is driven by passion. It makes me feel like it is when someone is angry and puts themselves in their writing that good writing gets down on paper because they are motivated. Then I truly thought of the craft of writing, how if you do want social reform, or to get people thinking, you cannot shove it in their face because the rebellious human nature will make sure they do not digest it. Writing needs to be done in a way that is strategic and clever, that circles around the idea so the reader can stumble across it themselves. This is how anger can ruin writing. It gets in the way of a person's ability to plan, and choose their words carefully. But I am still not sure if taking yourself out of a work of writing is a good idea. I am not convinced it can be done at all, but once again I ask, “Why write if not to express yourself? Why write if not for a healthy outlet to release your anger and to direct your passion?” I write because I am restless, because I am angry and passionate, if I did not poses these things, maybe my writing would be better, but I fear I would have no motivation to write, and nothing interesting to write about.

In A Moment Everything Can Change

Life is so silly, right when I'm at my lowest self-esteem God decides to give me a little perspective. Well he doesn't so much give it to me as hit me over the head with it. It literally took a baseball smashing into my nose for me to get it. For me to understand how lucky and blessed I am and how much worse it could be...I look ridiculous right now by the way. This pain is a constant reminder how precious life is, how delicate we are. Life happens and in a moment everything can change and your life can be turned upside down. We should be thankful every moment, love fully, and try to never hold on to negative feelings, or leave a relationship poorly, or at least what we have control over. Sometimes we forget we are not invincible, but it wouldn't take much to wipe us right off this earth, and right out of so many people's lives. Be thankful for what you have, you could always have less, you could always go lower and God is not afraid to remind you of that. Well thanks God, I hear you loud and clear...but please please return me to my natural face.
Love, Carrie

If You Can Look Up, You Can Stand Up.

Low esteem usually starts with the outside world, but it thrives within you. When you start to recognize and remind yourself of your flaws it is a slippery slope to the bottom where you completely internalize everything and really start believing it. Not liking yourself is a dangerous place to be and a hard place to get out of, mainly because it is up to you, the person who believes you are not worth saving, to get you out. No one else can do it, and they shouldn't have to.

I don't know how I got into this state, but all that matters is how I get out of it. In order to find my strengths, I believe I need to identify where I'm weakest, then set goals.

Body/ Physical Appearance: Make a firm work out schedule and stick to it. Eat balanced meals and learn about health and vitamins.

Mind/career goals: Keep reading. Read more. Stop thinking about the future. Take more classes out of my element that challenge me so I can actually be proud of my good grades. Stop doubting what I'm doing and where it's going to take me. Get a job I enjoy. Get an internship.

Spirit/Beliefs: Go to a church on Sundays. Get involved with a college bible study. Read more philosophy on my own. Drink three cups of tea a day and have that be my peaceful reflective time.

Social life/ Interests: Take up a new hobby and take classes in it; Dance, Music, Art. Make health a hobby. Learn more about my existing hobbies. Try and find a youth group I feel comfortable in. Reach out to others. Make lunch dates with old friends. Make more travel plans.

Most importantly take a deep breath everyday and enjoy how beautiful life is. And be thankful that I am healthy, safe, and alive.

Knowledge

There's so much to learn I can't stand it! Not that I'm overwhelmed with learning it all, I just got to figure out a way to keep it all in my head. I literally feel like plugging my ears so it can't spill out!

Nothing is a more wonderful feeling to me than learning...well maybe the joy lies in the thinking aspect.

Today I was once again taken to new depths. Asked what I believed on things that I could talk myself in circles with all day. Told that until I know where I stand it is difficult to know where I'm coming from, knowing my full identity, and understanding myself as a communicator.
I love this wonderful thing called learning! I love when I'm reminded it truly isn't about grades or tests, it's about the pure and simple fact that we have a mind, mix it with the existence of information, and we get a desire, nah, a thirst for knowledge.

We are capable of soo much more! Right now I'm so disappointed with how society is set up, kids go to college, bullshit their way through, and get a piece of paper so they can move on to what's "truly important", getting a job and becoming a consumer. Screw that! Knowledge is the destination for me, I'm not passing through it on my way to get a bigger paycheck. Why is humanity trained this way, why is society set up this way. Bettering my career, that's great but superficial, bettering myself..that will last forever.

It has been such a long time since I updated about my reading list! There is so much to be said but I'm so caught up on the book I just finished I fear I can't write enough on the others. I have so many books I'm reading for my 19th century women literature class that I'm very excited about also.

Book #12: The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society: I think I already wrote about this one. But such an easy cute read that made me want to be apart of something, a community, and very much so made me want to travel to Guernsey. Well written, epistolary format, interesting view of a historical event that I've never thought about before, just simply wonderful.

Book #13: Animal Farm: Another book that just takes an hour or two and worth reading. Nice, short and to the point. One of my favorite books is 1984. Animal farm is a simpler version of a dystopia using animals. A book about how tricky forming a government is, how quickly things get out of hand, how human ignorance, greed and power will lead us to a downfall. It was fun recognizing the events in history Orwell was referencing. Such a neat way to look at them.

Book # 14: Stranger in a Strange Land: Started out so neat! What a cool rare perspective to view the world as. Such a beautiful innocence that viewed this superficial, materialistic sinful world. About halfway though the book it got weirder and weirder. It made me uncomfortable and although a lot of neat things were brought up; religion, freedom, knowledge, sex, enlightenment, gender roles, human limits... I was left feeling angry at the book. It seemed to challenge my morals and values and like anyone, when I feel my world being shaken, I get angry. This book was written well and said a lot of neat things. But I was not comfortable with this cult, their sexual practices and some other things that were brought up, but I think that was the point. The outside world in the book did not understand or support it either. Usually when you are faced with the inside view of something you did not previously understand it opens up your mind and you sympathize with this group. In this book I was standing with the rest of the world rejecting this new prophet and his practices, and I feel horrible for admitting that.

Book # 15: College Girl: This book hit me deep for some reason, it made me want to scream. I got to a certain point and I was overwhelmed with sadness and frustration that I just had to read the majority of it in one sitting because I needed it to get better before I could live again. Even though my life is different in many ways, I felt like I was this girl for some strange reason. It taught me a lot about me, life, relationships, relationships I've never understood before, ignorant people, and just college in general.

There are so many good quotes in all of these books that spoke to me, but since I update so rarely, I'm just going for the basics right now for my piece of mind. Will right more later! Just wanted to get this down quickly before I turn any more pages!