A Moment of Appreciation

Do you ever feel like the rest of the world is crazy? Like I'm talking absolutely nuts! All you want to do is go to your own little place, slam the door shut, and pretend they don't exist. Then...one day, hopefully, if you're lucky, you find someone you can stand for long periods of time. Someone who not only isn't crazy, they make you a little less crazy. Then when you come home and shut the world out they are helping you close the door. Inside your little sanity sanctuary the world is a beautiful place. You laugh together, cry together, and u r happy there.

Lately I've seen a lot of people who have partners that are driving them insane. The person who is supposed to be their best friend, their confidant, their foundation has been put on the other side of that door. First this makes me extremely sad. I never want to come home without anyone to completely let loose with and confide in about the outside world, because without validation it will appear I am the only one who is crazy. Second because I know instead of solving the conflict, or leaving, they will stay gridlocked, at a standstill, some for the rest of their lives. I care about them too much to see either one be so alone.

Second this made me think about the theory of deprivation. This states how deprived we feel is based on our comparison group. Well standing next to some of these couples, I feel like the wealthiest person on earth. There will always be couples who appear to have more figured out, and those that have much less going for them. And there will always be problems in every relationship, some that are really difficult, some we invent, and some we exaggerate. But it is important to always step back, and realize if the love of your life is on the same side of the door as you, then you really have something to be thankful for.

--I am grateful that I do not have to face this world alone.

Happiness

Life is so interesting. Often I find myself asking what, in this life, will make me happy? And then inevitably, what is happiness? Is it a choice? State of mind? A fulfillment of your life purpose or an inner desire? Is it having everything? Is it thinking you have everything? Is it always temporary? Do we lose it by comparing ourselves to the sample of people who have "more" than us and always will? I find myself looking for it all to often. I always say, "As soon as I get there I will be happy." But I have run out of "theres" and I want to be happy now. I feel as if I am meandering aimlessly through life just trying to plan things to keep myself always looking forward to something. But I'm at a loss. The happiness from the things and trips I buy does not outlast the buyers remorse. The happiness I get from being with friends and family does not carry over into the time I spend alone. It is easy to pretend to smile but I miss laughing. It is easy to shut the door, but I can't turn off my brain. I'm just a mess. I spend all my time worrying about people, and thinking of how I can help them and what I could of said differently or shouldn't of said at all. I'm driving myself crazy. I know my happiness should not be dependent on the actions and happiness of those around me but it is right now. I look around and see all the people who are hurting and ruining there own lives and realize I am helpless. I feel as if all the sadness of the world weighs down my shoulders and seeps into my spine flowing through my toes and back up my front till it grabs my heart, fills my throat, and if I start to cry I fear I will never stop. Then I get even more sad because I feel no one will ever have this much care for me, and hearts do not go out for me like mine goes out to them. I fear I am misunderstood and cannot express the real me because if I did I think, I hope, that everyone would like me. And I do not understand why certain people do not appear to, and am not sure why I care. Maybe I should join the world and only care about myself and look out for number one. Maybe I should only put energy into caring about people who appreciate it and will give it back to me. Maybe I should go live in another country and put all my energy into helping people that do not have water or a home to sleep in. I have a lot on my mind and over-think life. I am afraid of others reading my concerns, but even more afraid that no one will read them. So I remember why I started a blog in the first place and it is to work through things that are in knots in my head and maybe, possibly, to find others who have the same thoughts. So although I neglect my blog, and more often then not, do not post what I do write, I need to get these out of my head and get my sanity back. I could write forever and have lots of things to work through at the moment but I will end it with this.

Dear God, I have struggled with believing in you and have often felt ignorant when I do. But I have everything and something is missing in my life. Please help me realize what that is, if it is you, or my purpose, or if I'm trying to control to many things that are out of my control. Please help me stop trying to help people that are not asking for it. Please help me stop being angry with the people who do not want to change, and to stop being angry with the people who have hurt me. Help me forgive, help me forgive myself. Help me find peace, and set me free. Use me for something greater for people who are willing to change and need my help.
Love, Carrie

A New...

What an amazing year it has been. I have learned a lot, grown a lot, and seen a lot.

My favorite 2010 Memories:

- Watching magnificent lightening fill the sky at the lake.
- Fitting 9 people into a random car when we couldn't find a taxi.
- Watching a Santorini Sunset
- Cliff jumping in Ios
- celebrating four years with the love of my life in Estes Park
- Staying in bed-in the living room- all day beating Mario Kart
- Moving into a bigger place
- Appreciating the most beautiful fall I have ever seen
- Everyday I spent with my family
- Making many breakfasts with my boy
- Driving to Cali for the weekend with my brother
- Breaking my nose!
- Watching the best Rockies game ever with my favorite people

Things I'm proud of in 2010:
- Setting a number of books to read-and doing it
- Finishing a horrible semester with all A's
- going to another country by myself
-going to the gym more
- Getting eye surgery
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Now I'm not going to make new years resolutions because I don't want to join to rest of the world in giving up after two weeks but I will make dreams and goals for this upcoming year:

- Travel to two countries
- Read 26 books
- keep getting good grades
-take dance
- learn an instrument well
- take a road trip
- do something that makes me uncomfortable
- write a book
- Work on my spirituality
- Smile everyday
- finish all my scrapbooks
- Stop being angry-forgive, forget, figure out, understand, move on
- Cook more meals

I have been trying to make the switch from always trying to better the world to just focusing on bettering myself. I always wanted to help people, but it's tearing me apart. This year I am just going to remove negative people from my life altogether. I am going to make the most of this year, the most of this life. I'm learning everyday just how many things are out of my control, but there are many things that are, and I will always make the best out of the pieces the universe gives me.

So 2010, it has been a pleasure. Hello, 2011, please teach me, challenge me, support me, and show me all of the beauty this world has to offer.

"I am a child of the universe, no less than the trees or the stars, I have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to me, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

Going For It!

After stressing more than I ever have over this, I took a breath, and submitted my deposit. eek! I have to make this happen is what I landed on. This has been my dream forever and why let it slip away? I have to do this simply as a chapter in my life. I crave adventure and growth, and the people in my life seem to hold me back with negative energy. The wonderful people (and boy) I love more than anything will be here when I get back. So what if my student loans increase exponentially, life's too short not to do the things you love and that make you happy. Why else are we here? To climb the corporate ladder? To get the most consumer goods? Doubt it...

So this is a little bit of a leap for me. A leap towards something, and away from other things, but in the end I believe I will grow big enough to catch myself from falling. If we get too comfortable we don't take risks and grow, and in the end of our lives would we be okay with that complacence we chose? I choose to jump... It's scary but wonderful.

Today, not even kidding, in the middle of a song, my i-tunes switched to one of the few christian songs I have on my computer....and I jammed out to it! Well hello God, got the message, and yes I'd like to invite you back into my life.

Trying everyday to grow, find myself, and find what makes me happy. So far I figured out being healthy equals a must! Going to the gym, although starting slow, is so nice. I get to look in the mirror and see all the things I know shouldn't be there, but then I just smile because it feels good, and that's what matters.

I love writing poetry, nothing complicated, and I stopped trying to rhyme...okay maybe not poetry, but small clips of writing that quietly scream the thoughts in my head. I love it.

I dyed my hair. It's awesome. It sucks that your appearance affects your mood so much, but it does. If you are down, a physical change of any kind can definitely lighten your mood.

School's a little, I don't know, repetitive this semester, but I'm thriving on the books I am reading.

My world gets more and more beautiful everyday! I can't get over this season and all the colors. It takes my breathe away everywhere I look!

We are all lost in this life, but when I accept that and hold on to all the beautiful things, all that matters is finding what happiness means to you, even if you're unsure of who you are;

Tea with a friend
A bright red tree
A new hair color
A good book
A perfect cuddling position on the couch
A rainy day...

Too Excited to Write Well or Say Much...

Soo much to say! New place, new internship, new minor, new job...if I can find the time. lol.

I am so enjoying making my life all that I can right now. I am in love with my internship! It lets me do what I love most, helping people. I get to be the mentor I never had, someone these girls can aspire to and look up to, someone who is not Lindsey Lohan or Miley Cyrus. I am so excited to see these girls have a complete change of their self-concept. I cannot wait to struggle with them to win the fight against negative body image, low self-esteem, no direction, no inner strength or identity. I cannot wait to see what they teach me and how much they inspire a growth in me. Sure I'm not a morning person and haven't woken up this early in *cough* 4 years *cough*, but it's totally worth it. This may be what I want to do with my life: Teach our youth the importance of communication, and positive self-image, give them strengths, goals, and knowledge of consequences. I'm so excited I stumbled into this.

I'm proud of myself for the first time in a long time. I went through an interview, yikes, and got the job. Applied for my internship, stressful, and disciplined myself to go to all the training, and I keep finding ways to make school fun and exciting so I can finish on time. Self-confidence is so hard to come by and many of us get broken down constantly from the media, others and mostly from ourselves, and my internship has taught me how important it is to simply, like yourself.

Now if I could only get to the gym regularly! goodness!

CHANGE: get used to it

We always seem to think that one day we will fall in love and that's it! The screen will flash black and "happily ever after" will be scribbled across it in pretty cursive and we will live our life forever in that state. But the funny thing about relationships is they are constantly in a dialectical flux. They are constantly changing and cannot be determined or finalized...ever! In fact everything in life is always changing.

Lately you could say I'm experiencing all the dialectical tensions in the book. I have learned all about relationships and could give you tons of theories to capture all of the aspects and complexities, and although I understand them even better now that I'm going through them, they aren't really helping me. Maybe just being able to define the problem quicker will put me ahead, but the answer is still no where to be found.

I am feeling things I have never felt before and cannot explain or control them. It's super frustrating. It has been said multiple times that the artist must give himself over to his emotions and work if he is to ever make something great. Well I don't want to turn my disconsolation into artwork, I don't want to sacrifice my life and happiness to make great works. So why am I still totally controlled by my emotions? Why do they effect everything I am and do? But most importantly why are they there and how do I get rid of these particular ones? Especially if I don't understand them.

Basically I'm starting to see how much a relationship changes constantly, and when I feel I have a grasp on mine, well something new is thrown into the mix. It's making more and more sense why the majority of relationships don't make it. So I don't understand the new things I have to go through, and I can't anticipate what will come tomorrow, but I know love is what will get me through a lifetime of changes within myself and my relationship, and I have plenty of that.

So although we wish we could stay in our head-over-heels-honeymoon phase forever it quickly ends, as do all the phases after that. Life doesn't work that way, and at the risk of beating a dead horse, the only thing that is constant is change. But in the end would we truly want things to stay the same? That would just be boring and take a lot of the fun out of everything. Oh the stability vs. change dialectic, the paradox that will forever leave us tossing and turning.

A Heap in Woolf's Clothing

Please read/follow my second blog if you have time. Thanks! http://discovertheadventure.blogspot.com/2010/09/oh-fall.html

I am really enjoying reading old works of literature and learning about amazing women writers, some with such tortured souls.

Book #16: My Antonia by Willa Cather: Maybe I'll write about this later. lol

Book #17: A Room of One's Own by Virgina Woolf

As I read this new seeds of thought were constantly being planted in my head and they grew into ideas that challenged and excited me. There are many things I would like to write about but one that I can't seem to stop thinking about is anger's place in literature, in writing. Woolf seems to take the stance that anger negatively affects a work. That it makes women, people in general “...write in a rage where she should write calmly. She will write foolishly where she should write wisely. She will write of herself where she should write of her characters” (Woolf, 70). I'm struggling with how I feel about this. There are many reasons to write; to inform, to persuade, for self indulgence, but I feel like nobody writes unless they are a little restless in their own lives. It is when someone is suffering, or confused, or seeking change that they are driven to write. This makes me feel like writing is driven by passion. It makes me feel like it is when someone is angry and puts themselves in their writing that good writing gets down on paper because they are motivated. Then I truly thought of the craft of writing, how if you do want social reform, or to get people thinking, you cannot shove it in their face because the rebellious human nature will make sure they do not digest it. Writing needs to be done in a way that is strategic and clever, that circles around the idea so the reader can stumble across it themselves. This is how anger can ruin writing. It gets in the way of a person's ability to plan, and choose their words carefully. But I am still not sure if taking yourself out of a work of writing is a good idea. I am not convinced it can be done at all, but once again I ask, “Why write if not to express yourself? Why write if not for a healthy outlet to release your anger and to direct your passion?” I write because I am restless, because I am angry and passionate, if I did not poses these things, maybe my writing would be better, but I fear I would have no motivation to write, and nothing interesting to write about.