Finding a purpose and contentment.

Lately every moment is a struggle for me. Every breath seems like a waste and I wish I could float away altogether. I don't see the point of life. I can't live like this, my heart physical hurts. I need to find a way to make my life more meaningful. Traveling won't cut it, I can't afford to constantly be gone. And if I always have to run away to be happy then that is not a long term solution anyway. So I am making a list of things I am seriously going to do in order to make my life more meaningful and hopefully have a purpose. I'm not sure how exactly this will help, but I have to take my mind off of hating life. Distract myself from feeling alone and empty.

Body

- If you feel better physically you have more energy to work on yourself mentally.

1. Continue to do yoga 2-3 times a week. Work myself hard. (I think exercise is a powerful medicine, but alone it doesn't seem to be doing the trick.)

2. Get a membership with Kevin and go together. (I love working out, but sometimes I get tired of doing everything alone, especially when I am the only one at the gym on a Saturday night)

3. Run everyday- Even if it is just a little. My goal is to eventually be able to run 3 miles. I know it does not sound that hard, but running is difficult for me.

4. Learn how to cook healthy dinners and cook 3 times a week.

5. Take dance lessons

Mind

6. Simplify my life. Try to get closer to just owning the necessities. Everything I own is reflected in my mind and clutters it up constantly. It's like everything I own I carry around on my back. I want to feel light and not weighed down by things!

7. Learn Spanish. I want to feel like a powerful, independent, strong, intelligent person, I think being bilingual would really support this image.

8. Take piano lessons. Music is the cure to a hurting heart.

9. Work on a novel. Take one of my ideas, any one and write a page a day. This would give me a solid book in less than a year. It never has to be read by anyone else, I just want to know I can do it.

10. Keeping reading! Read for 20 minutes every night before I go to bed.

11. Get a job, something with not very many hours that I don't dread so I can derive some self-worth again

12. Get my TEFL certificate.

Soul

13. Go to a church, any church, and go there with an open mind.

14. Meditate everyday

15. Go on more walks/hikes in the summer

16. Buy new furniture and arrange my apartment in a way that fits my zen. I want to come home to a place that makes my soul happy. A place that is clean, organized, stylish, and simple.

17. Volunteer

18. Buy a puppy, train it, walk it, and love it.

19. Plan my next trip for the summer.

20. Make an effort to see my friends more often.

21. Try something new every Friday night with Kevin- date night.

22. Accomplish all the things on your mind right now.

Finish Scrapbooks

-Costa Rica

-Italy

- Family

Perfect Boxes and Morning Foxes.

I woke up with a dream, the most terrible dream. I woke up in a nightmare. About my beautiful grandfather, who has Alzheimer's disease in real life. We were at a family get together. All the sudden my grandfather spoke, it was correct. He was remembering, remembering things I don't even remember telling him. "Yes!" I screamed. "Mom Mom, Did you hear that? Everyone did you hear?" But no one looked, no one hardly cared or noticed. "But he's remembering." I cried in desperation. "You're missing it, he's remembering." Nobody turned, and as if only fueled by attention and support he slowly stopped remembering. His wrinkly face sunk into a frown, his eyes glazed over, and he faded away. All because no one cared...

When I awoke I was overwhelmed with grief. I often wake up crying. But it was a beautiful day and the birds were chirping good morning so I decided to take a walk. I snuck out of bed and put on my shoes. I walked across the street, across the park, and into the most beautiful neighborhood. Nothing too special or elaborate, just simple and beautiful. I heard the silliest birds making the silliest most beautiful noises. Were they calling for mates? Saying good-morning? Early spring and all the lawns were already beautiful. Quiet, but comfortable. A few people were even out working on their landscape, making this neighborhood even more delightful. I knew the people were just waking up inside, and although you never know what goes on behind closed doors, I couldn't dream that these people had anything less than a delightful life. The bushes were trimmed, little statues in their gardens. A boy with a backpack ran out of his house ready for school followed by what I inferred to be his grandfather. "Good morning!" he waved to me from across the road. Echoed by the small boy who was cheerful as ever. "Morning." I yelled back a bit surprised. My heart skipped a beat. I wanted to pick a house with no paint chipping, and the lawn smelling freshly mowed and run to it. I wanted to burst in the front door and be home. I wanted my mother to be cooking breakfast, and my father to kiss me on the forehead. I wanted everything I had and hadn't had from my childhood and I wanted it bad. I wanted my siblings and I to joke with our parents while we all ate around one big table. But friendly harmless joking, nothing mean or hurtful. I wanted to eat off the same dishes I had eaten off of for years. I wanted to talk about our plans for the day. I wanted everyone to be happy. I wanted... Then I remembered...Remembered waking up alone, to no breakfast, to an empty house.

When I returned home to tell of my walk I couldn't bare to go inside and leave my bird friends and the fresh spring air. So I set up my space outside on my porch, one of the first times I had sat out there. While I wrote I heard a small rustle behind me. I turned to see a little furry creature crawling under the fence. Cat? It only took half a second for me to realize this beautiful creature was a fox. Sleek and red with a cute little nose. He startled me and I made a little screech. One second our eyes met he shook and away he went faster than he had come. Dare he come back? His morning ritual ruined. Forever? I hope not. I continued to shake for I wasn't sure if you could trust a fox, but I knew he was in a bush somewhere shaking as well. I'm not sure if I hope my little friend comes back or not, but it was delightful to see him.

A Moment of Appreciation

Do you ever feel like the rest of the world is crazy? Like I'm talking absolutely nuts! All you want to do is go to your own little place, slam the door shut, and pretend they don't exist. Then...one day, hopefully, if you're lucky, you find someone you can stand for long periods of time. Someone who not only isn't crazy, they make you a little less crazy. Then when you come home and shut the world out they are helping you close the door. Inside your little sanity sanctuary the world is a beautiful place. You laugh together, cry together, and u r happy there.

Lately I've seen a lot of people who have partners that are driving them insane. The person who is supposed to be their best friend, their confidant, their foundation has been put on the other side of that door. First this makes me extremely sad. I never want to come home without anyone to completely let loose with and confide in about the outside world, because without validation it will appear I am the only one who is crazy. Second because I know instead of solving the conflict, or leaving, they will stay gridlocked, at a standstill, some for the rest of their lives. I care about them too much to see either one be so alone.

Second this made me think about the theory of deprivation. This states how deprived we feel is based on our comparison group. Well standing next to some of these couples, I feel like the wealthiest person on earth. There will always be couples who appear to have more figured out, and those that have much less going for them. And there will always be problems in every relationship, some that are really difficult, some we invent, and some we exaggerate. But it is important to always step back, and realize if the love of your life is on the same side of the door as you, then you really have something to be thankful for.

--I am grateful that I do not have to face this world alone.

Happiness

Life is so interesting. Often I find myself asking what, in this life, will make me happy? And then inevitably, what is happiness? Is it a choice? State of mind? A fulfillment of your life purpose or an inner desire? Is it having everything? Is it thinking you have everything? Is it always temporary? Do we lose it by comparing ourselves to the sample of people who have "more" than us and always will? I find myself looking for it all to often. I always say, "As soon as I get there I will be happy." But I have run out of "theres" and I want to be happy now. I feel as if I am meandering aimlessly through life just trying to plan things to keep myself always looking forward to something. But I'm at a loss. The happiness from the things and trips I buy does not outlast the buyers remorse. The happiness I get from being with friends and family does not carry over into the time I spend alone. It is easy to pretend to smile but I miss laughing. It is easy to shut the door, but I can't turn off my brain. I'm just a mess. I spend all my time worrying about people, and thinking of how I can help them and what I could of said differently or shouldn't of said at all. I'm driving myself crazy. I know my happiness should not be dependent on the actions and happiness of those around me but it is right now. I look around and see all the people who are hurting and ruining there own lives and realize I am helpless. I feel as if all the sadness of the world weighs down my shoulders and seeps into my spine flowing through my toes and back up my front till it grabs my heart, fills my throat, and if I start to cry I fear I will never stop. Then I get even more sad because I feel no one will ever have this much care for me, and hearts do not go out for me like mine goes out to them. I fear I am misunderstood and cannot express the real me because if I did I think, I hope, that everyone would like me. And I do not understand why certain people do not appear to, and am not sure why I care. Maybe I should join the world and only care about myself and look out for number one. Maybe I should only put energy into caring about people who appreciate it and will give it back to me. Maybe I should go live in another country and put all my energy into helping people that do not have water or a home to sleep in. I have a lot on my mind and over-think life. I am afraid of others reading my concerns, but even more afraid that no one will read them. So I remember why I started a blog in the first place and it is to work through things that are in knots in my head and maybe, possibly, to find others who have the same thoughts. So although I neglect my blog, and more often then not, do not post what I do write, I need to get these out of my head and get my sanity back. I could write forever and have lots of things to work through at the moment but I will end it with this.

Dear God, I have struggled with believing in you and have often felt ignorant when I do. But I have everything and something is missing in my life. Please help me realize what that is, if it is you, or my purpose, or if I'm trying to control to many things that are out of my control. Please help me stop trying to help people that are not asking for it. Please help me stop being angry with the people who do not want to change, and to stop being angry with the people who have hurt me. Help me forgive, help me forgive myself. Help me find peace, and set me free. Use me for something greater for people who are willing to change and need my help.
Love, Carrie

A New...

What an amazing year it has been. I have learned a lot, grown a lot, and seen a lot.

My favorite 2010 Memories:

- Watching magnificent lightening fill the sky at the lake.
- Fitting 9 people into a random car when we couldn't find a taxi.
- Watching a Santorini Sunset
- Cliff jumping in Ios
- celebrating four years with the love of my life in Estes Park
- Staying in bed-in the living room- all day beating Mario Kart
- Moving into a bigger place
- Appreciating the most beautiful fall I have ever seen
- Everyday I spent with my family
- Making many breakfasts with my boy
- Driving to Cali for the weekend with my brother
- Breaking my nose!
- Watching the best Rockies game ever with my favorite people

Things I'm proud of in 2010:
- Setting a number of books to read-and doing it
- Finishing a horrible semester with all A's
- going to another country by myself
-going to the gym more
- Getting eye surgery
-

Now I'm not going to make new years resolutions because I don't want to join to rest of the world in giving up after two weeks but I will make dreams and goals for this upcoming year:

- Travel to two countries
- Read 26 books
- keep getting good grades
-take dance
- learn an instrument well
- take a road trip
- do something that makes me uncomfortable
- write a book
- Work on my spirituality
- Smile everyday
- finish all my scrapbooks
- Stop being angry-forgive, forget, figure out, understand, move on
- Cook more meals

I have been trying to make the switch from always trying to better the world to just focusing on bettering myself. I always wanted to help people, but it's tearing me apart. This year I am just going to remove negative people from my life altogether. I am going to make the most of this year, the most of this life. I'm learning everyday just how many things are out of my control, but there are many things that are, and I will always make the best out of the pieces the universe gives me.

So 2010, it has been a pleasure. Hello, 2011, please teach me, challenge me, support me, and show me all of the beauty this world has to offer.

"I am a child of the universe, no less than the trees or the stars, I have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to me, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."