Once Again Looking Back 2013

2013...hmm.

This was a different year for me. I started off this year working at a hospital. Every day I strutted down the hallway, swiped my badge and let it snap back to the clip attached to my pocket. The doors opened gloriously to restricted access zones and I felt important crossing over the red tape. I got dressed in an oh so pretty shade of blue, ill-fitting pair of scrubs, walked into my department and...cleaned blood off of instruments. Many days I blasted my music, that I was constantly ridiculed for by the "cool kids" of the sterile processing department, if there could be such a thing, and questioned my entire existence. Then there was the time I took off my gloves to find me bleeding my own blood and had no way of knowing which disease I had inevitably contracted.

The funny thing, while here, I learned a lot. For one, I learned how to have faith in the little. If I could roll up my sleeves and work hard with a good attitude, maybe God would reward me with more. I had a routine here, I met the strangest bunch of people I ever did meet and the funny thing is, I enjoyed their company, I called them family. I even got beer with them on Friday nights and brought in cake to celebrate their birthdays... and then I was asked to leave. As simple as that. Right when I had started to find my way, when I had learned all the hundreds of instruments and how to out prank the others, I was asked to go on account of a back stabber. Someone in the department had complained to HR that I was working with my brother and the nepotism wasn't fair. Apparently they are not familiar with this term because my brother was a freaking hard-ass on me, harder than anyone else in the department, mainly because he could prove I wasn't sick when I called in... which I do sometimes, sue me. And just like that I felt betrayed and was forced out of a gig that I was secretly starting to enjoy.

Then on my 23 birthday I took a call that stopped me in my tracks. My grandfather had died. My heart hurt more than it ever had. I had been so afraid of death, like literally I had been staying awake at night so afraid of being left on this planet by the people I love. Then it happened, and you know what, I heeled, I kept going. Life will always go on. My papa left me with so so much wisdom, he was a great man, but he left two pieces of advice consciously to his grandchildren; 1, Don't take yourself to seriously and 2. Go to church. Which I started doing more regularly.

In July I finally got to bring home the cuddliest silliest little bundle of joy. I finally got a puppy! He is perfect in every way and I learned so much about what kind of parents Kevin and I will be, how much joy awaits us with children, and how much conflict with the grandparents as well. 

Then my future sister-in-law brought a man to dinner and the second time we met him he asked for her hand in marriage. I would have to share my wedding spotlight with someone else, someone else who in my eyes had not earned the right to be promoted to this stage in their relationship yet. Like a child I was upset about it instead of being overjoyed by the fact that two more people had found love in this crazy world. I'm not proud of how I responded. I failed her, as a fellow human, as a friend, and as a sister. Now I feel nothing but happiness for her and the wonderful man she is marrying.

Then I lost patience and wondered if my boyfriend would ever ask me. I found an email in my fiance's inbox telling me exactly when, which happened to be later that week. I bet you can guess how that made me feel about snooping, yep, like I didn't deserve to be loved. But the thing is when I revealed this bit of information I didn't feel excitement like I always thought I would. All I felt was fear. I panicked. Marriage weighed heavily on my chest and I found it hard to breath. After all this trouble I had caused, what if I said, no??

Knowing it was coming made the day hard to enjoy, that and the horrible cold I had untimely been infected with. But when he did ask me I saw his mouth move and didn't hear one word he said. Despite all my worries I could do nothing but bawl and shake my head yes.

Then our life suddenly got very expensive and I got a job at a Victoria Secret. This was a test all in its own. Here I learned lessons that I had to learn, but it was not easy. Anyone who works at Victoria Secret can not afford to shop there. I found myself wanting things I didn't need and didn't even like! Everything was shiny and pretty and new colors were coming in constantly creating the illusion that I had to buy everything now! I started staying up at night making lists of things I was going to buy. It totally consumed me! Materialism consumed me. It went something like this; after I buy that I will be happy, I just need this, then I will be content. That's when I realized not only did I need to get out of there, I needed to get rid of all my stuff, literally. I returned lots of things I had bought and got rid of more clothes than I ever have. Through working at a store I learned to disconnect from things, which is one of the greatest lesson I have ever learned. It has created a whole new desire in my heart, to simplify.

Looking back on this year I originally thought it was an uneventful waste of a year, but now I realize just how necessary this year was to my personal growth. Through every job I have undergone, hated and quit I have learned so much and gained confidence. At Shur-Sales I quickly learned everything there is to know about industrial and fire equipment, at St. Anthony's I memorized hundreds of surgical instruments in a couple of months, and at Victoria Secret I mastered 10 different bras in a couple of weeks. These are all things I have no interest in, just imagine how quickly I could learn about something I love.

This year wasn't an easy one for me. I saw how sad life can be, I saw how ugly I can act, and despite my best efforts I was miserable at every job I took.

This next year I want to refocus my efforts on a meaningful life. I want to become a better person, I wan't to connect with people, I want to be a good wife and honor my husband the way he deserves, I want to give him the part of my heart I've never given anyone, I want to make the world a better place, and I want to be proud of who I am, not just what I've accomplished.

Cheers to 2014