Book Seven Definately Not Heaven

Book #7= The Handmaids's Tale by: Margaret Atwood

This story was about my personal hell. It described a place I never want to go back to, not even in my head. A place where all my rights, accomplishments, and privileges were ripped out from underneath me. The sad thing is I know at one time our world was something of this, not as extreme, where women could not own property, have jobs, be educated, where they were valued on how fertile they were, how clean the floors were, how good their cooking was and if it was ready on time. I'm so thankful to live right now. I only want to be valued and judged for the thoughts that I think and the words that I speak. I want to be respected and listened to. The whole time I was screaming at the main character who would not speak up! We all think we would die for our beliefs, but most times our strong desire and will to live outweighs all. Today I can do and be so much, and I owe a thank you to the amazing women before me who did speak up for what they believed.

Once upon a time, things were different, we all had our places, and our roles. Then women broke out and redefined their role. I know this has caused great stress on men and what it means to be masculine. Men are not sure what their place is anymore. This is what sparked this world in the book, and it is scary because it does make sense, and makes it more realistic.

This book made me once more so thankful for the freedom I have right now. The fact that I get to go to college, that I really can be anything I want, even the fact that I can go anywhere whenever I want!

There has been so many horrible things in history done to so many people, there are horrible things going on right now. The fact that humanity is capable of doing such awful things with their own beautiful hands is frightening. We do not feel bad about the way we treat things, and that is exactly what we do to people much of the time. "That is what you have to do before you kill. You have to create an it, where none was before" (193). This is why objectifying women is such a big deal. In this I was reminded that we must always see each other as people.

Here are just a few of my favorite quotes:

"It's good to have small goals that can be easily attained."

"There is more than one kind of freedom. Freedom to and freedom from."

"A thing is valued, only if it is rare and hard to get."

"To want is to have a weakness."

"Perspective is necessary. Otherwise there are only two dimensions."

"The pen between my fingers is sensuous, alive almost, I can feel it's power, the power of the words it contains."

"Nolite to bastards carborundorum."

"Why is it that night falls, instead of rising?"

"You can't help how you feel, but you can help how you behave."

"You might even provide a Heaven for them. We need you for that. Hell we can make for ourselves."

"Better never means better for everyone. It always means worse for some."

"Live in the present, make the most of it, it's all you've got."

Your Turn to DO the Dishes!

Good Mornin and helllloo wind! U want some attention today I see.
I don't talk about my relationship much, and sitting in my apartment today being as happy as could be I was reminded of how good I have it. So today I wanted take a quick moment and appreciate it.

First why I love living with my boyfriend.
1) We are not afraid to tell each other what to do or when to clean, like I would be with other people.
2) When there is an unequal division of something, or one of us is messy, it's not a big deal.
3) The Reason I love living with him the most is because he is my best friend! I always have someone to play with! Whether it be video games, bored games, talking, or just making a snack at three in the morning, I always have someone to do it with! We have so much fun together and I hope we never forget to do these silly things when we are older.

Living with someone is a crazy new experience, especially for me. It's when you really learn things. After living with my boyfriend before marriage (Something most of my family is against...still stuck in the past I guess..understandable lol) I think it is a very good idea! Either that or premarital counseling seems like a must. Anyway if we can live together, I think this is huge!

You never know if you will make it in a relationship, sometimes you swear you will or you won't, but you never truly know. But as far as mine goes I know it could be successful and here is why.

1) We know the inner workings of each other's souls. We know each other's pasts and secrets and we are still here.
2)We are good at communicating: As soon as there is a problem we talk about it and move on.
2)We have the same goals! That is so important for a relationship.
* We are both determined to finish college, and can help each other through it.
* We both want to travel and explore.
* We both want to own a nice, awesome house as soon as we can.
* We both want the same number of children and agree on how to raise them and what values we would like to give them.
3) But motly I know we could make it because we have a great respect for who the other person is. We respect each other's dreams, and interests (I know I tease you about yours)

My relationship is far from perfect, and I know we are still young, but if I let myself believe in soul mates, he's mine...and that makes me so lucky to have.

What do you think?

Driving home one day I heard this on the radio; "Something, something, something, 5000 dollars." I quickly realized they were talking about egg donation. Although it completely weirds my whole family out, it got my seriously thinking. How many women find themselves wrapped up in life, trying to get to a stable point and figuring themselves out, then wake up and they are 35. This seems like something that could easily happen. Expecially in this generation when people aren't growing up as fast, when it's harder to be finacially independent, when it's rare to graduate college in 4 years. 35 seems so young to me! It's awful that it is already hard to have kids at that age.

Anyway I'm not sure how I feel about it, and ofcoarse the money would be great, but having someone running around out there with my genes seems...strange. I don't want a person wondering who their real mother is, mostly because I don't even feel like I could be considered that. But I think it is so messed up that the people who really take the time to get a career, and to find their true love can't have kids when they are often the ones who would make the best parents.

So I wanted to know what you guys thought about this. It's a strange thing, but it's a super amazing gift to give someone as well.

A Slipperly Slope

Tonight...

Tonight I write to you as someone who is naked. As someone who does not have things figured out and has her own problems. Because that's who we all are. We all get knocked down when we are sure of ourselves, we get taught lessons right when we think we know it all, and we get a reality check when we get lost in our dreams.

Tonight I feel defeated, and I'm not sure why. I feel like a hypocrite. I know I am just as inconsistent in my beliefs as everyone is. I know that I do not always practice what I preach, which includes being open minded, being educated before you talk, being consistent, being nonjudgmental. I judge others for judging all the time, that makes me no better.

Tonight I learned there is a difference between education and desensitization, which I think is a very important thing to learn.

Tonight I was reminded that there is always so much we do not know, and there is always so much more for us to learn.

I believe so strongly, and it makes me crazy. How can anyone believe so strongly when we all have so little proof.

I've always been so upset because throughout my life I have been there but not done that: I've been in situations, but I haven't really done anything bad. I have been tested, I've said no, I've tried things, and never had to try them again. But no one seems to respect that. People always want to hear about the people who said yes, who were overtaken by something and then won out in the end. Well tonight I realized that yes, it has taken a lot of guts for me to not go along with the crowd, but I have gained a lot of respect for people who have had to overcome a weakness. It is a slippery slope for anyone to get addicted. It could happen to anyone of us, and has happened to a lot of us. But we can overcome it, it's not easy, and it is something to celebrate, to be proud of, to recognize.

I guess what I'm saying is tonight I realized as hard as it was for me to say no, it is much harder to say yes over and over again until your not even the one making the choice anymore, and then to once again take control of your body and not turn back...

I know lots and lots of people who have had an addiction, and I am so proud, and relieved, of those who have beat it, and I will give endless support to those still fighting.

The Little Things

These pictures are from my lovely walk yesterday. I really wanted to show you my wonderful new friends Mr. and Mrs. Owl, but apparently my camera needs a really good zoom for that. They are so cool! Here you can kinda see one, but I'll return again with better equipment.

Here is the creeper view of me enjoying my peaceful walk.

lol, nice and short. A nice alternative to my all too often essay blogs. It must be the pictures that allowed me to write so little.

When it Snows in April, it's Probably a Good time to Stay in Bed

As the rain got quieter this morning while I lay in bed, I was disappointing that it had stopped. To my surprise I opened the window to find snow!..Oh Colorado!

I had the most delicious breakfast; an omelet, toast, my vitamins, and a Brown Cow yogurt! Oh Brown Cow you are amazing! At Natural Groceries I found a secret supply of them with every amazing flavor that I am even hesitant to tell you guys about. No offense, but every time I find them they seem to disappear. lol.

So today I decided to rant about texting. So Dear my generation...mostly. It drives me nuts. When you are with someone in person, be with them, do not always have your mind half somewhere else. It shows them you do not care about them, and that you are bored. If you have something to say to someone, just call them and talk for a few minutes, or send them a quick question and be done with it. When you are hanging out with people, give them your full attention. It is just rude and annoying when you are constantly texting. I apologize for anytime any of you have been talking to me and I have texted. I really try not to and I do not like how it makes the other person feel.

Also I wanted your guy's opinion on something. I wanted to ask you about sex..yeah! Being someone who has had christian ideals shoved in their face their whole life I fear I need other opinions. SO.. I see the people who have sex like it's nothing with everyone, I see people who make sex seem like the biggest deal in the world. I see relationships with and without it, I see people disspointed by it and bored by it. I see an immature society who makes it such a taboo topic. So basically my question to you guys is, Do you think its less important then we make it? Is it something that is just for having fun and making babies? Or is more meaningful than we make it? Is it really an amazing act of love that let's two people look into each other's souls?

I don't know why exactly, but I feel like it's really meaningful, and not such a big deal at the same time...just curious what others think about such a hot topic that we rarely talk about even though it is one of the only natural universal things about life.

Spring Rain...So Lovely

Listening to the spring rain and some quiet relaxing music...what a perfect thing to do. Went on a walk today and it was wonderful. I saw an owl and I think I'll bring my camera on my next walk to catch some of the beauty that now only exists in my mind...and of coarse the place where my walks take place. But since none of you have access to that right now I will show you.

I'm weird... that's pretty much all I can summarize about myself and my experiences. Why am I so distraught about everything. It's silly and such a waste of living. But I'm afraid that if I do not think about everything, and don't make choices, I will also end up wasting life. hmm... Do any of you know what you want to do, What you want to be? I feel like very few of us ever know.

I'm frustrated that I was always told I can do whatever I want to do. That does not help me at all, it just gets me confused. It should not matter what we do right? But it does. Not only do we spend much of our time at our jobs and should enjoy them, we are, whether we like it or not, defined by them. It is so frustrating, but really think about how many things people assume about you when they hear what you do.. .

My new mission..I've looked at many a lists of possible careers, but I am going to go job by job and cross of the things I know for sure I do not want to do.

Anyway, although I've been concerned about life lately, I am happy. Happiness, Ahh, what an interesting phenomenon. People always tell me happiness is a choice, and although I believe that to a point, that depresses me. There are times when you need to change your attitude, there are times when you should probably realize your lack of control of the situation and make the best of it, but most of all there are times when you should change your situation! If you are not happy it is often because we are not where we are meant to be...at least I believe this. If you read my blog you know I am not sure if we create our path, or if God ( or something) lays it out for us. Is there a plan for us? Well I'm not sure still, but either way you can feel when you are not being true to yourself, whether that self was self created or instilled.

I have such a difficult time knowing if our core self--the one deep down that we are much unaware of-- is something we are born with or not. If we are not born with a personality, we could hardly prove it because our personality is already shining through so young.

I'm still having trouble knowing exactly what I believe in. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I have way to much passion for someone without concrete beliefs. So lately I've been listening a lot more. The less you feel the need to respond, the more you really hear what others are saying.


On further news I really am enjoying life right now. Right now...that is exactly what I need to focus on more often. Right now nothing is wrong in my world, all the people I love are safe, all my basic needs are met..I guess this is why I have so much time for self-actualization. lol.

Also I am slowly building my self-esteem up again. It feels nice. I feel about ready to take another stroll outside of my shell, spend some more time with friends. I often get frustrated with people and choose its not worth it to go through all the trouble to hang out with them. But I realize that friendships/relationships are one of the most important things about living. It's also perfect timing to see friends do to the season..so good timing mind!

Anyway there are so many awesome and beautiful things and moments in each day. Like today going for a walk and laughing at my dogs chase prairie dogs, or like right now peacefully listening to the rain. We need to recognize these things. And although bad things are always easy to recognize, we need to recognize when we have the power to change them..and then do it!

Sunshine and Distractions

Motivation where are you?
I checked all the t.v. channels, I checked the couch, I checked the fridge, I even checked the shower, I checked the bed and stayed there just in case you would show up, I checked my book, and my wii, I checked the internet and my facebook, I checked outside.. you are just not in any of these places!

Maybe tomorrow I'll try checking my desk, or my textbook, or even my notes...but I doubt I'll find you there either.

3 more weeks of school..I love it I do but the outdoors and fun is calling my name!

You're Losing Your Mind, But I Hope You're Not Lost

Today I had a delightful spring day. The weather was beautiful and I went to Red Rocks with my gramps. Although my grandpa has a quickly fading memory, he never forgets to recognize and appreciate the beauty around him. It is inspiring really, very few people can stop and recognize how beautiful life is. I get very few chances to look in the window of his mind, so I am thankful for ever time. Today was one of those rare occasions and I really enjoyed it. He even reminded me multiple times to watch out for those twenty year olds who only have one thing on their mind. This cracked me up. Hearing his thoughts makes me realize that even though old people are often a little stuck in older and more ignorant times, he is a beautiful soul, and I'm lucky to know him, even if he has no idea who I am.

I work my booty off at my job. It is like being a server times 50. Everytime we turn boring empty rooms into an amazing glamorized event fit for Colorado's elite. We serve hundreds of people carrying tray ater tray of full and empty dishes until our arms shake and threaten to give out completely. We stand on our feet all night and run around trying to keep these rich people, the clients, and our managers happy until our feet are blistered and our legs are painfully sore. After that we totally strip the room breaking down tables and chairs and dealing with nasty dirty dishes and having to empty our disgusting trashcan sized slop bucket multiply times. After that comes more cleaning. The hardest part for me, is that this is most people's second and third job. That's insane! I am so lucky that I get to go to school. I never want to get stuck in a shitty job. Not all people have the oppurtunity to go to school, and I am so thankful I can. Anyway I do not mind working hard, I'm only complaing because it is like 10 jobs in one and I feel underpaid.

In other news I have 6 days of school left and I am so excited for the summer. I cannot wait to take every oppurtunity to explore hiking trails, and to be outside. :) And since this is the first summer I will be living with my love we will have so much time to have fun! Hopefully I can break myself from my boring sleeping habits and we can stay up all night adventuring, then wake up and make every breakfast food item we have in the fridge...awesome!

Now to write a twelve page paper....16 year old me would of never believed that I could write this much with so much ease. It makes me wonder what I will be able to accomplish in the future that seems impossible now...

Best Avalanche game ever tonight!

Oolong Teas and Shorts that can't Make it Past My Knees.

Went on a shopping spree yesterday for the first time in soo long! It is something I realized I would do much more often if my budget would allow it. Although every time I try on clothes I am reminded that my teenage body is no more. I realize size zero is a thing long of the past, and I find myself, more often than not, saying I need a bigger size and having the lady say "These were made small, but they will stretch, stick with the shorts that look like they were painted on." Maybe in different words. Although it's difficult, I realize it is part of life and I am normal..yeah. lol.

So anyway on my shopping spree I got some fun stuff! I got the coolest new toy...in my opinion, lol. I got this awesome tea maker where you let the tea brew in it, then you place it on top of a cup and it drains out..I'm not doing it justice, but it is sweeet! Anyway I also got some new Oolong teas to try and more healthy sugar...more slightly healthier sugar. I got some fun shorts that are made for sticks, and an adorable outfit that makes me look like I belong on a farm..I love it! I also got some rockin (who says that) yoga pants and some shape ups! (These items are to help me fit into my little tiny shorts which I mentioned previously.) And I got a cute little strapless dress which I worry about...Its just how do those stay up well on anyone? Constantly pulling them up is not attractive! Also If the strapless stress will fall down, then can't the strapless bra fall down with it. Anyway It probably will be worn with a regular bra, which defeats the purpose of it being strapless...whatever. So I had a successful shopping trip and now it is going to take me three shifts just to pay that off. lol.

I'll let you know how the shape ups go, but so far they are fun!

Oh boy

Guys...we all know them, they are the ones with penis's. So anyway all my life I have gotten along better with guys, and the majority of my friends are guys. I get to listen to them reminisce about "green sweater girl" and "the one with the face" and die a little inside that even my guy friends, who I consider good guys, talk like this. I watch them play video games for hours, which includes watching them draft players...Boooring! I even kick their ass at basketball once in awhile. Lately I find I'm feeling less like one of the guys, and more like one of the guy's girlfriends. I guess it was going to happen eventually where I outgrew their twelve year old maturities and the sports talk. I mean I want to be one of those cool chicks who loves sports trivia and watching sports center, I do, but I just can't support that crap. Hi, I'm an athlete, I'm an asshole and complaining because I only make 30 million dollars a year, how am I ever going to buy forgivness from my wife for all the cheating I do. When education in our country is getting screwed up the a-hole and teachers are being layed off like crazy. So anyway I'm not really relating to my guy friends lately, I don't relate to most girls cuz I don't like to watch Glee, I can't stand Twilight, and I'm not dying for some jerk Marine to pop a ring on my finger. I also generally don't relate to most kids my age because I don't like to get wasted every weekend. I wish I had some cool girl friends who liked to shop and paint their nails, then go play football. haha, goodness what a ridiculous rant this is.

Oh and I think I found a study abroad program finally! It goes to four countries which would be pretty sweet!

What makes me me?

Like most women I look in the mirror and tear myself to pieces. It's sick, and it's sad and it is no way to live. Why do we do this to ourselves. Since I cannot really change the way I was made, I wonder why lately I am so down on my appearance and why my self-confidence is dangerously low. It's interesting when you realize how many accomplishments it takes to build your confidence up, but I bet we can all peg a handful of events that totally tore us down. That's how i feel recently: stripped, and insecure in my own skin, and I don't like it at all. I realize that if I'm unhappy with my mirror image then it must be something within I must change.

All this time I wonder what I'm looking for, and the answer is myself I guess. But lately I feel lost. I second guess my beliefs and values, and sometimes don't even know who I am, or what makes me me. I say things and feel guilty or out of control of the words. So I decided to make a list of things I know for sure about myself so I can begin to put myself back together.

I like to create
I like purple
I like fairness
I like animals
I am a third wave feminist
I care about the planet
I love my family
I want to make a difference
I like being outside
I like to think
I like weather
I like appreciation
I like learning
I like being healthy
I like being active
I like reading/writing
I don't like disrespect
I don't like closed mindedness'
I don't like materialism
I don't like ignorance
I don't like cockyness
I don't like fake
I don't like jealousy
I don't like being envious

Those are things I know for sure about myself, some of the things that make me unique, or not.

Lately I don't relate or get along with anyone, especially people my age. I feel pretty alone. But friends are people that have things in common with you, so I think I have to know who I am before I can find people who will compliment my life and me theirs.

For now I am going to focus on figuring me out, acting nicer, and feeling better about myself.
I think this means cutting people out of my life that do not compliment me, and make me act a way I do not like.

For the rest of us, let's stop judging each other when it comes to appearance. Only when we stop mocking and judging others, can we stop judging ourselves, which would get rid of our biggest critic. We are all so much more beautiful then we often feel.

Book # 6

Book #5 will be written about in due time.
Book #6= Handle with Care by Jodi Picoult.

After reading 8 of Picoult's collection of books, she gives me, without a doubt, the most amazing experiences of any other author I have ever read.

In my opinion she is simply inspiring as a writer, and what she does is pure art. If I could be half the writer she is I would be content.

The way she crafts her ideas and sentences is poetry. How she uses events and simple actions to relate to the themes and morals of the story amazes me. She creates and fulfills the reader's desires at the end of every page and chapter with constant twists and turns.

She makes me feel so powerfully, like I have almost never felt before. Some books you cry for the characters, but in her books you cry with them, you laugh with them, you are part of the family, a member of the jury. In fact, her books make me feel so much that I cannot completely get back to reality until I am finished with the book. This is why I usually finish her 4-500 page books in 2 days.

I cry multiple times in her books, and at the ending, although I often find myself angry at her for putting me through that, I am so happy with the way she does end it. I always said that when I became an author I would end my books sad, raw, and real, and that is exactly what she does.

Anyway, Jodi Picoult is the closest thing I have to a hero, and I love to dive in the world she creates for me every single time, tears and all.

Rated R doesn't stand for Rainbows.

I know what you are thinking, two blogs in one day?! lol


I recently watched a movie called Watchmen. As I watched it I remembered the huge complaint parents had because there was a blue penis showing in the movie. Number one: Grow up! As I was watching the movie there was a huge amount of sick violence. If I was a parent, a little penis would be the least of my worries. Number two: the movie was rated R! The only reason your kids saw that movie was because you bought them a ticket to it! The media rates movies for a reason, if you let your kids see an R movie, then you cannot blame the media, it's your bad parenting. Parents say "there is nothing good for my kids to watch." Good, then don't let them watch anything. In fact, the best thing you can do for your kids is get them as far away from the media as you can! In fact, everyone should disconnect from the media.

Some parents make me so mad sometimes, especially the religious ones. They are always trying to change the world so that they don't have to be afraid of letting their kids go out in it. Well guess what, you can't change the world, all you can do is instill your children with strong values, let them go and hope you did your job. If the parent did a good job of teaching their children, and have faith in them, then they should have nothing to worry about. If a parent is worried about their children in the world, it is a reflection of how they trust their own parenting. If parents stopped trying to change the world and focused more on changing their children, then eventually the world would change. Ugh. lol... No one that should read this has access to it.

Anyway religion, so interesting. I'm amazed at how it really is just an expression of humanity's greatest concerns. I'm not here to challenged if religion is true or not, it's just interesting to study religion in relation to society and people's lives. It's weird how the majority of the church congregation are women, but the hierarchy of the church is always made up of men. A lot of religions prohibit women from holding top positions...seems wrong, seems like something women would not want to believe in. Also it is interesting how religion is a source of social control, and a source of freedom at the same time. A lot of horrible sick things have been done in the name of religion, but a lot of people have found strength in it to do great as well. All in all I do not know how I feel about religion, in relation to truth, suppression, and thought control, but for now I will continue to talk to god and search for spirituality.

Femiphobia and Ring less Fingers!

I'm a college student, I have a boyfriend, I shave my legs, I have hobbies and interests, I have male and female friends, basically when you look at me I am (quote unquote) normal in comparison to everyone else. So why in a class of 30 was I the only one willing to raise my hand when asked who considered themselves a feminist?

This made me so sad. We are college students, we are the educated, the elite, one step ahead of the rest of our generation. If we are unknowledgable and afraid, then the world is screwed when it comes to change. Feminist's are not man-hating dikes, hello you should know this! Just like every Muslim is obviously not a terrorist. Feminism is striving for political, social and economical equality among the sexes. Who could disagree with that? Here is the kicker, after people learn what feminism really is, they are still afraid to raise their hand. We all, especially young women should be proud to identify with being a feminist. It gives all of us, men and women, the power of choice, more respect, and equal pay for gosh sakes! I challenge those women who are afraid to associate with feminism to live the life of a 1950's housewife. Yuck! Anyway my new mission in life is to undemonize the connotation of the word feminism. If people are afraid of it, ashamed of it, then we are never going to change the world and make it a better place. Other people have an excuse of being ignorant, but college students? They should know better and I challenge each and everyone of them to step up!

On to my next topic. I just want to take a second and appreciate love. It is not always easy and not always butterflies, but everytime we make bacon at three in the morning, laugh till our sides hurt, have a realization that everyone is crazy but us, I realize how lucky I am to know love. What sparked this you ask? Well everyday I have this game where I look at people's left hands on the light rail coming home from school. So many ring less fingers, the majority in fact, based on my research. It sparks a lot of questions. Were they ever married? Were they ever happy? What went wrong? Are they happier single? Do they go home to an empty house? It just gets me thinking.

Last, I wanted to take a second to talk about self worth. We all need it, but the places we find it is different. Whether it be our family, our education/intelligence, our experience, our clean house, we all have something to prove to ourselves that we are worth something. It's so interesting to me why we need a material expression to show ourselves and the world that we have worth, but we do...

Readers: A wonderful women in my life is starting a new and dangerous treatment for her disease, please keep her in your thoughts and send positive vibes her way, thank you!

Life is filled with great sadness, and much joy, but I am alive and well and it is a good life through and through. Love ~Care~