Smell that? That's Life right infront of You

Life is good, there are so many wonderful opportunities! There is so much life to be had. There are so many books to read, movies to watch, people to meet, places to see, mountains to climb, buildings to jump off of, so many landscapes to be appreciated. I want it all, and I'm so thankful that I can have whatever I'm willing to chase.

I over think life a lot, which is holding me back from enjoying it to the full extent. In a way thinking and questioning is how I enjoy life, but getting angry and frustrated is not. I need to stop that. Nah, I am going to stop that, I am going to stop getting in my own way. I'm going to stop getting mad, I'm going to stop letting things get me down. Maybe to do this I need to know what is getting me down? What are the things that make me sad?

Death/growing old- This is a part of life. It is so sad to watch people grow old, but I just have to know that they will die, and death will be a good thing. I need to know that their best days are not behind them and society has not just pushed them aside. I need to believe that they had a good life, and spent it the way they wanted.

Missing out on things/ Not being able to do it all/ Letting myself down- I need to be quiet and listen to my heart. I need to become aware of what I really want, and focus on accomplishing that. I need to know that I am capable of doing a lot of things if I make them happen. I need to not be afraid to go after them.

People- I need to cut them slack. There are tons of beautiful people, and tons of beautiful things people have done. No one is completely good or bad, and that's what comes with freewill, which is a great thing. I need to have lower expectations for people. I can only control myself, and although my expectations can still be high, I can cut myself some slack too.


I think it is important to constantly remind ourselves who we are, and what we want. As long as you can be honest with yourself, you can be true to yourself. As long as you know who you are, what you believe and why, there is no problem that can't be solved and no goal that can't be reached.

We can do better

Music while you read, lol

"The good and the bad, it's a good life all and all..but I'm still going to try with everything I am to make it better"

I've made mistakes, I've grown
I've failed and succeeded
I've been a brat, and I've been giving and selfless
I've let my emotions take me to dark places, I've let them take me to somewhere beautiful
I've created, I've destroyed
I've done the best I can, and I constantly want to do better.
I want to make people smile everyday, I want to save an animal's life, I want to teach a kid to read, I want to build a family a home, I want to give everything I am to making this world better.

We all make mistakes, we are all learning, but I often get the feeling other people don't care like I do when they mess up. I see people making the world worse, I see people that aren't willing to stand up for what is right, and I don't know what to do. It kills me. I want to make the world better, but I feel like everything is against me, I feel like even good people who don't care make it harder on people like me. Why can't we all leave things better then we found them, why can't we all want good and a better world? Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time and efforts here. I want to go somewhere where my efforts will actually affect someone's life. I found a really cool volunteer program and I'm very excited about it. You can go to another country for as long as you want and just help, it sounds wonderful and such a nice break from well...here. I need to make my life an instrument for good. I don't know what else I can do with myself here on earth. I don't want things, or money, or a big name, I just need to make things better. I wish I didn't feel so.. alone on this.

Playing and Relaxing at the Lake

Sometimes the only thing to do is to take a week away from society, away from electronics, away from everything, and just have a good old camping trip. Spending time with people, relaxing, not worrying about time, and playing games. This is the first year that my family camping trip went perfect. No holding down our stuff praying the swirling clouds above won't make a tornado, no holes in the tube, no getting stuck in the sand. It was great. I had so much fun spending time with the people I love. This year my boyfriend's family came as well which was a blast! I spent my time flying on top of the water, sometimes fearing for my life with 8 foot waves, reading, relaxing, and we played so many games, which I love! I am so thankful for my family and that we can go on these trips every year.


The amazing storms that we got to watch but didn't bother us. Man I can't even explain how magical it was! The whole sky was lighting up over the water constantly! I love storms! I also love not dying so it was perfect to watch them and not feel them when camping. So much power, beauty, and a lesson of perspective. When we turned around the sky was beautiful and the stars were showing clear.


The gorgeous spot that Kevin found and we enjoyed together. The sunsets were so pretty every night. Purples, Pinks, Yellows, Blues- Amazing!


Where I spent much of my time thinking, reading and relaxing. I loved my latest book so much! I'll write about it in another blog.
It was a lovely time. I've always hated Nebraska, but there is always something beautiful in every place in it's own way. Being at the lake is beautiful!

Note: I decided to start a travel blog separate from this one if anyone is interested in reading it. I will start writing on it soon!

Hope everyone is enjoying and making the most of their summer!

You're Silly Life

Summer time, oh how wonderful it is. Mornings with tea and reading, sitting by the pool, being active, taking walks..I love it!

Yesterday, for our anniversary, my boyfriend and I got in the car with plenty of good music and headed for the beautiful Estes Park! It was soo gorgeous and I had never been there! There was so much to do there! Rafting, horseback riding, hiking. We have to go back! We had a fabulous day and tried some rock climbing...all I can say is wow, it is so much harder then I remember it being! I realized just how pathetic my little arm muscles are. Walking around the little town and the lake was so much fun. The shops are adorable and the food was delicious. The Stanley hotel is so cool and I am excited to actually stay there sometime. It was a perfect little getaway!

Books: So I have been terrible about writing about them so here are mini reviews..at least for now.

Book #8: Fool by Christopher Moore- What can you say about Moore- Witty, clever, vulgar...basically hilarious! I so enjoy reading his books. they are such a nice break sometimes from really emotionally draining books. I do have to re-read sometimes to make sure I pick up on all of his jokes, but I probably still miss some. He' so clever. Even though he is silly, I still got a lot of good things from his book. I'll probably do more quotes later.
"Is loyalty a virtue when paid to virtue's stranger?"

"I'm a lapsed Christian and a pagan of convenience." So funny and could really be analyzed.

"Without hell, there was no fear, and without fear, there was no further need for the church to supply redemption, and more important, no means for the church to modify behavior."


Book #9: The 19th Wife by David Ebershoff- I loved this book. I have not read too much historical fiction but I loved it. It gave me a new understanding for Mormonism and just religion in general. Everyone has their beliefs, some don't have much of a choice in the matter because they don't know anything else. But everyone is trying to be a good person, trying to be true to their beliefs, and ultimately get to heaven. I also learned that there is a spectrum in every single thing and sometimes we forget that. We must not let a few represent a whole group. There are good and bad people in every religion, in every culture, in every government, in every idea! This book covered the Mormon religion from many different perspectives, and from people at different positions in their life, and throughout time. Last who is anyone to say that their religion is any less crazy than anyone else's? When we say one religion is correct, by default it makes others wrong, when in truth there exists much more similarities in religion than differences. This book took me deeper into the idea of faith then I have really been, questioning and analyzing it. And also I obviously had fun with the gender aspect of the book and the lust vs. love idea. It was wonderful. There are so many good quotes I can't even begin to list them, but I will say this one.
"How you spend your days, is how you spend life." We should always remind ourselves all there is to experience in this life, and what we are capable of, we must not waste life.

Book # 10: Pale Horse Pale Rider by Katherine Anne Porter- A lovely book of 3 short stories. It is for anyone who doesn't know what life is or what to do with it. It asks many questions, and it talks about the act of asking these questions. It is just about life. There is so much more to be said, but I just don't know how. There are lots of cute little things, here's a few.
"Nothing is mine, I have only nothing but it is enough, it is beautiful and it is all mine."

"Beauty goes. character stays."

"...going over old stories and finding new points of interest in them...She knew too many like them, she wanted something new of her own."


Book # 11: The Elegance of the Hedgehog- I absolutely adore this book! Everyone has a book that mirrors what they would of liked to write, and this book is mine. Thank goodness she wrote it because it is done so well. I am about 1/4 of the way into it. I don't know how I'm ever going to write about this one because I love everything! Another book for a restless, philosophical, wondering mind.

In other news I am so excited to go camping, my eyes are doing great, and I'm deciding for good if I want to study abroad.

This Can't just be Chaos!

Life, This earth, Our individual minds, Personality, Passion, Our bodies, Breathing, Love, Creativity, The Universe...What I just exhibited was a list of things that are absolutely, without a doubt, amazing!!

The fact that we exist in such a perfect environment made of all the right factors in a bubble of oxygen in the middle of a never ending universe is absolutely incredible! It can't just be coincidence. We, people, are amazing. The fact that we breath, think, create, and just live is spectacular.

People always tell me to just worry about myself, which is true. We need to focus on growing, improving, and proving ourselves to ourselves at our own pace. But I always feel like I can't just sit by and watch other people drown. If I was on a plank and people were all around me reaching up for help, I would save every single one of them without a thought. Then I realized I'm not on a plank, and these people are not asking for my help. When they do, I do help, more than I have ever realized before. Today I got the biggest complement. Someone told me I really encouraged them to be stronger, and to be confident in who they were just by watching me. They told me I pulled them out of a depression just because I took the time to realize they were sad and talk to them. It made me feel so good. I could not believe I came across that way, because I'm just as lost and confused as most, but I really helped them and I didn't even know it. It felt good to know that I don't have to put myself through hell for people, and frustrate myself trying to reach them. I really can wait for them to come to me, and I can affect other people's lives just by being me and being an example, which is what a lot of people were meaning all along.
Anyway I'm starting to realize that just worrying about bettering myself does not mean I do not help others. It simply means that who you are and where you are in life is just between you and god. And when you worry about yourself you are more equipped when people do ask for your help, and makes it so you can help them just by living your life.

While we are bettering ourselves, and reaching this age of awareness of how amazing it is that we are even alive, we need to know how amazing we are. We have full control in who we are; we are the captain of our minds and ourselves. We are the ones that tear ourselves down. We scream at ourselves for our failures, and remind us constantly that we are flawed and not good enough. We need to realize our control and build ourselves up at our own pace. We need to be patient with ourselves. We need to realize what we don't like about ourselves and know we have the power to change it. We are all amazing people because we are here! We have our own unique interests and personalities, thoughts, and beliefs. We all look a certain way, but that doesn't really matter. We are all beautiful because we work. We are machines that work perfectly. We all breathe, and have a heart beating in our bodies right now.

So I'm done tearing myself down. I will continue to better myself, but I will be still and know. Know that I am amazing, know that I am good enough, know that I help people, know that I can reach my goals. I hope all of you will realize how amazing you are.

fun FuN FUN!

What a fabulous couple of days I have just had! Yesterday was spent with the boy and it was so much fun! I started off the day making strawberry crepes, which were ahhmazing! Then we went shopping and re-organized the apartment, followed by some good old basketball, which I won, an important fact. lol Then we had a gorgeous drive up to Golden to have some pizza. While enjoying the beautiful view from the M, we saw three deers right next to us, so cool! We finished the night off with some new Jack Johnson and painting each other. Just a wonderful day!

Water World is soo much fun! That's where we spent the whole day and I am beat! It was a beautiful day and we had no lines! It was perfect. We saw the fatest squirrel ever! He made me laugh. He ate so much food and was not afraid of us at all.
Tomorrow is my anniversary with my boyfriend. Together 4 years. I feel extremely lucky and am so excited to celebrate.

Happily Awaiting Happiness

Two blogs in one day? I must be crazy. If you only have time to read one, don't pick this one. lol

I am really enjoying my most recent book! I'm flying through it. I absolutely love reading about the great discontentment, sadness, and confusion that many women have carried throughout time and what they have done with it. I feel I am one of these women that empathizes an unhealthy amount, over thinks everything, and is perfectly content in all the restlessness, searching and questioning. It inspired me to write this.

She contained a deep sadness, one held by her mother, and her mother's mother, and closely resembled the sadness a great deal of women have held throughout time. She liked this sadness, or at least was content in it. For it was a contemplative, reflective sadness. It moved her to appreciate, and strive for change. Sadness and happiness, whatever these flawed objective terms mean, cannot be separated, they are two sides of the same coin, two halfs of a whole binary opposition. She got overwhelmed with the ugly things in life, but she was the first one to point out the beauty in any situation. She felt, simply felt, the bad and the good, the sadness and the happiness completely, whole-heatedly, and without regret. She would not have herself any other way, could not imagine it rather. Sure it tortured her to her very core, and she was envious of the other world, the more superficial, free from thought world. The world where no thoughts existed on consequences, and bigger meaning... but she knew she could never be that, not now. It made her happy...to be sad. She liked over-thinking, she liked being different, she liked striving for change and searching for truth even when others discouraged it and told her just to worry about herself. It was a lonely life, especially on the inside, but she would rather be real and alone then fake and have a world of friends. She would rather be confused then not question, and she would rather feel sad, then be blind to hardship and suffering. Only when you have felt sad, truly deeply sad, can you understand what it means to be happy, and understand why we should all contribute and strive for change.


Writing this blog reminded me of a silly little poem I wrote in the ninth grade. So I will include it, silly, kinda dumb, and unchanged from the original.

Happily awaiting Happiness
She sits there perfectly content
Had some advice didn’t know what it meant
Looking at the beauty nothing is wrong
She hums a happy little song
What is she waiting for?
She’s smiling such a pretty smile
Doesn’t look at a watch but she’s been there awhile

She waits patiently with her smile
Whatever she’s waiting for must be worthwhile
What is she waiting for
She looks to the sun?
She’ll be burned in the long run
But she doesn’t care
She is so much more then rare
What is she waiting for?

There are so many places she could be
But she has no intention to flea
whatever she is waiting for?
She’s waiting for more
What are you missing
What aren’t you missing
What are you waiting for?

I watch her so confused
Don’t know if she needs rescued
You seem so pleased
Why are you so at ease
What are you waiting for?
You look so happy
You look so glad
Your forever waiting is to bad
What are waiting for?
You seem so happy
----------yet----------
You’re waiting for your happiness
I never would’ve guess
You’re happily awaiting happiness
What a mess
To happily await happiness
You’re simply complicated

Clouds and Growing Old

Today I was staring up at the sky being alive and all, when I started studying the clouds. I saw many things; a dragon, a face, a heart, letters that I decided were my name, just to name a few. I tried to see things, and interpret what they meant. Were they signs? Were they answers? I tried to make these big masses of water into things that made sense to me, to my insignificant thoughts, my small world, and my one perspective. That was wrong of me I realized. If I really want to learn, to be spoken to by something greater, I need to see things as they are not as I want them to be. While I am creating my own meaning and messages I'm missing something else. Then again maybe there's no meaning in anything. Maybe I should stop looking entirely. One things for sure, if you want to see signs, you can see them anywhere and make anything of them, that's why they don't seem to be of any help.

I find myself learning life lessons from simple everyday things in life, like clouds, and right after that happened, it came into play. From one hospital to another, witnessing the cruel hand of age, I saw two family members today lost, and getting taken over by disease. It happens, it's life, but it doesn't mean it's easy for anyone. I visited my Grandpa, such an amazing man with such a good spirit and a pleasure to talk to even in such a horrible just plain unfair state. While visiting him we learned we must make a decision about putting him permanently in this certain nursing home tomorrow. Here's the kicker "the sign" if you will. The name of his would-be roommate is the same as the new "friend" my grandma has in her life to get her through this. Is that weird or what? What does that mean? What is that telling us? Or in this chaotic insane world we live in, is it merely coincidence? Well probably coincidence, but I still believe God is hilarious and does get messages across in a way we will understand, but we can't assume we know what he is saying. If we don't get it, I'm sure he will be more clear the next time. Anyway, I'm so thankful there are people taking care of our elderly, because I don't think I could do it, it takes a strong wonderful person.

Once again, talking to people who have been here a lot longer than me, I realized:
* We are all just people.
* We are all just doing the best we can.
* We all make mistakes.
* Different things work different for different people.
* There are no answers found on this earth to our metaphysical questions...ever.
* We are all growing and learning till the very end*

Did you See that Sunset?

First I wanted to say I had a blast put put golfing! Adventure golf is Shweet!

Next on a quick note I had to publicly say goodbye to Lost, my favorite show. It took me on such an amazing journey and ended just beautifully.



Last May my dog (which naturally I believe was the greatest dog in the world, lol) died of heart cancer. In her memory we planted a Bleeding Heart plant, which only seemed fitting. Exactly a year later it is blooming magnificently and the flowers, which look like little hearts, are so neat. I would recommend planting one, ours is thriving.


I had the perfect day yesterday! It was a beautiful day and I did lots of fun things, including Casa Bonita! That place is soo cool and I think the food has improved since my childhood. I'm loving having a pool! Sitting by it and reading is just perfect. Oh and I have become a little obsessed with wii fit... I hereby announce June the 5th (yesterday) forever more, as the day I conquered much of wii fit's games (on beginner). The sunset was awesome, the lightning was absolute gorgeous at night, just a wonderful day. The world is beautiful if you let it be.

I've been painting a lot lately. I enjoy it so much. It's not about the final product, or who you show, it's about the process. Next to a bubble bath, Jack Johnson, and a cup of tea, nothing is more relaxing then a brush stroke on a canvas.

The house is officially out of my life in less than two weeks. It's been hard, but change is good, and since it has been slow I'm a little more ready for it. I know I am because I say "the house", instead of my home. I've been spending time putting all of our stuff into boxes. It's really nice getting rid of things, of crap, and trying to get down to the necessities. I've never done it before since we never moved when I was growing up, but it should be done often. We all get too attached to things. I love the backpack metaphor: Imagine everything you own being put in a backpack, then always carrying that around. Getting rid of stuff is a weight off our shoulders.